I can't title this blog post just yet. Mainly because I'm not sure what direction it's headed. All I know is that I'm feeling rather pensive and the best way for me to wade through my thoughts is to attempt to unscramble them through written word. Perhaps that only leaves me more confused then when I set out, but at least I feel halfway accomplished with my jumbled brain.

I'm back in Vermont. Living life in a bit of a muddle. It's strange to be here. Especially without Bryan, living in my parents house. I feel like a little girl again. A high schooler. But then I have this baby with me... it's a crazy adjustment for the brain, you know what I'm saying? Like I feel I've been portaled back in time, but I've brought a souvenir from the future with me... this beautiful baby girl who's my own flesh. I can't come back and jump back into friendships with the ones who used to be my tight circle. Too much has changed. I'm not the same girl who they called their best friend. And it would be foolish for me to assume I've left them static. Of course their lives have continued on without me as mine has without them.

I had Rhiana over last night, however, and was pleased with how easily we picked up where we had left off. However, something still wasn't the same. It can't be, of course. We were talking as though we were outside of our friendship. As though we were commentators of a novel, leafing through the chapters of time and remembering them fondly, but almost feeling as though they had no personal ramifications. Like we'd never lived those words. Does that make sense?

Being back here is like revisiting some strange dream you weren't even fully sure you had. You know those dreams where you wake up and you remember scattered images and even a couple sound bytes but you can't remember a chronological rhythm? Mmm. That's how it is.

Going back. It's unnatural. We were built for forward motion.

I miss Bryan. He'll join me here on the 11th or 12th. Being separate from him is another unnatural thing. When I pledged my life to him and we became one, from then on it became ludicrous to separate myself from him. I'm only a half without him here.

I lay awake at night and attempt to remember the feel of his body beside mine. And we've only been apart for 4 days. What must it be like to lose the one you love forever? I pray I never know the feeling. I beg to never know it.

I guess I've never known real opposition. I've never lost. Not really. In small scales, I have. But never really. Am I strong enough to face that type of obstacle? Those are the struggles that determine what you're made of. I don't think I want to know.

The baby is crying. I'll leave this unfinished. Perhaps its better that way. I'm not making much sense anyhow...

My head is too full to make sense. But I'm not even sure why...

No comments: