The changing of seasons always leads me to start thinking about the season of life I'm in right now. With the first snow flakes falling yesterday, I glanced out the window and began thinking about the changing of seasons in my own life. Of course, the obvious season I'm in right now, is a season of motherhood... and it's a season that will probably last for a few (or many!) years to come. But there's another season that I'm in as well.
It's been less than 2 months since we left the mission field, and I find that my heart is still not sure where to rest in regards to everything that happened. Bryan and I were talking yesterday, and we both realized that we still feel confused about how and why everything happened the way it did. There are still those moments when we feel condemned, lost, confused and unsure. Typically those moments are spurred by someone seeing us in church and saying something like, "Oh wow, I thought you were living in South Africa, what are you doing back?" And then of course, the awkward launching of the explanation... the uncertainty of whether or not they'll understand... and the secret feelings of judgment that you know you shouldn't presume.
This morning I told my mom a little of how I was feeling. She reminded me that God hasn't stopped using me simply because I'm no longer in Africa. She reminded me that there are daily opportunities to shine God's light. There are moments in each day that present themselves with the open door to share a truth that we've been given. There is a mission field in my own home....There is a little girl who climbs up on my lap about four dozen times a day, asking me to read her the same story yet again. There is a man who comes home tired and hungry from work each day, needing a good meal in his belly and clean sheets to lay down in. There is a child in my womb who relies on me for nourishment, breath and a secure place to grow and develop.
I do have purpose. Just sometimes I lose it in the midst of wishing for something more... something "greater". I continually assume that there must be something bigger I should be chasing after... when in reality what I've been given is what I am to be faithful with. And the caring and nurturing of human lives is certainly no small task. My life will change again. And again, and again. That's just the way it goes with the changing of the seasons. But I have a God who is constant, and who will lead me faithfully through each one.