Being A Patient is a Virtue.

So here I lay on the couch, still attempting to recover from this surgery. I've been able to reduce my pain medication and am now just on Tylenol and Ibuprofen. I wanted to scale back on the drugs as quickly as possible because I'm still nursing Peyton.

My stomach hurts constantly, even on the painkillers. It's been so frustrating to only be able to lay in ONE position (on my back) and to have to rely on others for even the most basic activities. I can't stand up or lay back down by myself because my core is basically immovable. Bryan has to help me go to the bathroom, take a bath, and even lift me off the couch and back onto it. It's amazing what such vulnerable dependency does to you. I'm so blessed to have such an incredible husband who serves me so wonderfully. But it's frustrating to be unable to do basic things myself.

The hardest thing is to watch others care for my baby. All I want is to be able to feed her her pears for breakfast or to play with her on the floor. She misses me to... She keeps looking at me and reaching out for me and crying. Oh if only she know how much I'm aching to reach out to her!

I am so thankful that this recovery is predicted to be quick. I am able to take small walks around the house every few hours. They take alot out of me, but it's good for me to get my blood flowing. My neck hurts so badly from just laying here.

I haven't been blogging much, because truthfully there's not much to say. My days haven't exactly been action packed here on the couch!

But I have been doing a lot of thinking. And one thought that has crossed my mind is the irony of the word "patient". I am considered, a patient. "Someone is under medical care or treatment". But ironically, being a patient requires a ridiculous amount of the virtue: patience. Okay, I know I'm getting cheesy, but stay with me. It is tiring to just lay here and WAIT. Wait to recover. Wait to feel better. Wait for the next dose of painkillers to kick in. It's a challenging place to be, and honestly all I want to do is jump right up and do something for myself! But I have to be patient. I have to allow my body time to heal, and I have to wait before things can return to normal. It's such a challenge, but I am learning alot in this time. Alot about allowing myself to vulnerable. About allowing myself to be cared for... and also about allowing myself to be loved.

My husband has been amazing. He has truly shown me that he meant every word of our vows when he pledged to me that he would be there for me in sickness and in health. I'm sure it's not the sexiest thing in the world for him to have to lower me on to the toilet and wait for me to do my thing and then lift me off again. I'm sure it's downright UNsexy. But he does it anyway... and he even kisses me as he walks me there! I am so thankful for him and his love. He has been so great with Peyton through all of this, and has just stepped up to the plate and taken over. (However, I did get some satisfaction when he crashed into bed and tiredly admitted that my job as a mom is HARD WORK! I think he's really excited for me to get better because Peyton is wearing him out!!!)

Well, those are some of the thoughts swirling in my brain as I lay here, immobile. I hope you're all doing well tonight. Enjoy the little things today... Like walking around, or playing with your kids, or pouring yourself a cup of coffee... or even going to the bathroom by yourself! Just remember that there may be someone else who would LOVE to be able to do those simple things for themselves, but can't.