"We don't have to be perfect... We are asked only to be real, trusting in His perfection to cover our imperfections, knowing that one day we will finally be all that Christ saved us for and wants us to be." -Gigi Graham Tchvidijan
I have to admit, I don't feel very perfect lately. There are so many things I wish I could do differently, or seasons in my life I wish I could re-live with the clarity of hindsight. There are answers I wish I had to questions that I have, and there are so often those times that I wish I could sit God down with a cup of coffee and have Him just tell me straight how it is and what He wants from me.
It says in Isaiah that no matter which way we go, we will hear a voice saying, "This is the way, walk in it" But it is so often so hard to hear that voice... and hard to distinguish it from the other voices in our lives. Daily I have to rest in the fact, that my God is gracious, that He knows my humanity, and that He compensates for it. I have a mediator between myself and the Almighty God and it is Someone who loved me enough to lay down everything for me. Surely a Man who loves me with that kind of intensity also loves me enough to forgive my imperfection.
I know it's true. But it doesn't make it any easier to look in the mirror and see my mistakes. Maybe it should, but it doesn't.
Since I've become a mother, I don't have the kind of time that I used to have sitting at His feet and pouring over His word. I don't have the hours to do a full exegesis on a passage before I study it, and I don't have the luxury of an undisturbed prayer closet. But I always remember something that my friend's husband said to her one day as he was leaving for work. She has 3 (now 4 as of last week!) small children, and her husband works as the director of a large ministry. He told her that he envies her, because she doesn't have to intentionally put things in her path to mold her more to the likeness of Christ, rather she has situations that are part of her everyday life that are constantly making her more Christlike through selflessness and leadership. When she told me that story, I realized that it's true.
Even though I don't have the time I used to to spend in the Word, I do have a little person that relies on me for everything. I have opportunity each second of each day to show Christ to her in my selflessness. God is molding me, even though I don't feel it, and even though I envy those people who have hours in the presence of God. It is still a process in learning to hear the voice of God in different ways. To learn to incorporate reading His word into my day... whether by reading Peyton a passage of Scripture instead of a storybook at nighttime. Or by saying her goodnight prayers with her with sincerity of heart. Or by taking the time that I spend bathing her to memorize a verse or two.
I called this post "Mommy Christianity" because it's an adjustment. It's a change from the way I've walked in Christianity in times past. Finding God's will is a different process, because my life is a different process. But it's a process just the same, and let me be the first to tell you....................................... I'm still learning.
I'm not here to give you a miniature biography. Or to offer a collection of snippets that end up sounding like an advertisement for my life. I'm just a girl looking for a space to write what's on her heart. If you're not feeling it, don't stay. If you like it, thanks. Hope you find something that speaks to you.