Britany Zoe is TWO!

I can't believe I'm really sitting down to write this post. But here we are, December 7, 2012 and that means that my sweet Britany is really 2 years old.

Two years ago today, welcomed our sweet girl into this world. Her birth was by far the easiest out of my three kids. It was a relatively calm experience and I felt so peaceful during it. I loved the doctor who delivered her and I can remember laughing at a joke she made while pushing! You can read Britany's birth story here.  And if you're interested in reading about Britany's first year of life, you can do that too ;) 

First picture with Daddy

First picture with Mommy

First picture with BIG sister Peyton

This has been a big year in Miss Britany's life. When she was 15 months old, she became a big sister! She couldn't have made a better transition. Britany has been the most loving, caring, nurturing "little mommy" to little Hunter. 

I was worried about how she would react to him at first, since she's always been Mommy's girl and has been very attached to me. I remember the night before he was born, I rocked Britany to sleep in my arms and just wept. I couldn't believe that my baby was really going to be the big sister. In a way, I had to grieve that she was no longer going to be my baby. (I know it sounds weird, but moms of more than one kid, I think you'll get it!) But as soon as she met little Hunter, she was in love. She gave him kisses constantly and every morning when she woke up (actually she STILL does this!) she looked for Hunter first thing to give him a good morning kiss and hug. 

Still to this day she is so concerned about Hunter always. If she hears him crying she's sure to let me know so that I can take care of him. She brings him toys and food (sometimes food he's not supposed to have haha) and likes to help with his diaper changes and dressing him. He's her own real life baby doll ;) 

Britany's relationship with big sister Peyton has only continued to grow. They are best friends and the perfect playmates. Of course they fight, but they fight a lot less than they get along. They are always looking out for one another and always coming up with new games to play :) I'll often look over and find them both squished in a laundry basket together with blankets, pillows and stuffed animals going on a "train ride" or building a fort. They LOVE to be together. 

Loving each other!

Waiting for Mommy & Daddy to come home from the hospital

Playing in the stream this past summer in VT

Painting together

Feeding the ducks at the waterfront in VT

Loitering ;) in Burlington VT

 Britany is a joy to be around and is such a wonderful part of our family. We wouldn't be who we are without her. She has a sweet, sensitive side that brings out the most tender parts in me.

Britany is full of life and definitely full of LOVE. She has this way of hugging that makes you feel like you could never let go. She melts into you and holds you so close you can feel her heart beat. She gives the most slobbery kisses and has this crinkly nose way of smiling. She runs around so quickly and is always the busiest little Bee. She always has some "mission" or task that she's accomplishing, but she's never too busy to be interrupted for a kiss :) She's been practically BEGGING me to potty train her even though I've been hesitant, but my sweet girl will get her wish as underwear will be one of her presents :) She wants to do EVERYTHING that Peyton does and can't be left out. She loves to have her tummy and back tickled and will loudly request it until you comply :) Britany is our affectionate one. She's loving, tender, compassionate and sweet. She's chubby cheeks and chocolate brown eyes. She's silky soft skin and tough little bare feet. She's an infectious laugh and a pitiful whine. She's a little sister, and a big sister. She's our wise old owl who can empathize with anyone, and she's our shy little bird hiding behind my legs when strangers pass. She's breathtakingly beautiful.

I really can't believe she's 2 today. It feels like yesterday we brought her home from the hospital... pink and warm and snuggly.

We love you Britany Zoe. And we wouldn't trade you for the world.

It's a Wonderful Life.

I'm moving forward. Some days I cry, some days I laugh. Most days I do both. I am adjusting to not being pregnant anymore and I'm adjusting to going from happy to devastated at the drop of a hat or the kind words of a friend or the sympathy card in the mailbox. I am moving forward through grief and loss, but I am also embracing joy and hope.

Christmas is almost upon us and the tree is up. The twinkling lights pull me right back to childhood. The familiar carols that never grow old brighten my spirits and bring movement to my feet. There are so many happy moments in this season that keep me smiling. The tears are still never far, but lately neither is the smile--and for that irony, I am thankful.

My hands are always full with my three wonderful kids. I love them so much and even more each day.

My hubby and I watched "It's a Wonderful Life" the other day.  I hadn't seen it in years. As we sat down to watch, the first thing I said was "Why don't they make a new one of this movie? It's so old!" But then as we got into it, I realized I know why they haven't made a new one. They don't need to. It's so pure and raw. It's so well done. I found myself getting so lost in it. And now as a parent, I understand so much of George Bailey's feelings all the more.

When Bryan and I met, we were at missions college. We had big dreams and big plans. We wanted to travel the world, preach the Gospel, get our hands dirty. We kept those plans and dreams well into our first years of marriage. We faced set backs and redirections but we kept the same vision. "Take the Gospel to the ends of the earth." And then we boarded that plane for South Africa. We landed and we hit the ground running. But an unexpected second child was on the way and the bank account was emptying. Our dream crumbled to dust right in our hands and we were lost. We came back to the States with a couple of suitcases and a couple of kids. We were confused. This wasn't the path we set out on. Bryan took a job he never wanted and I settled in at home to raise our kids. Far from the African continent and further from our starry eyed dreams.

A couple states and another kid later, and we still aren't where we thought we'd be. I don't know if the dreams that were whispered to our hearts will ever come true, but we are waiting on God. We have a lot of nights like George Bailey had. A lot of nights where everything goes wrong and we ask--just like George-- "Why did we have to have all these kids" and  "Why do we have to live in this crummy little town?"

But what if we didn't have it? What if the mess and the cribs and spills and the crayon covered walls and the dirty diapers and the crying at 1 am.. what if it was all gone?

What if Peyton with her clear blue eyes and her wild blond mane and her constant questions and her never ending passion and her constant asking to paint and her forgetting to pick up the crayons and her getting up seven times out of bed to ask for water and her "I love you Mommy" and her helping with cooking and her caring for her siblings and her dancing around the house with her party dress and her bouncing curls and her graceful movements... What if she was gone?

And what if Britany with her pudgy little hands and her smooth olive skin and her "mommy, help!" and her tearing of books and her spilling of milk and her smeared banana hands and her deep chocolate eyes and her full pink lips and her running nose and her little accident prone body and her slobbery kisses and the way she curls up in my arms and melts into me.... What if she never existed?

And what if Hunter who pulls at my hair and wakes me at 1 with his constant demand for my attention and his fussiness when I'm my most tired and his big blue eyes and his charming big grin and cuddles and his squirming and his putting everything in his mouth that he shouldn't and his screaming at me from across the room to hold him when all I want are 5 minutes of peace and his happy little face when I reach for him and the feel of his silky soft cheeks and the joy I feel when he reaches for me from across a room.... What if I'd never known him?



See, my life may have turned out quite differently from how I thought, or planned, or even dreamed. But my life is wonderful. And I wouldn't trade any of it for all the lofty dreams and sparkle in my teenage eyes. I never knew then what I know now. Love. The love of a marriage, the love of a family, and the wonderful life that those things have brought me.

God knows what He's doing. And, for the most part, we don't.

Happy First Birthday Britany Zoe

 My Darling Britany Zoe,

I can't believe that I'm sitting here writing this letter.

To think that a year has passed since you arrived, sweet girl, is unreal. And yet, I feel like you've been part of our family forever.

I found out I was pregnant with you in April 2010. Your big sister was only 10 months old, and I was surprised to be pregnant again so soon. But the moment the reality sank in that our family was growing again, I began to feel such a deep love for you. I dreamed of what you would be like, and how much fun you and your sister would have together. When we found out you were a little girl, we knew immediately what we would call you. Britany Zoe--"Defender of Life". or "Bright, Bold, Beautiful Life". We knew that you would be a child that would bring life--both to our family and to the world.

16 weeks pregnant in South Africa

26 weeks pregnant in Vermont

30 weeks pregnant in Vermont

36 weeks pregnant--the same day I went into labor.
You were born only hours after this picture was taken!

 My pregnancy with you wasn't an easy one. From moving to South Africa when I was 2 months pregnant, to moving back to the U.S. when I was 5 months along and then pre-term labor and a hospital stay at 7 months, and then bed rest until finally you were born 4 weeks early.

But despite that difficult pregnancy, your birth was one of the most peaceful events of my life. I felt so calm knowing that you were on your way! Your labor only took 3 1/2 hours. I pushed you out in 10 minutes. Your daddy and my doctor supported me through the whole experience and encouraged me to keep going! When you came into the world and they laid me in your arms, I fell instantly in love! The pediatric team was there prepared to take you to the NICU since you were 4 weeks early, but the moment you arrived they turned and left because it was obvious you were a healthy baby! I praised God for that! My recovery from your birth was seamless. I didn't need any stitching or anything, so I was able to focus on loving you and not as much on healing. We had such wonderful moments of cuddling in the hospital!

The first picture of you! Moments after your birth
at 8:01 AM on December 7, 2010.

Meeting big sister Peyton for the very first time!

We were able to bring you home from the hospital after only staying there one night. I was so anxious to bring you home and to begin life as a mother of two!

a couple days old

You were an absolute DREAM of a baby to have! You slept a lot of the time, and when you were awake you were happy and content to be held and loved by all of us and your doting sister. You made the sweetest coos and sounds and your wide brown eyes were captivating to everyone who met you.

5 days old

2 weeks old, lying in Daddy's arms

As you continued to grow throughout the year, your sweet personality continued to come through more and more. You were tender, loving, sensitive and happy. Your smile was always ready and your sweetness apparent. Everyone who meets you comments on your striking beauty and your smooth, olive skin.

3 months old

4 months old

5 months old

5 months old, looking just like Daddy!

6 months old, crawling in the grass :)

6 months old

When you turned 6 months, I remember realizing how quickly time had already flown by. The tiny baby who was once content to lay in my arms and coo was now sitting up, eating solid foods, babbling up a storm, interacting with her big sister, and cutting her first tooth.

10 months old 

Your sweet disposition remained even as you grew. Always soulful. Always tender. Always loving.

Now at one year of age, I'm amazed at how much you've grown. You are crawling, laughing, pulling yourself up and so interactive.

Your favorite thing to do right now is pull things off shelves and out of drawers :) I suppose I should teach you not to do this, but it just does my heart so much good to see you so happy and occupied :) You've struggled a lot with not wanting to be away from me, so when I see you enjoying an independent activity, I smile. I know it means my baby is growing up, but that's the thing about motherhood. What breaks your heart also makes it sing.

I can't wait to watch your life unfold, my sweet Britsy. You are beautiful, tender, caring and soulful. You have a deep heart and strong intellect. You feel deeply and you love deeply. You have a ready smile and a pure heart.

I love you my beautiful Britany Zoe. I can't wait to watch you grow and change in the years to come. I know you will make such a caring big sister to your new little brother next spring. But for now, I"ll cuddle you close and let you be the baby. Because in so many ways you still are. Stay close to me, baby girl. When I look at that picture right above this, I can't help but wish I could somehow just keep you this way forever. I love the way your plump little cheeks are irresistible to kiss. The way your pudgy soft hands reach for mine. The way your nose crinkles when you smile. The way your high voice babbles baby talk. The way you crawl quickly to me when I walk into a room. The way you let out a squeal when you hear your Daddy walk in from work. The way you love us all, and we love you.

Thank you for joining our family, baby. We are all the better for having known you.

All my love,

Your Momma

Intentional Parenting

God has been whispering to my heart lately about parenting. Specifically about parenting my precocious two year old, Peyton.

God has been showing me that the way I parent Peyton every day directly effects the person Peyton is and will become. It sounds obvious, right? Well, sometimes I take a while to catch on, I guess.

Peyton will be 2 years old tomorrow. As she grows and becomes a young girl, her personality is emerging. She is passionate. She has a strong will, but it is balanced by a sensitive and compassionate heart. She doesn't do anything halfway. She throws herself into each and every experience without holding anything back. To be honest, sometimes looking at her is like looking into a mirror. As I watch her, my first born, I am reminded of the days when my own heart was as free and child-like as hers. When every new day was the dawn of a new adventure. When the world was full of hope and blissful mystery. 

When an education was found in every experience.

For Peyton, almost everything is new. In her 2 short years she may have already traveled the globe, but she still has never seen so many things. She has yet to learn how to count to 15. She doesn't know how many letters make up the alphabet. She's never heard the word "antonym" and she doesn't know about different religions. She's never heard of Lady Gaga, or the South Pole, and she's never seen a snake.


Recently I have been struck with the revelation that what I don't teach my children, they will learn somewhere else.

Peyton loves the movie "Charlottes Web". As you may know, Charlotte (the intelligent talking spider) dies at the end of the movie. There is a brief scene where Charlotte explains to Wilbur (the spring pig) about death and how it is the "way of all of us". As I watched Peyton stare at the screen and absorb the words being spoken, I realized that that was the first time she'd heard of death. I had never spoken to her about it... so she didn't know... but, now she did. And she learned it from Charlotte's Web. Was that really where I wanted her to learn of it?

Now I realize, that chances are she didn't really take in that definition and chances also are that she won't remember that scene long enough to understand it. But, God used that moment to teach me that Peyton is learning and will learn about all the things of this world. The good, the bad, the beautiful, the horrifying. Who will she learn them from? And will her teacher speak with love and tenderness? Or will those who teach her care nothing of how the education they provide strikes her tender young heart?

That same night, after my girls were sound asleep, I knelt down and asked God to help me be a parent. I asked him to help me to be intentional as I teach my daughters. I have to be honest, most days as a mother of 2 little ones, it's difficult to see the big picture. It's easy to simply try to get through the day without always acknowledging the importance of making calculated parenting decisions. But as I knelt there before God, He led me to a passage in His word that I now call my road map for raising my kids.

I want to read this passage over my children every day. I want to write it on their hearts and inscribe it on their hands. I want them to live this way... If they live with this passage as their constant instruction, then I will have been a mother who has done well before God. I can only pray that God will give me the grace and power to teach my children to obey these words:

(Note: I know this is a long passage, but if you are a parent I urge you to take the time to read it through. Pray it over your children today and every day.)

Proverbs 4

"Hear, O sons the instruction of a father,

And give attention that you may gain understanding,

For I give you sound teaching; Do not abandon my instruction.

When I was a son to my father, 

Tender and the only son in the sight of my mother,

Then he taught me and said to me, 

Let your heart hold fast my words;

Keep my commandments and LIVE;

Acquire wisdom! Acquire understanding!

Do not forget nor turn away from the words of my mouth. 

Do not forsake her (wisdom) and she will guard you;

Love her, and she will watch over you. 

The beginning of wisdom is: Aquire wisdom.

And with all your acquiring, get understanding.

Prize her, and she will exalt you; 

She will honor you if you embrace her.

She will place on your head a garland of grace;

She will present you with a crown of BEAUTY.

"Hear my son, and accept my sayings

And the years of your life will be many.

I have directed you in the way of wisdom;

I have led you in upright paths. 

When you walk, your steps will not be impeded; 

And if you run, you will not stumble.

Take hold of instruction; do not let go. 

Guard her for she is your life. 

Do not enter the path of the wicked, 

And do not proceed in the way of evil men. 

Avoid it, do not pass by it.

Turn away from it and pass on. 

For they cannot sleep unless they do evil; 

And they are robbed of sleep unless they make someone stumble. 

For they eat the bread of wickedness and drink the wine of violence.

But the path of the righteous is like the LIGHT OF DAWN.

That shines brighter and brighter until the full day.

The way of the wicked is like darkness;

They do not know over what they stumble.

My son, give attention to my words;

Incline your ear to my sayings. 

Do not let them depart from your sight; 

Keep them in the midst of your heart, 

For they are life to those who find them

And health to all their body.

Watch over your heart with all diligence, 

For from it flow the SPRING OF LIFE.

Put away from you a deceitful mouth

And put devious speech far from you.
Let your eyes look directly ahead

And let your gaze be fixed straight in front of you.

Watch the path of your feet 

And all your ways WILL BE ESTABLISHED.

Do not turn to the right, nor to the left; 

Turn your foot from evil."

Dreams for my Daughters

I've been thinking a lot lately about what I want my daughters lives to be like. As Bryan and I lay awake at night together, dreaming about our future, that's the topic that comes up the most. How do we want their childhoods to be spent?

It took us some time, but we've realized--without doubt--that parenting is the calling God has given us for this season. (see this post for that story) In light of that realization, we want to have specific goals and dreams for our daughters.We are still searching for the full vision for their lives, but a few things are already sure:

1) I want them to be dreamers. Whenever I'm asked to describe myself as a young girl, one phrase always passes through my lips, "I was forever chasing fireflies and catching dreams". You see, I was a dreamer, and I want the same for my daughters. I fear that their generation is so full of electronics and social networking that they will lose the art of play. I don't want my daughters to connect with each other over X-box Kinect... but rather I want them to connect by losing themselves in the mystery of their own imaginations. I want them to run wild and free in a spacious backyard. I want them to climb a tree and enter a kingdom full of possibility. I don't want their fancy dress up games to be outfitting their avatars on the Wii... but rather to open a trunk in their bedroom where they've collected piles of ribbon and tulle, too big high heels and feathered boas. I want them to run barefoot through the tall grass, to feel the wind and sunshine on their faces and in their hair. I want them to learn responsibility not through having to constantly check back on their Farmville crops, but through feeding their puppies and watering their pony. I want them to run and laugh and play. To lay in the grass, look at the clouds and lose themselves in possibility. I want them to dream without limit and to hope without fear of disappointment.

2) I want them to enjoy life. I remember watching "Bridge to Terebithia" a couple of years ago. There was a scene in the movie where the little girl comes home from school and her parents tell her that they're on a mission to paint their living room gold so that by sunset, the light would bounce off the walls and "catch fire". When they're done, they all sit on the floor with popcorn and lemonade, admiring their work and enjoying that messy moment of blissful togetherness. That image has stuck with me... the idea of being carefree enough to let loose just so my children can have special, happy memories. To not worry about the messiness of life, but just to allow life to happen in its purest form--sloppy, unplanned, flawed, accidentally beautiful life.

3) I want them to know how much they're loved. ...and not only by me. I adore my beautiful girls... but I'm not the only one who does. They have a father who would give the world for them. A daddy who protects and loves them with a fierceness that takes my breath away. In a world that knows fatherlessness all too well, my daughters are blessed enough to know the love of a daddy who has given himself fully to his God-given role. They will never wonder if they are beautiful--he will tell them that they are. They will never question that they are protected--his strong arms will answer them. They will never need to look for the picture of true manhood--their father is a firm example. And Bryan's example is God. An example that will never fail--One that will pick up the pieces that Bryan can't fit. the One who will answer the questions we can't resolve. I want my girls to know how deeply and passionately their Heavenly Father yearns for their hearts. And I want for them to give Him their hearts without reserve. Only love given fully can know love completely.

I realize that those are broad, and undefined, and leave a lot to still be envisioned... but those are the 3 main things that I dream for my girls. And I hope and pray that they are dreams that will come true.

Britany Zoe Flores

Well, I know it's been a while, but lets just say... I have a good excuse!

Britany Zoe Flores 

arrived on December 7, 2010 at 8:01 am!

6 pounds, 7 ounces & 19 1/2 inches long!

Britany's name means "Defender of Life". Her life story is already a breathtaking one... and she's just 3 1/2 weeks old. 

We conceived Britany at a time when we weren't planning on having a second child. She wasn't part of our plan, but she sure was a part of God's. Her conception opened our eyes to the reality that we can't control life. That power belongs to God, and God alone. And in His hands alone does it belong. 

At just 10 weeks of pregnancy, we flew across the ocean to Cape Town, South Africa to embark on the most incredible life changing experience we have ever shared as a family. At 25 weeks, we flew back to the U.S. due to circumstances beyond our control. At 31 weeks of pregnancy, I was admitted to the hospital with pre-term labor. I was faced with the reality that my baby might be born at a dangerously small size, and perhaps might not survive. I was put on bed rest for 3 weeks, a time during which I realized that every little decision I would make could effect my daughter for life. At 36 weeks, I began to develop symptoms of the dangerous disease Cholestasis (which I had during my pregnancy with Peyton... read about it HERE The more doctors research this disease, they are finding that you can have a 100% healthy baby one day, and a dead baby the next. This disease is frightening, and unfortunately awareness about it is poor at best.) At 36 1/2 weeks, I cried out to God. I pleaded with Him for the life of my baby--just as I did when I contracted the disease with Peyton--I asked Him that if I was truly developing Cholestasis if He would cause me to go into labor right away to save the life of my baby. No sooner had I said Amen, than the contractions began. Once in the hospital the doctor tested my blood levels and sure enough, I had Cholestasis. Even though I was already in labor, they broke my water to expedite the process. 3 1/2 hours later, Britany was in my arms... and her father and I were praising God for saving her life. 

Britany Zoe is now 3 1/2 weeks old and she is the light of our lives. Each time I look at her healthy, perfect form, I am reminded of a God who knit her together intricately inside my body. I praise that God for His faithfulness, His mercy and His favor toward us. 

 

Big sister Peyton is absolutely in love!!! I praise God for how He's been faithful even to her in this time. I worried (naturally) that Peyton would still feel secure in her place in our family... and in all honesty, she couldn't be a more wonderful big sister. She wakes up each morning, and as soon as she sees her new sister, she shrieks "Hi you! Hiiii!!" She calls Britany, "Momma" (haha! not sure why?!) and is always concerned about her. I've even caught her sneaking Britany some yogurt and attempting to feed her out of her doll's baby bottle! She has transitioned well to becoming a more and more independent big sister. I couldn't be a more proud or blessed mother. 

No, I haven't had a good nights sleep in weeks. No, I don't have time to do alot of the "me-things" I enjoy. Yes, I am crazy busy. Yes, I do want to pull my hair out some days. But Yes. Yes I am in love. Yes I am overwhelmed with pride and joy. Yes, I am exactly who I want to be. Yes, I am living the life I love.