He Sustains Me

“I lay down and slept. 
I awoke, for the Lord sustains me.” 
-Psalm 3:5

I have loved this verse since I was a little girl. The words of the verse brought me so much comfort and peace in the night when I would get fearful. This verse speaks volumes to me about the grace of God: the protection and safety of His hand. But the verse says more than just peace and comfort—it speaks to the POWER of God. We only wake up because of the sustaining power of God. If God didn’t want me to wake up tomorrow morning, I wouldn’t. He is that powerful. When I trust and believe in this same God who possesses the power of life and death, what do I have to fear? My entire life is in His hands. I can’t change that fact. I might as well rest in it.

This past month has been a difficult one for our family. I am 27 weeks pregnant with our daughter, Mia Brielle. At the end of February we found out that Mia has a marker for several chromosomal disorders. We were tested for a variety of abnormalities including Down Syndrome, Trisomy 13 & 18, Cystic Fibrosis and various viral exposures. When the doctor looked at me and listed the possibilities for our daughter, something inside me screamed. Could this be reality? Could we be starting a journey into a life changing diagnosis? Could my child have a life altering disease? I excused myself to the bathroom, and breathed deeply, fighting tears. A million images crossed my mind. Children I’d met with Down Syndrome. Stories I’d heard of precious babies being lost only hours or days after birth to Trisomy 13 or 18. I wracked my brain to think of what Cystic Fibrosis even was. I clutched my womb and I wept. I wept for the possibilities for my daughter. Over the next few weeks, I had so much blood drawn that my right arm was visibly covered in needle marks. We endured test after test, a re-test, and weeks of waiting by the phone. Mia tested negative for viral exposure, for Down Syndrome and for both Trisomy disorders. We thanked the Lord as we passed each mark. Then we got a phone call informing us that I am a carrier for Cystic Fibrosis. It felt like a jump in the wrong direction. I wept and I worried over this news. I researched Cystic Fibrosis. I felt powerless at the words I was reading on the screen. 

Then one day I decided to stop. To stop worrying. To stop researching. To stop questioning. I decided to feel peace. I remember sitting alone in my living room one evening. The house was dark and there was just me and Mia. She was rolling around in my belly, kicking and thumping against my body. I was listening to worship music and the most amazing song came on: 

Christ the Rock
by Kim Walker-Smith

On Christ the solid rock I stand.
No double minded shifting sands.

On Christ the rock I plant my feet
A firm foundation for me.

On Christ the rock I place my heart
And trust in who You say You are

No circumstance that blows my way
Will ever move this solid place

On Christ the solid rock I stand
Leaving behind the fear of man

With Christ the truth I will agree
Forsaking lies that come for me

On Christ the rock I lay my dreams
Come with your fire consuming me

With Christ the rock I make my plans
Partner with your purposes

You are Holy.

And it hit me then. There in the darkness, the final bars of that song still streaming over my speakers. In that moment I realized with such blessed release that Christ would take care of my Mia. No matter what her portion in this life—no matter what her story will be—God is her rock. He sustains her. 

I remembered that verse from my childhood. The one that I used to whisper into the dark night in my room from where I rested my head on my blue daisy pillow case. “I lay down to sleep… I wake up again because the Lord sustains me.” 

The same God who sustains me, is sustaining my little girl.

One of my best friends said to me, when she found out about the tests we were undergoing for Mia… she said, “Claire, Mia didn’t come into existence because you and Bryan made love. Mia came into existence because God wanted her to be. He just happened to use you and Bryan to make her.” 

Mia’s name means, “MINE”. But that’s just it, isn’t it? She’s NOT mine. She’s HIS. Beautifully and perfectly created and crafted by His own hand. With His own love. She is HIS. And He holds her in His hands. HE SUSTAINS HER.

Today we had another appointment with a specialist for Mia. We are waiting on more test results that will tell us whether or not my husband is a carrier for Cystic Fibrosis also. The marker that was there before is still there, though not as drastic. She is growing, she is healthy. There are still unknowns about her health… unknowns that may not become known even until months after her birth. We can only trust. We can only believe that when we close our eyes to sleep, we will once again wake up. We can only rest our souls, our minds, and our bodies in the hands of Him who has the power to sustain us.

I can’t sustain my daughter. Though she lives inside of me, I don’t control her formation. All I can do is trust the one that is forming her. 


j wagner said...

Well said Claire, we can only trust in him that he will give us strength as we face obstacles in your life journey. It is written that he will never give you more than you can handle. Praying for your family!

Revelation19 said...

Claire you know I always pray for you, my daughter. There are many things in life we are presented with that we can worry about. Just remember two words: But God...

Arise, my daughter, your faith has made you well.

Breanna Hudy said...

Beautiful, Claire ...

Emily grapes said...

I can only imagine the turmoil you've been and continue to go through. The peace you show is amazing to me, and knowing God has it and her in His hands can't be an easy thing to surrender, but I admire you for how you're drawing closer to Him through this. Praying for you and Mia!