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24.3.11

I {HATE} Confrontation

I HATE confrontation. LOATHE it. DESPISE it. SCORN it. ABHOR it. Go ahead. Type the word "hate" into www.thesaurus.com and go crazy. I feel all those words about confrontation.




Now, let me clarify. Confrontation in my dictionary is any sort of conversation in which there is the slightest chance that the conversation could get uncomfortable. For example, I don't like to return things to the store. If I return something to the store, inevitably, the person might think that I bought it, wore it, and now am returning it as if this was the library. And they'll ask me that inevitable question: "Was there something wrong with it?" prompting me to have to find a polite, legitimate, qualifying explanation that won't insult their product.

Here's another example. And this one really happened today. I had an appointment for Britany. I got a reminder call yesterday telling me what time the appointment was. I'd been to this same office many times before with Peyton and I wasn't worried about making it on time because I knew exactly where it was. I pulled up, paid my 3 dollars in quarters for the parking meter and walked the block and a half into the office carrying my 11 pound child in her 10 pound car seat. When I got to the office, the receptionist cast me a sour glance and asked me what I wanted. I'm here for my appointment (obviously) She huffed and proceeded to explain that that was impossible seeing as there were no appointments scheduled for the day. When I told her there must be some mistake... I got a reminder call and everything.. she fumbled for her phone and passed me off to somebody else. (Thank God. Anyone would be in a better mood!) Another, much nicer woman came up to me and explained that my appointment was to be at their other office. Other office? I didn't even know there was another office. "Oh, well this office is closer to you so we thought you would like to go there instead." (Hmm. Oh you're good. Nice move "nice" lady. Make it look like you were doing me a favor....) Long story short, I was now too late to go over to said "closer office" and would have to be rescheduled. Catch was, they couldn't see me again until July. Classy, right? So yet another woman is called in to remedy "my mistake". She graciously pencils us in for the second week of April, then chidingly advises me to write myself a note so I won't make the same mistake twice.

Can I just defend myself here? I had no idea there was another office, let alone that my appointment was supposed to be at this other office! I don't even know where this other office IS! To top it all off, I've been taking Peyton to the office I was at for a year and a half and have never before been told that I was in the wrong office!!!

Anyway. Back to how much I hate confrontation.

Of course, I left fuming. I walked the block and a half back to my car, fumbled for my keys as I balanced the 21 pound child/car seat combo and cast a sideways glance at the meter that just wasted enough money for a tall Java Chip Frappacino. To top it all off, my knock off Louis Vuitton sunglasses got caught in my hair so I lost my dignity right along with my temper.


As soon as I got in the car I dialed Bryan and let out my frustration in a fury of tears and gibberish. Bryan (ever calm, cool, collected, rational Bryan) says, "Well, why don't you call and complain. They shouldn't be able to make you pay for their mistake of not telling you they had changed offices on you." My insides curdled (if that's possible) He wanted me to confront them. Noooo way. I gave him a lame excuse, "They already don't treat me that great there. I don't want to give them ANOTHER reason to be mean to me." (can I just pause here to pat myself on the back for another successful duck and cover?) He bought it and lovingly said, "I'll see you when you get home." A couple of hours later, my mom called. When I told her the story, she suggested the same thing. Call and complain. I offered her my slew of excuses as well. She didn't buy them quite as quickly, but eventually bit the bait. Our conversation turned to Peyton's latest happenings and the topic of confronting was put behind us. I breathed a sigh of relief and rationalized in my head why the things that had happened that day were perhaps, my fault? a system malfunction? a staff member's tragic death??... anything to release me from the justification of complaint--of confrontation.

Look, I realize that was a long story, but the truth of the matter is... I hate confrontation. And perhaps more than hate it, I fear it. I honestly don't know why. I suppose there is some root issue holding me back from learning to confront properly and healthily, but I couldn't put my finger on it if you asked me to.

I guess I wouldn't be so taken with this realization if it weren't for the fact that I'm not only fearful to confront store clerks, receptionists, and their managers, but I'm also fearful to confront friends, siblings, parents and even my spouse. Fighting with those closest to me is honestly often characterized by silence. I guess you could say, I brood. When I feel hurt, unappreciated, frustrated, etc. I hole up. I bury my emotions. I typically isolate myself for any length of time (typically no more than a few minutes) and then ignore the feelings I have and pretend as though nothing is wrong. It's easier to stuff my emotion. Easier than confronting.

Confrontation is messy. It's difficult. It's scary. But the scariest part is knowing that it is also good. And productive. Some of the best milestones in my relationships are the times when we stood up and confronted things--removing road blocks from our relationship and moving forward, more educated about how to love and communicate with one another. I know in my head that when confrontation is done correctly it can produce the purest, most loving relationships in existence. But something inside of me is still scared to death to implement it.

Again, I wish I could put my finger on what it is that scares me exactly. Why does it scare me so much that I am fearful to even attempt it with even a perfect stranger?

Just so you know, this isn't one of those posts that I'm going to close out with an "AHA!" moment that will leave you sitting and pondering my words long after you've read this post. Because this is a work in progress. I--me and confrontation, that is--am a work in progress. I am learning daily how to communicate with those I love in way that will help us move forward and navigate obstacles. I am starting with baby steps.

Bryan and I are reading the book "Love Talk" by Drs. Les & Leslie Parrot. The book has some good advice for communcating as well as incredible individual work books that encourage us to dive deeper into what makes us communicate the way we do and how our individual personalities play a role in our daily communication. I am learning a lot about myself and a lot about my husband.

I still have a long way to go. But "a journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step." (-Lao Tzo) And perhaps conquering this fear of confrontation will be a step in the right direction of conquering my fears of almost everything else. (that will have to be another post entirely!

**images taken from Motivational Posters Online and MotiFake

6 comments:

Samantha said...

Oh Claire,

I love you!

You whole blog reminded me of some inner healing that I got in October. I left my ministry time with a New Godly Belief in hand....

I choose to accept, believe and receive that some conflict is healthy and my opinion is valid. i trust God to show me how to express my views knowing He gives me a voice...

So, I say to you dear sister! You are an overcomer! And you are a good communicator, and will be one who confronts many issues knowing that it will bring freedom and joy and rightness to your life.

You are amazing!

love,
Samantha

Beka said...

My best friend is the exact same way. She cannot call or complain to anyone about anything!

I'm so sorry you had a horrible day! I would have been in TEARS as well!!!! :(

Callie Nicole said...

I agree with you - some conflict can be good, because it can help to grow relationships when you communicate! I'm alright at dealing with uncomfortable situations with store clerks and such - it only makes me nervous if I think they're going to yell at me or something - but you're the customer, so they typically don't. I guess I get fairly annoyed back, so I'm not scared so much as angry - I'm not sure if that's a good thing! A very similar thing happened to me for my follow-up appointment after delivery, and it just made me annoyed that they were trying to act like it was my fault when I KNEW it was theirs.

Melanie said...

Ha ha! I'm only laughing because I can't not confront people! That's all I blog about it seems like. Maybe we should go to your next appointment together and you can teach me to keep my big mouth shut more often and I can help you get your money back! :)

I love your blog. I love being real and reading real words from someone else!

Stephanie M. Page said...

Oh your honesty is refreshing! You are like my husband, he hates confrontation too. I on the other hand can't handle unresolved conflict. It is good to have different kinds of people in the world! I need to learn to think over emotions before I blurt them and my hubby needs to learn that not everything should be holed up! We need each other, ya? =) I hate feeling belittled at the Dr.'s and honestly i don't know what I would have done if treated as rudely as they did you. I probly would have been speechless!!!!! =)

Lindsey V said...

I am sort of "in the middle". I have never LIKED confrontation at all! However, the older I get, I have realized that LOVE speaks the truth....in love, of course. What I mean is that the Lord has shown me that, especially in relationships, confrontation for the good of the relationship and/or the other person is often good AND sometimes necessary IF I really love the other person. NOT saying anything is really just protecting myself and how I want others to view me.

I am known now as a pretty, straight-forward person, but many people probably never know what it costs me to do what I am convicted in my heart is best for them and/or our relationship. Sometimes it sucks...HOWEVER, in most circumstances...sometimes in the VERY LONG run...the benefits and thankfulness from those people is just amazing. God is faithful!

Believing for you in this journey as you find a way to be FIRM yet KIND, DIRECT yet LOVING. I am a firm believer that there IS a way to be both!