He Sustains Me

“I lay down and slept. 
I awoke, for the Lord sustains me.” 
-Psalm 3:5

I have loved this verse since I was a little girl. The words of the verse brought me so much comfort and peace in the night when I would get fearful. This verse speaks volumes to me about the grace of God: the protection and safety of His hand. But the verse says more than just peace and comfort—it speaks to the POWER of God. We only wake up because of the sustaining power of God. If God didn’t want me to wake up tomorrow morning, I wouldn’t. He is that powerful. When I trust and believe in this same God who possesses the power of life and death, what do I have to fear? My entire life is in His hands. I can’t change that fact. I might as well rest in it.

This past month has been a difficult one for our family. I am 27 weeks pregnant with our daughter, Mia Brielle. At the end of February we found out that Mia has a marker for several chromosomal disorders. We were tested for a variety of abnormalities including Down Syndrome, Trisomy 13 & 18, Cystic Fibrosis and various viral exposures. When the doctor looked at me and listed the possibilities for our daughter, something inside me screamed. Could this be reality? Could we be starting a journey into a life changing diagnosis? Could my child have a life altering disease? I excused myself to the bathroom, and breathed deeply, fighting tears. A million images crossed my mind. Children I’d met with Down Syndrome. Stories I’d heard of precious babies being lost only hours or days after birth to Trisomy 13 or 18. I wracked my brain to think of what Cystic Fibrosis even was. I clutched my womb and I wept. I wept for the possibilities for my daughter. Over the next few weeks, I had so much blood drawn that my right arm was visibly covered in needle marks. We endured test after test, a re-test, and weeks of waiting by the phone. Mia tested negative for viral exposure, for Down Syndrome and for both Trisomy disorders. We thanked the Lord as we passed each mark. Then we got a phone call informing us that I am a carrier for Cystic Fibrosis. It felt like a jump in the wrong direction. I wept and I worried over this news. I researched Cystic Fibrosis. I felt powerless at the words I was reading on the screen. 

Then one day I decided to stop. To stop worrying. To stop researching. To stop questioning. I decided to feel peace. I remember sitting alone in my living room one evening. The house was dark and there was just me and Mia. She was rolling around in my belly, kicking and thumping against my body. I was listening to worship music and the most amazing song came on: 

Christ the Rock

by Kim Walker-Smith

On Christ the solid rock I stand.

No double minded shifting sands.

On Christ the rock I plant my feet

A firm foundation for me.

On Christ the rock I place my heart

And trust in who You say You are

No circumstance that blows my way

Will ever move this solid place

On Christ the solid rock I stand

Leaving behind the fear of man

With Christ the truth I will agree

Forsaking lies that come for me

On Christ the rock I lay my dreams

Come with your fire consuming me

With Christ the rock I make my plans

Partner with your purposes

You are Holy.

And it hit me then. There in the darkness, the final bars of that song still streaming over my speakers. In that moment I realized with such blessed release that Christ would take care of my Mia. No matter what her portion in this life—no matter what her story will be—God is her rock. He sustains her. 

I remembered that verse from my childhood. The one that I used to whisper into the dark night in my room from where I rested my head on my blue daisy pillow case. “I lay down to sleep… I wake up again because the Lord sustains me.” 

The same God who sustains me, is sustaining my little girl.

One of my best friends said to me, when she found out about the tests we were undergoing for Mia… she said, “Claire, Mia didn’t come into existence because you and Bryan made love. Mia came into existence because God wanted her to be. He just happened to use you and Bryan to make her.” 

Mia’s name means, “MINE”. But that’s just it, isn’t it? She’s NOT mine. She’s HIS. Beautifully and perfectly created and crafted by His own hand. With His own love. She is HIS. And He holds her in His hands. HE SUSTAINS HER.

Today we had another appointment with a specialist for Mia. We are waiting on more test results that will tell us whether or not my husband is a carrier for Cystic Fibrosis also. The marker that was there before is still there, though not as drastic. She is growing, she is healthy. There are still unknowns about her health… unknowns that may not become known even until months after her birth. We can only trust. We can only believe that when we close our eyes to sleep, we will once again wake up. We can only rest our souls, our minds, and our bodies in the hands of Him who has the power to sustain us.

I can’t sustain my daughter. Though she lives inside of me, I don’t control her formation. All I can do is trust the one that is forming her. 

My Peyton Spring

Four years ago you made me a momma.

I held you in my arms and we called you "Peyton Spring". You were warm and soft and fuzzy and pink. You were blond and blue eyed and the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. They put a little pink bow in your hair and I fell in love.

You were only hours old and I danced with you in my hospital gown. I was weak and I was sore from the labor of your life, but I was strong from new birth that coursed through me like a pulse. I danced with you and I sang you lullaby after lullaby. It was dark and your daddy slept, crumpled in that chair in the corner. Outside of our room the nurses worked and the women labored and the children were born. But there, in that room, dancing in the moonlight through the hospital window it was only you and me.

You were so small. So tiny and so lovely. So fragile and so very full of life.

Peyton Spring. "Christlike Renewal". The meaning couldn't have fit more perfectly. From the moment your life began, you were renewing me. What you've done in my life, Peyton, it can't be described any other way. You've been a fresh spring breeze and a fountain of life in our home. You've renewed the way I think, the way I feel and the way I love. You've made me softer, quieter, gentler. You've made me laugh more, made me dance more, made me smile more. You've humbled me. You've made me a better person.

You have these laughing blue eyes that sparkle. You have these strong little arms that hug me tight. I love it when you whisper secrets to me and when you proudly show me your paintings or the flower you picked just for me. I love watching you run through the grass, blond curls wildly bouncing and strong legs carrying you to some far off dream. You are passion. You are freedom. You are a freshness and a lightness that is medicine for my soul.

You are my firstborn. You had two younger siblings all before you ever even turned 3, but you took it all in stride. You have been mommy's right hand helper and you are so nurturing and caring. You take time to consider each member of the family and are always aware of so much more than I am. You "translate" your siblings baby speak and you always look out for their needs. You share better than any other preschooler I've ever met and I know it's not just because you've had to. You are sensitive to others and you are loving. You care deeply and you are quick to tell those you love how you feel about them.

You make me want to be young again. To run with you through a field and laugh about grass that tickles our feet. To swing higher, higher, higher. To lay on our backs and look at the sky and identify butterflies and decide which bird is the daddy. To giggle. But you also make me want to be old. To be wise. To be the best mother that has ever lived because I'm yours. You make me want to know everything so I can answer every question. You make me want to understand everything so I can always do right by you. You make me want to be selfless and to always be ready to drop everything and listen to your heart.

You are beautiful, Peyton. I am so thankful that I was given you as a daughter. Your life is my dream come true.

I love you. Always.

Remembering Gran

"My beloved Goldie" I could almost hear her gentle accented voice speaking the words as I read them. Her thick black pen had formed the letters in her distinctive script. She called me her "Golden Girl", her "Goldie". She made me feel treasured, adored and special.

I only saw my granny a handful of times. She lived in South Africa. A world away. Even though my time with her was scattered and brief, the closeness I felt to her was unexpected and unparalleled. She never let our distance stop her from being my gran. She wrote pages and pages of letters. She poured her heart out to me and chatted with me as if we were sitting face to face over a steamy cup of rooibos. She told  me stories of living in South Africa under apartheid and post-apartheid. She told me tales about her romances and adventures--all big screen worthy storylines. Every time her letters came in the mail, I'd sit in a corner and pore over them alone at first, and then we'd share them as a family. We'd sit and we'd read them, all entertained by her heartfelt words and her interesting news. She'd call us each out by name in her letters--made us all feel special.

Those few times I was with her, (twice here in America and twice in South Africa) I felt destined for greatness. She spoke life into me. She told me I was "a beauty" and she called me her "irrepressible cork" that couldn't be weighted down by anything. She told me which family members I bore traits of and reminded me that I wasn't alone. She taught me about the fact that blood is thicker than water--even the waters of the Atlantic and Indian Oceans between us. She, along with my mother instilled a love for South Africa in us. An unfamiliar country but the country of our heritage. A country who many people here in America know only for apartheid's cruel stories, AIDs statistics and Mandela's heroism. But a country that is so, so much more. A country that is home: people, faces, communities, hearts, beloved nannies, strong roots, rich history and family. My family.

She was foremost a woman of faith.

"After 83 years I've finally surrendered ALL TO JESUS. I'm throwing out all my memories--some wonderful, some horrid--and living just for the moment. God is at the helm. Finally I've died to I! What a relief to know I am now accountable only to my Lord."  

My Granny died two days ago, February 16. She was at my aunt's home in Botswana and died surrounded by those that loved her. She is now with the Lord she surrendered her everything to. She is dancing with Jesus having far greater adventures than she ever could've dreamed for herself.

My heart is full of memories of my Granny and there is only so much that I can say that will relate to you. But, at this time I'm happy with quiet rememberings. I want to close with a passage from a children's book my Gran gave us as kids. "Dear Mili" the book is called.

"I'm sure you have gone walking in the woods or in green meadows and passed a clear flowing brook. And you've tossed a flower into the brook, a red one, a blue one, or a snow white one. It drifted away, and you followed it with your eyes as far as you could. And it went quietly away with the little waves, farther and farther, all day long and all night too, by the light of the moon or the stars. It didn't need much light, for it knew the way and didn't get lost. When it had traveled for three days without stopping to rest, another flower came along on another brook. A child, like you, but far far away from here, had tossed it into a brook. at the same time. The two flowers kissed, and went their way together and stayed together until they both sank to the bottom. You have also seen a little bird flying away over the mountain in the evening. Perhaps you thought it was going to bed; not at all, another little bird was flying over the mountains, and when all was dark on the earth the two of them met in the last ray of sunshine. The sun shone bright on their feathers, and as they flew back and forth in the light they told each other many things that we on earth below could not hear. You see, the brooks and the flowers and the birds come together, but people do not; great mountains and rivers, forests and meadows, cities and villages lie in between, they have their set places and cannot be moved, and humans cannot fly. But one human heart goes out to another, undeterred by what lies between. Thus does my heart go out to you and though eyes have not seen you yet, my heart loves you and thinks it is sitting beside you."

"Anyways my lovely one, I wish you could fly in and play casino with me and I also do love scrabble.... Lovingly, Gran"

It's a Wonderful Life.

I'm moving forward. Some days I cry, some days I laugh. Most days I do both. I am adjusting to not being pregnant anymore and I'm adjusting to going from happy to devastated at the drop of a hat or the kind words of a friend or the sympathy card in the mailbox. I am moving forward through grief and loss, but I am also embracing joy and hope.

Christmas is almost upon us and the tree is up. The twinkling lights pull me right back to childhood. The familiar carols that never grow old brighten my spirits and bring movement to my feet. There are so many happy moments in this season that keep me smiling. The tears are still never far, but lately neither is the smile--and for that irony, I am thankful.

My hands are always full with my three wonderful kids. I love them so much and even more each day.

My hubby and I watched "It's a Wonderful Life" the other day.  I hadn't seen it in years. As we sat down to watch, the first thing I said was "Why don't they make a new one of this movie? It's so old!" But then as we got into it, I realized I know why they haven't made a new one. They don't need to. It's so pure and raw. It's so well done. I found myself getting so lost in it. And now as a parent, I understand so much of George Bailey's feelings all the more.

When Bryan and I met, we were at missions college. We had big dreams and big plans. We wanted to travel the world, preach the Gospel, get our hands dirty. We kept those plans and dreams well into our first years of marriage. We faced set backs and redirections but we kept the same vision. "Take the Gospel to the ends of the earth." And then we boarded that plane for South Africa. We landed and we hit the ground running. But an unexpected second child was on the way and the bank account was emptying. Our dream crumbled to dust right in our hands and we were lost. We came back to the States with a couple of suitcases and a couple of kids. We were confused. This wasn't the path we set out on. Bryan took a job he never wanted and I settled in at home to raise our kids. Far from the African continent and further from our starry eyed dreams.

A couple states and another kid later, and we still aren't where we thought we'd be. I don't know if the dreams that were whispered to our hearts will ever come true, but we are waiting on God. We have a lot of nights like George Bailey had. A lot of nights where everything goes wrong and we ask--just like George-- "Why did we have to have all these kids" and  "Why do we have to live in this crummy little town?"

But what if we didn't have it? What if the mess and the cribs and spills and the crayon covered walls and the dirty diapers and the crying at 1 am.. what if it was all gone?

What if Peyton with her clear blue eyes and her wild blond mane and her constant questions and her never ending passion and her constant asking to paint and her forgetting to pick up the crayons and her getting up seven times out of bed to ask for water and her "I love you Mommy" and her helping with cooking and her caring for her siblings and her dancing around the house with her party dress and her bouncing curls and her graceful movements... What if she was gone?

And what if Britany with her pudgy little hands and her smooth olive skin and her "mommy, help!" and her tearing of books and her spilling of milk and her smeared banana hands and her deep chocolate eyes and her full pink lips and her running nose and her little accident prone body and her slobbery kisses and the way she curls up in my arms and melts into me.... What if she never existed?

And what if Hunter who pulls at my hair and wakes me at 1 with his constant demand for my attention and his fussiness when I'm my most tired and his big blue eyes and his charming big grin and cuddles and his squirming and his putting everything in his mouth that he shouldn't and his screaming at me from across the room to hold him when all I want are 5 minutes of peace and his happy little face when I reach for him and the feel of his silky soft cheeks and the joy I feel when he reaches for me from across a room.... What if I'd never known him?



See, my life may have turned out quite differently from how I thought, or planned, or even dreamed. But my life is wonderful. And I wouldn't trade any of it for all the lofty dreams and sparkle in my teenage eyes. I never knew then what I know now. Love. The love of a marriage, the love of a family, and the wonderful life that those things have brought me.

God knows what He's doing. And, for the most part, we don't.

Some News!

"Like arrows in the hands of a mighty warrior are the children of one's youth. Happy is the man whose quiver is full." 

Just wanted to drop in and announce that our fourth "arrow" is due on June 6, 2013 :) We are thrilled beyond belief to be adding our family once again :) I am 9 weeks, 2 days pregnant.

So, my lovely blog readers, I hope you're ready for another 7 full months of bump updates, belly pictures, a gender reveal, a name announcement, and then of course, a fourth beautiful birth story :)

I took this picture a week ago, but wow, huh? That's what we call 4 babies in 4 years. Doesn't take long for a belly to pop when your body is so used to carrying a baby in there :) I still haven't had my first appointment, but I can't wait to see our newest little bean in there!

I'm feeling great... I get sick at night which I'm grateful for because my body seems to wait until my kids are in bed before I'm really feeling my worst. I'm thankful for that grace. I'm definitely tired and keeping up with my three isn't easy while growing a fourth, but I'm grateful and joyful in the midst of it. I don't mean to paint a false picture of all roses, I just know that I am blessed and I don't ever want to take forgranted the miracles of life that are my FOUR (!!!!) children.

I'm hoping to get back to regular blogging soon! So stay tuned :) :)

Lots of Love,

Pajamas and Rubber Boots

 Life is non stop these days.

My 3 amazing little ones keep me busy... but they also keep me happy. I'm learning to let go. To let go of the housework and embrace the fun.

Tonight, I took the trash cans out to the end of our driveway. Normally, my husband does that. Tonight, though, I did it. Just because I wanted to. I needed some fresh air. I took my just-turned-three year old with me. We traipsed down the drive in our rubber boots and chatted about life. We stomped through a puddle and we giggled at the way the gravel crunched under our soles. We joked about how silly we looked out and about in our jammies, and we stopped to talk about what color the neighbors cars were. We crouched at the edge of a puddle and watched a frog for a good ten minutes. She looked into my eyes and said, "I love you Mommy." just because.

Life may be busy, but I'm trying to keep my heart still. Because these are the moments I'll remember. Walking hand in hand with my little girl in our pj's and our mud boots. Watching a green frog hop through the puddle and listening to the peepers sing their evening song.

Someday, these moments will have passed.

I won't remember how shiny my counter tops were or how organized my kids dresser drawers were. But I will remember that tender expression in her blueberry eyes when she told me how much she loves being with me.

We came inside and I crawled in bed next to her. I watched her eyelids grow heavy and I listened to her breathe.

I want to slow it all down.

I can't believe Peyton is three. When did it happen?

When did my tiny baby learn to talk? To walk? To know her colors? To know what a frog is? She amazes me. She is so understanding. So tender. So fierce.

When I get stressed, exhausted and worn... her little hand will rest on my arm and she'll softly say, "Just relax, Mommy!" She's right, you know. What will happen if I leave dirty dishes for a night? Nothing. What will happen if I instead go and crawl into bed next to my daughter and share secrets and stories until she falls asleep? Amazing things. Closeness. Friendship. Love. Memories.

How I need these reminders!

I never thought I'd need to be reminded to enjoy life.

But life is too short and the days fly by too fast not to live in each moment... fully alive.

Life Lately

I guess it's been a while, huh?

Life with 3 under 3 is a whirlwind to say the least! Most days I barely have time to make it to the bathroom, let alone write a blog post! And I usually love to put time and thought into my posts... but I have this feeling, that if I'm going to be posting at all, I'm going to need to become okay with posting on the fly ;)

Hunter is doing really well. He's growing bigger and bigger every day! His big sisters adore him and all our hearts are full to overflowing!

In all honesty, I do feel like the transition from 2 to 3 has actually been harder than it was going from 1 to 2... and that was hard! Maybe it's just the age difference between Britany and Hunter, but it feels really difficult to juggle all 3 of them. God is giving me grace, and I know we'll get the hang of it, but for now there's lots of racing around and definitely lots of messes.

Peyton is getting ready to turn 3 at the end of this month! I can hardly believe it! She loves learning and knows 5 full passages of Scripture that she quotes every night. She also loves talking about shapes and colors, and identifying letters and numbers. She's gotten really good also at identifying the different types of birds we see out our window! She knows robins, blue jays, tufted titmouses, chickadees, woodpeckers and sparrows. She is learning to draw her letters and loves to draw pictures of people and animals. She loves painting, playing with "moon dough" and racing around the house with Daddy :)

Britany will be 17 months on the 7th of May! She's such a sweetheart. She started walking late, but now she's practically running all over the place! She LOVES climbing on everything and gets so excited when we go to the playground. She loves to dive down the slides headfirst, which is a little scary :) But it's fun to see how passionate she is about enjoying life! She loves to eat and will loudly give her opinion of whatever she's having :) She really enjoys playing with her siblings, and particularly adores Hunter right now. He's definitely a novelty for her. She gently caresses his cheek with hers and loves to give kisses. She's very affectionate and loving. She can hold her own though and won't be bossed around by big sister! Her favorite time of day is bathtime! And she's learning her body parts. She's starting to form words and says "bird" the most. She also can say "done", "bath", "momma", "dadda" and "gate" (which means Peyton!)

Hunter will be 2 months old next week. Wow. Time has flown by! He just started batting at his toys today!!! He has great strength in his neck/head and he LOVES to have tummy time. He looks deeply into our eyes when we hold him. His thick gorgeous blond hair is starting to curl slightly at the ends. He is a great, quick eater and loves it when his big sisters burp him :) He really loves it when we put his swing or bouncy chair in the sunshine so he can sunbathe. He quiets right down when riding in the hotsling or Moby, and he loves to be wrapped tight in a warm blanket. He takes 2 long naps during the day and then little catnaps throughout the rest of the day. He usually has his first nighttime feeding at 2am after a few cluster feeds in the late evening. He's finally beginning to put on a little bit of pudge! Such a cutie.

All in all, life is busy but wonderful.

Hopefully I'll be back with a better post soon, but for now, I wanted to jot down a few things I know I won't want to forget when this season is over :) It sure is going quickly.

12 Days of Sick

12 days. That's how long there has been sickness in our house. It all started when Bryan and I went away for our 4th wedding anniversary in the last weekend of January. We got back after a lovely, romantic, amazing night away (sans kids!) to a phone call that sweet Peyton had spent the night throwing up :( No fun! The poor thing was lethargic all day and I couldn't help but feel guilty that I hadn't been there for my baby during her first ever stomach flu! We spent the week focusing on Peyton's recovery and also bleaching the house in hopes that no one else would get the virus. Late Thursday night Peyton woke up coughing uncontrollably, and still to this day hasn't stopped. She has a terrible cold that keeps her from even being able to sleep well, and her normally loud and precocious little voice has been replaced by a hoarse little squeak :( On Friday evening, Britany started throwing up. My poor little baby! She was so confused about what was going on and wanted momma even more than usual. She was thankfully on the mend by the next morning, but woke up on Monday with the same cough as big sister. Last night I got the flu bug and was up all night with the absolute WORST stomach pains I think I've ever had (besides when I had gall stones, of course!) Being 30 weeks pregnant and sick is a wicked combination. 

So that's why I've been MIA. Caring for a sick family, and now caring for my sick self. My sweet husband (who woke up this morning with the girl's bad cough!) stayed home from work today so that I could recover and I'm so thankful. I can barely stand up straight let alone care for my babies today. I am praying that my body recovers quickly and that our whole family will be back to normal very soon! Please keep us in your prayers, if you think of us. It has been a nasty sick season over here and we're very ready to be well and to get out and enjoy the sunshine that has been pouring over our area these past few days! 

Oh! I wrote a guest post while I was gone for one of my favorite bloggy women! Stay tuned! I'll be sure to link you all up as soon as it's posted :) I'm excited about it... it's about one of my very, very favorite topics! 

Unashamed.

"Are they BOTH yours?" The host at Applebee's fairly cringed when I walked in the door with my one year old on my hip and my 2 year old in tow. My coat slipped open as I bent over to wipe my daughter's nose.
"OH MY GOD!" He exclaimed. "You're PREGNANT!"
"Yup." I responded, really just wanting him to do his job and take me to a table rather than gawking over my reproductive choices.
"Well, you've been busy" He turned on his heel and led us to a table in the back-- furthest from any other customers. I sighed in relief when he walked away, settling into my booth and getting my children situated in the booster seat and high chair provided.
"Hey I'm Nick. I'll be your server today." I look up and see the same host who brought us to our table. Great. He's going to be my waiter. Well, maybe he's gotten all his gawking out of the way and now he'll just take my order and get on with it.
"So you look awfully young to have so many kids. How old are you anyway?" No such luck. Uh oh. He's not done.
"I'm 22."
"WHOA! You ARE young! That is just crazy. So, I mean, why?" Why? Really? Does he really want to get personal? Should I launch into a 10 minute explanation of the fact that I'm super fertile and seem to fall pregnant as easily as I blink my eyelids? Should I tell him how most women stop ovulating while they're breastfeeding but my body continues to have a cycle, meaning that I become fertile again very shortly after delivering my babies? Should I tell him that I'm not all that comfortable with hormonal forms of birth control and that in my research I've found that the ways in which it prevents pregnancy are questionable at best and contradict my views on life and its very value? Should I just laugh him off and tell him I like sex? Should I get angry with him and just tell the kid to mind his own business and serve me my lunch? Should I call security? 


I'm ashamed to say I didn't have a good answer for him. To be honest, he caught me off guard. I gave him some ridiculous answer about wanting to have my kids close together so they'd grow up close. True, but not the best thing I could have said, I'm sure. I think anyway he got the message that I wasn't interested in talking about it. And other than a few smart comments throughout the meal about how messy my kids were, he mainly shut up.

But he got me thinking.

So, why?

Why am I due to have 3 kids under 3 just after my 23rd birthday?

All those reasons I thought up in my head certainly have something to do with it. But are any of them really the underscore? Do any of them truly define the reason my family is growing as rapidly as it is? No. I don't suppose they do. None of those reasons offer enough conviction and motivation to choose and continue a radical life style.

At the end of the day, whenever my husband and I discuss the size of our family, or the speed at which we are adding to it, there is one thing and one thing only that comes out of both our mouths.

"Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord. The fruit of the womb is a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, so are the children of one's youth. Happy is the man who has his quiver full of them; they shall not be ashamed..." -Psalm 127:3-5

I don't know how many children we will have. I don't know what God will show us over the coming months and years in regards to our family. But what I do know unwaveringly, is this: 

Children are NOT merely an inconvenience.

Children are NOT an unnecessary expense.

Children are NOT a curse.

Children are NOT an accident.

God is clear on this point. Children ARE a blessing. A REWARD. An inheritance. Who doesn't want all those things? 

My life is messy. My home is messier. My eyes are heavy. My back aches. I don't have it all figured out. I might look like a walking poster ad for birth control. I might be the image that causes people to shudder because they think my life looks so rough. I might be pitied by people for the tolls that pregnancy and child rearing have taken on my body and my time. I might be the example held up of why others want to wait to conceive, or why they want to space their children.

Why did people hug me, jump up and down with joy and slap my husband on the back when we got pregnant with our first.... but then look at us with apologetic eyes when we announced both our second and third pregnancies?

I even question this life so many times a day. If you read my last post, you know that loss of self is one of the hardest things for me about motherhood. I struggle. I falter. 

But in the eyes of the Lord? The only perspective that will ever truly matter? I know what I am because it is spelled out plainly in my Creator's words in Psalm 127:3-5. This is my credo. My hope. My motivation.

I am: 

BLESSED. 

REWARDED.

HAPPY.

UNASHAMED.

Family Love

When I wrote this post and declared that January would be the month of Increased Love, I had no idea how that would end up revealing itself in the coming days. I also had no idea how God would bring this about. And yet, here I am, on January 6th, already baffled at how God is teaching me about Love and how He is increasing it in my life.

On January 2nd or 3rd, we turned on our TV to find out that we had lost over half our channels. We've never paid for television, we were just able to pick up about 80 channels simply by plugging our cable in to the wall. Well, due to new upgrades, we've lost all but about 20 channels. And the 20 channels that are left, aren't really chock full of entertaining stuff, to be honest.

As I sat down with my kids the other evening, I realized that losing our channels was a way in which God was increasing the love in my home. Without the temptation of TV, we are left with much more time to spend with one another in the evenings. It's amazing how TV can consume so much time without our even realizing it. So as disappointed as I was when I first realized that I won't be able to watch many of my favorite shows, I'm also overjoyed. Because God is teaching me about increasing the love in my home. And I can do that by spending more focused time with my family without the distraction of the TV.

God is teaching me about setting aside my priorities, and placing my kids priorities at the top of the list. I am learning to let the housework wait a few minutes so I can have that tickle war on the living room floor with my girls. I am learning to rock my baby to sleep for a few extra lullabies. I am taking time for extra early morning snuggles, afternoon giggles, and bedtime stories.

This first week of January, God is increasing my love for my family. He is increasing the way I give love, and the way I receive it. He is increasing my desire to be a loving wife and mother and decreasing my desire to be selfish. Oh, I still am selfish. I'm all kinds of selfish. But... as He increases my love, He is increasing my understanding of His love. He is patient with me. Patient, kind and gracious. To know the increase of love in my life, is to know the increase of God in my life. And there is nothing but good in that.

Intentional Parenting

God has been whispering to my heart lately about parenting. Specifically about parenting my precocious two year old, Peyton.

God has been showing me that the way I parent Peyton every day directly effects the person Peyton is and will become. It sounds obvious, right? Well, sometimes I take a while to catch on, I guess.

Peyton will be 2 years old tomorrow. As she grows and becomes a young girl, her personality is emerging. She is passionate. She has a strong will, but it is balanced by a sensitive and compassionate heart. She doesn't do anything halfway. She throws herself into each and every experience without holding anything back. To be honest, sometimes looking at her is like looking into a mirror. As I watch her, my first born, I am reminded of the days when my own heart was as free and child-like as hers. When every new day was the dawn of a new adventure. When the world was full of hope and blissful mystery. 

When an education was found in every experience.

For Peyton, almost everything is new. In her 2 short years she may have already traveled the globe, but she still has never seen so many things. She has yet to learn how to count to 15. She doesn't know how many letters make up the alphabet. She's never heard the word "antonym" and she doesn't know about different religions. She's never heard of Lady Gaga, or the South Pole, and she's never seen a snake.


Recently I have been struck with the revelation that what I don't teach my children, they will learn somewhere else.

Peyton loves the movie "Charlottes Web". As you may know, Charlotte (the intelligent talking spider) dies at the end of the movie. There is a brief scene where Charlotte explains to Wilbur (the spring pig) about death and how it is the "way of all of us". As I watched Peyton stare at the screen and absorb the words being spoken, I realized that that was the first time she'd heard of death. I had never spoken to her about it... so she didn't know... but, now she did. And she learned it from Charlotte's Web. Was that really where I wanted her to learn of it?

Now I realize, that chances are she didn't really take in that definition and chances also are that she won't remember that scene long enough to understand it. But, God used that moment to teach me that Peyton is learning and will learn about all the things of this world. The good, the bad, the beautiful, the horrifying. Who will she learn them from? And will her teacher speak with love and tenderness? Or will those who teach her care nothing of how the education they provide strikes her tender young heart?

That same night, after my girls were sound asleep, I knelt down and asked God to help me be a parent. I asked him to help me to be intentional as I teach my daughters. I have to be honest, most days as a mother of 2 little ones, it's difficult to see the big picture. It's easy to simply try to get through the day without always acknowledging the importance of making calculated parenting decisions. But as I knelt there before God, He led me to a passage in His word that I now call my road map for raising my kids.

I want to read this passage over my children every day. I want to write it on their hearts and inscribe it on their hands. I want them to live this way... If they live with this passage as their constant instruction, then I will have been a mother who has done well before God. I can only pray that God will give me the grace and power to teach my children to obey these words:

(Note: I know this is a long passage, but if you are a parent I urge you to take the time to read it through. Pray it over your children today and every day.)

Proverbs 4

"Hear, O sons the instruction of a father,

And give attention that you may gain understanding,

For I give you sound teaching; Do not abandon my instruction.

When I was a son to my father, 

Tender and the only son in the sight of my mother,

Then he taught me and said to me, 

Let your heart hold fast my words;

Keep my commandments and LIVE;

Acquire wisdom! Acquire understanding!

Do not forget nor turn away from the words of my mouth. 

Do not forsake her (wisdom) and she will guard you;

Love her, and she will watch over you. 

The beginning of wisdom is: Aquire wisdom.

And with all your acquiring, get understanding.

Prize her, and she will exalt you; 

She will honor you if you embrace her.

She will place on your head a garland of grace;

She will present you with a crown of BEAUTY.

"Hear my son, and accept my sayings

And the years of your life will be many.

I have directed you in the way of wisdom;

I have led you in upright paths. 

When you walk, your steps will not be impeded; 

And if you run, you will not stumble.

Take hold of instruction; do not let go. 

Guard her for she is your life. 

Do not enter the path of the wicked, 

And do not proceed in the way of evil men. 

Avoid it, do not pass by it.

Turn away from it and pass on. 

For they cannot sleep unless they do evil; 

And they are robbed of sleep unless they make someone stumble. 

For they eat the bread of wickedness and drink the wine of violence.

But the path of the righteous is like the LIGHT OF DAWN.

That shines brighter and brighter until the full day.

The way of the wicked is like darkness;

They do not know over what they stumble.

My son, give attention to my words;

Incline your ear to my sayings. 

Do not let them depart from your sight; 

Keep them in the midst of your heart, 

For they are life to those who find them

And health to all their body.

Watch over your heart with all diligence, 

For from it flow the SPRING OF LIFE.

Put away from you a deceitful mouth

And put devious speech far from you.
Let your eyes look directly ahead

And let your gaze be fixed straight in front of you.

Watch the path of your feet 

And all your ways WILL BE ESTABLISHED.

Do not turn to the right, nor to the left; 

Turn your foot from evil."

Easter is about Grace.

How was your Easter? Mine was delicious. Literally. Delicious. 

Ham, sweet potatoes, brussel sprouts, bread rolls, sweet carrots... it was heavenly. 

Jelly beans, Cadbury Creme Eggs, milk chocolate and marshmallows. It was DELICIOUS.

Peyton was thrilled about her first Easter egg hunt! Even though she only got to eat about 3 of the eggs out of her basket yesterday, she was still one toddler that was loving Easter :) She also got a couple adorable toys out of the deal and a whole lot of love from her parents, grandparents and uncle. 

These 2 beautiful faces are the best Easter presents any Momma could want!

But yesterday morning... before the ham and the candy... before the bunnies and the pastels... before the laughing and the memory-making... came a morning of RESURRECTION. 

We went to church Easter morning ready to celebrate the truest meaning of Easter. The LIFE given to us by the DEATH DEFEATING POWER of RESURRECTION. And what that truth represents is GRACE. Beautiful, unprecedented, undeserved GRACE.

My pastor preached a simple, short, but GUT WRENCHING message on Grace. We are so blessed to be in such a wonderful church where God's love is delivered UNDISGUISED.

My pastor showed this video about Grace. At first, I sat in my seat laughing along with it... and then a moment came. A moment that left the room full of people silent. Teary eyed. Solemn. All because of the remarkable revelation of God's grace that came in that same moment. 

Take 4 minutes out of your Easter Monday to watch this video. Let yourself revel in the beauty of GRACE today. Let yourself bask in the glory of RESURRECTED life... HOPE, LOVE and a SECOND CHANCE.

Setting Goals

I think we all have a pretty good idea of who (or what) we DON'T want to be. But I know that I personally am guilty on not focusing enough on who I DO want to be. It's easy to feel guilty or get down on myself when I'm not the kind of wife and mother I truly desire to be. Last night, I sat down and wrote myself some goals about the type of woman I want to be. I hope that keeping them in the forefront of my heart will motivate me to achieve them. Every single one.


I WANT TO BE A mother WHO:

• is slow to anger
• is always open armed
• is loving
• is full of praise for her children
• is a gentle but firm discipliner
• is a positive example of a joyful spirit
• is a leader and teacher in the ways of salvation & godliness
• is a safe place for my children
• is not thrown off balance by changing seasons

I WANT TO BE A wife WHO:

• has a gentle & quiet spirit
• is always quick to LISTEN, to LOVE & to FORGIVE
• is slow to anger
• is a listening ear
• is a safe place for my husband to let down his guard
• is 100% given to my marriage
• is always ready to love & to be loved
• takes joy & pride in keeping my home to the best of my ability
• is a bright ray of sunshine in my husband’s world
• NEVER speaks badly about my husband to anyone EVER
• is my husband’s biggest cheerleader in EVERY endeavor he pursues

 What are some of your goals for the type of woman (or man) you desire to become?

Dreams for my Daughters

I've been thinking a lot lately about what I want my daughters lives to be like. As Bryan and I lay awake at night together, dreaming about our future, that's the topic that comes up the most. How do we want their childhoods to be spent?

It took us some time, but we've realized--without doubt--that parenting is the calling God has given us for this season. (see this post for that story) In light of that realization, we want to have specific goals and dreams for our daughters.We are still searching for the full vision for their lives, but a few things are already sure:

1) I want them to be dreamers. Whenever I'm asked to describe myself as a young girl, one phrase always passes through my lips, "I was forever chasing fireflies and catching dreams". You see, I was a dreamer, and I want the same for my daughters. I fear that their generation is so full of electronics and social networking that they will lose the art of play. I don't want my daughters to connect with each other over X-box Kinect... but rather I want them to connect by losing themselves in the mystery of their own imaginations. I want them to run wild and free in a spacious backyard. I want them to climb a tree and enter a kingdom full of possibility. I don't want their fancy dress up games to be outfitting their avatars on the Wii... but rather to open a trunk in their bedroom where they've collected piles of ribbon and tulle, too big high heels and feathered boas. I want them to run barefoot through the tall grass, to feel the wind and sunshine on their faces and in their hair. I want them to learn responsibility not through having to constantly check back on their Farmville crops, but through feeding their puppies and watering their pony. I want them to run and laugh and play. To lay in the grass, look at the clouds and lose themselves in possibility. I want them to dream without limit and to hope without fear of disappointment.

2) I want them to enjoy life. I remember watching "Bridge to Terebithia" a couple of years ago. There was a scene in the movie where the little girl comes home from school and her parents tell her that they're on a mission to paint their living room gold so that by sunset, the light would bounce off the walls and "catch fire". When they're done, they all sit on the floor with popcorn and lemonade, admiring their work and enjoying that messy moment of blissful togetherness. That image has stuck with me... the idea of being carefree enough to let loose just so my children can have special, happy memories. To not worry about the messiness of life, but just to allow life to happen in its purest form--sloppy, unplanned, flawed, accidentally beautiful life.

3) I want them to know how much they're loved. ...and not only by me. I adore my beautiful girls... but I'm not the only one who does. They have a father who would give the world for them. A daddy who protects and loves them with a fierceness that takes my breath away. In a world that knows fatherlessness all too well, my daughters are blessed enough to know the love of a daddy who has given himself fully to his God-given role. They will never wonder if they are beautiful--he will tell them that they are. They will never question that they are protected--his strong arms will answer them. They will never need to look for the picture of true manhood--their father is a firm example. And Bryan's example is God. An example that will never fail--One that will pick up the pieces that Bryan can't fit. the One who will answer the questions we can't resolve. I want my girls to know how deeply and passionately their Heavenly Father yearns for their hearts. And I want for them to give Him their hearts without reserve. Only love given fully can know love completely.

I realize that those are broad, and undefined, and leave a lot to still be envisioned... but those are the 3 main things that I dream for my girls. And I hope and pray that they are dreams that will come true.

Family Pictures

My beautiful sister in law, Kelli (who also happens to be one of my best friends...!) has taken up photography lately. She stayed with us for a couple weeks over Christmas/New Year and took some stunning family pictures for us!!!

Now my project is to get a bunch of these printed out so that I can hang them on my walls!!! Just one more way I'm working to make our house our home.

So here they are! ENJOY!!! (And if you're in the Minneapolis area and would like some pictures done, give Kelli a shout!!!)

Britany Zoe Flores

Well, I know it's been a while, but lets just say... I have a good excuse!

Britany Zoe Flores 

arrived on December 7, 2010 at 8:01 am!

6 pounds, 7 ounces & 19 1/2 inches long!

Britany's name means "Defender of Life". Her life story is already a breathtaking one... and she's just 3 1/2 weeks old. 

We conceived Britany at a time when we weren't planning on having a second child. She wasn't part of our plan, but she sure was a part of God's. Her conception opened our eyes to the reality that we can't control life. That power belongs to God, and God alone. And in His hands alone does it belong. 

At just 10 weeks of pregnancy, we flew across the ocean to Cape Town, South Africa to embark on the most incredible life changing experience we have ever shared as a family. At 25 weeks, we flew back to the U.S. due to circumstances beyond our control. At 31 weeks of pregnancy, I was admitted to the hospital with pre-term labor. I was faced with the reality that my baby might be born at a dangerously small size, and perhaps might not survive. I was put on bed rest for 3 weeks, a time during which I realized that every little decision I would make could effect my daughter for life. At 36 weeks, I began to develop symptoms of the dangerous disease Cholestasis (which I had during my pregnancy with Peyton... read about it HERE The more doctors research this disease, they are finding that you can have a 100% healthy baby one day, and a dead baby the next. This disease is frightening, and unfortunately awareness about it is poor at best.) At 36 1/2 weeks, I cried out to God. I pleaded with Him for the life of my baby--just as I did when I contracted the disease with Peyton--I asked Him that if I was truly developing Cholestasis if He would cause me to go into labor right away to save the life of my baby. No sooner had I said Amen, than the contractions began. Once in the hospital the doctor tested my blood levels and sure enough, I had Cholestasis. Even though I was already in labor, they broke my water to expedite the process. 3 1/2 hours later, Britany was in my arms... and her father and I were praising God for saving her life. 

Britany Zoe is now 3 1/2 weeks old and she is the light of our lives. Each time I look at her healthy, perfect form, I am reminded of a God who knit her together intricately inside my body. I praise that God for His faithfulness, His mercy and His favor toward us. 

 

Big sister Peyton is absolutely in love!!! I praise God for how He's been faithful even to her in this time. I worried (naturally) that Peyton would still feel secure in her place in our family... and in all honesty, she couldn't be a more wonderful big sister. She wakes up each morning, and as soon as she sees her new sister, she shrieks "Hi you! Hiiii!!" She calls Britany, "Momma" (haha! not sure why?!) and is always concerned about her. I've even caught her sneaking Britany some yogurt and attempting to feed her out of her doll's baby bottle! She has transitioned well to becoming a more and more independent big sister. I couldn't be a more proud or blessed mother. 

No, I haven't had a good nights sleep in weeks. No, I don't have time to do alot of the "me-things" I enjoy. Yes, I am crazy busy. Yes, I do want to pull my hair out some days. But Yes. Yes I am in love. Yes I am overwhelmed with pride and joy. Yes, I am exactly who I want to be. Yes, I am living the life I love.