The End that Started it.

Whenever I'm on the edge of something new in my life, I become reflective. I shouldn't make it sound like it's just me though, I'm sure everyone goes through it.

I'm going to be mentoring, this fall at BCOM. I'm so scared. I'm so afraid of being unprepared, of not having enough life experience, and of not knowing what in the world I'm doing. I've always been the one who's stepped out and done things before my time. Born 3 ½ weeks early, skipped kindergarten, graduated high school a year early, went to college at 17, got married at 18... the list goes on. Maybe that's the reason that every time I embark on something new, I feel ridiculously unprepared. I feel scared, inadequate and vulnerable. It's funny. I've been married half a year now, and I still feel like a little girl. Sometimes I wish I could be again. Wish I could just run out into the orchard and climb into an apple trees strong branches, allowing them to cradle me as I lay there and bore my soul. The more I remember my childhood, the more I am thankful for my beautiful girlhood. My growing up days were filled with happiness. Even in my pain, I found hope because I was raised on a solid foundation of love.

Thinking about mentoring has me scared to death. I feel a bit like a deer caught in the headlights, who's not sure which way to run. Half of me is SO excited for this opportunity and the other half wishes it would go away. There is such a comforting illusion of safety in what we know... it's hard to think that we could be happy in unfamiliar ground. It's weird that I'm calling BCOM unfamiliar... I mean, I spent a year of my life there not too long ago... but I feel so disconnected from that now. I feel like I'm living in another universe even though I'm just a few miles away.

In a way, it feels like my entire life is compartmentalized into sections. Pieces where I spent my life. But in each compartment, is all of me. Does that make sense? Probably not. I guess what I'm saying is, I don't feel like part of me is back in NY or in Vermont, but rather, I feel like all of me is in all of those places. Instead of feeling like part of my life was spent in one place where I lived, I feel like I've lived whole lifetimes in different places. I have so much invested in so many people and so many places. Maybe that's why it's hard for me to let things go. I'm trying to figure out if that's a good thing, or a bad thing.

Part of me is afraid that when I mentor, I'll do it again. I'll care too much, invest too much, give too much, and the result will be exhaustion and weakness. It's happened too many times before for me to ignore the possibility of it happening again. I care too much, when I'm only asked to care a little. How do I remain uninvolved, while also pouring my whole heart into this?

I don't know how to love unless I love with everything, but I don't know how to give everything and still have something left.

I don't know really know what I'm trying to say or where I'm going with this. I'm just a girl who has a lot of thoughts and has somehow forgotten how to express them. I guess that's why I started this blog today... because I need an outlet. I don't even know if anyone will read this, but that's okay. Right now, it's more just about the writing.

1 comment:

Leigh said...

I'm glad you wrote me some insight into your heart. I know that now you've begun mentoring and are loving it. Remember, God never calls you to do something He won't equip you to do...So don't let anyone (even us, your own family) look down on your youth.

I love you so much.