Making Today a Memory.

I stumbled on my old collection of home videos earlier this week. As I relived days gone by through the shaky lens of my phone camera, memories came flooding back. Funny how, even though my eldest is only four and a half, there are already days of parenting that are so far behind me I'll never go back to them. As I laughed at my oldest daughter at 20 months, making funny faces into the camera... and as I was impressed by my second daughter reciting flashcards at 15 months, I longed to go back. But I can't. That's life after all. You live each moment, and then it's gone. Just like that.

I'm a busy mom. I have piles of laundry and dishes, lists of appointments and reminders. There are toys to pick up, toilets to clean and hours worth of to do's. But what if today I let the piles grow? What if, for today, I left toys on the floor? What if we made peanut butter and jelly for dinner, ripped up the to do list and turned up our noses at the mess? What if instead we had a dance party in the living room--dressed in our twirliest dresses? What if instead we rolled around in the fresh snow until our noses turn red and we race inside for hot chocolate? What if instead of cleaning up my sons legos I build the biggest tower ever with him? What if instead of looking back on moments gone, I lived in moments now?

What if I made today with my kids, the best memory of them all?

“Do not look back and grieve over the past, for it is gone; 

and do not be troubled about the future, for it has yet to come. 

Live in the present, and make it so beautiful that it will 

be worth remembering”

― Ida Scott Taylor

Finding Yourself in Motherhood

If you're a mom, the title of this post isn't a foreign idea to you. It's no secret that mother's of young children have a difficult time not losing themselves in the daily grind of diaper changes, burp rags, toilet training and laundry loads.

But in the throes of motherhood, how do you keep from losing yourself? How do you remind yourself of the things that make you, YOU?

I remember a significant moment shortly after I had my second child. After Britany was born, I struggled in a way I hadn't yet as a mother. I was the new mother of 2 under 2. I was literally on survival mode. Rather than living to the fullest with my toddler and infant, I was simply doing just what I could to keep everyone alive. I hadn't really told anyone about my private struggle with the demands of my new life. Not even my husband knew how difficult of a time I was having. When I look back on that time, I can describe it as like being in the middle of the ocean treading water...barely able to keep my head above. I guess you could say I had a classic case of post partum depression, although at the time I wouldn't have so logically labeled it. I felt like I was drowning in my own life, and while I was just barely getting by as a mother, I certainly didn't have the time or energy to focus on being anything other than that. One particular day, when our new daughter was probably less than 2 months old, we had a big snowfall in Vermont. My husband went outside to shovel the back deck, and I stayed in with the girls. After about 15 minutes, my husband came in and asked if I'd like to finish the shoveling--if only to get out for a bit. I reluctantly agreed and grabbed my coat and gloves and started shoveling. After I finished the deck, it was almost dusk. There was a gray fog that had settled and snow started falling. Cold, blustery snow. The kind that sticks. The snow kept coming until it you could barely see for 100 feet in front of you. I walked off the deck and into the woods behind our house. And I stood there. In the quiet. With the quiet, calm, cold snow falling around me. All I could hear was the wind and all I could see was snow and trees. I stood there for minutes. Just letting time pass and just being silent. Just being me. Memories flashed of countless snow storms of my childhood. Playing outside in the snow, letting it's clean blanket restore the earth in newness. It was restoring me in those moments. I closed my eyes and let the cold flakes fall and the wind blow and silence sweep over me.

I don't remember the exact details, of course, but I'm sure that as I went back into that house, the crying started, the housework reappeared and the responsibilities of a mother of two small children resumed. But the work those moments had done in my heart remained. A moment to breathe. A chance to reflect. An opportunity to be myself for even a second--without demands, without servitude.

Mothers, I know it's not easy to get away. I know it's not easy to take that time for yourself without feeling guilty or frustrated with your own need for a minute alone. But make that time. Step outside away from the noise and the rush. Don't just sit on the couch for a few minutes and call it good. Actually get outside the four walls of your home. Clear your head. Don't fill it with more chaos and stress from facebook feeds or a dramatic TV show. Get outside. Feel the air. Breathe the air. Get alone, get silent and clear the clutter of your own mind and heart. Pray. Think. Just breathe. Whatever difficulty you are facing as a mom today, it will pass. But it may pass easier if you take a few minutes to let the wind blow your stresses away from you. Even just for a minute.

My Peyton Spring

Four years ago you made me a momma.

I held you in my arms and we called you "Peyton Spring". You were warm and soft and fuzzy and pink. You were blond and blue eyed and the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. They put a little pink bow in your hair and I fell in love.

You were only hours old and I danced with you in my hospital gown. I was weak and I was sore from the labor of your life, but I was strong from new birth that coursed through me like a pulse. I danced with you and I sang you lullaby after lullaby. It was dark and your daddy slept, crumpled in that chair in the corner. Outside of our room the nurses worked and the women labored and the children were born. But there, in that room, dancing in the moonlight through the hospital window it was only you and me.

You were so small. So tiny and so lovely. So fragile and so very full of life.

Peyton Spring. "Christlike Renewal". The meaning couldn't have fit more perfectly. From the moment your life began, you were renewing me. What you've done in my life, Peyton, it can't be described any other way. You've been a fresh spring breeze and a fountain of life in our home. You've renewed the way I think, the way I feel and the way I love. You've made me softer, quieter, gentler. You've made me laugh more, made me dance more, made me smile more. You've humbled me. You've made me a better person.

You have these laughing blue eyes that sparkle. You have these strong little arms that hug me tight. I love it when you whisper secrets to me and when you proudly show me your paintings or the flower you picked just for me. I love watching you run through the grass, blond curls wildly bouncing and strong legs carrying you to some far off dream. You are passion. You are freedom. You are a freshness and a lightness that is medicine for my soul.

You are my firstborn. You had two younger siblings all before you ever even turned 3, but you took it all in stride. You have been mommy's right hand helper and you are so nurturing and caring. You take time to consider each member of the family and are always aware of so much more than I am. You "translate" your siblings baby speak and you always look out for their needs. You share better than any other preschooler I've ever met and I know it's not just because you've had to. You are sensitive to others and you are loving. You care deeply and you are quick to tell those you love how you feel about them.

You make me want to be young again. To run with you through a field and laugh about grass that tickles our feet. To swing higher, higher, higher. To lay on our backs and look at the sky and identify butterflies and decide which bird is the daddy. To giggle. But you also make me want to be old. To be wise. To be the best mother that has ever lived because I'm yours. You make me want to know everything so I can answer every question. You make me want to understand everything so I can always do right by you. You make me want to be selfless and to always be ready to drop everything and listen to your heart.

You are beautiful, Peyton. I am so thankful that I was given you as a daughter. Your life is my dream come true.

I love you. Always.

The Angry Mommy

I had a day the other day. A day where nothing seemed to go right and it felt like every circumstance in my life was working together against me. It felt like there was some kind of bet going on about how long it would take for me to blow my top.

It was a Sunday. Bryan was working so that meant I was getting 3 kids fed, washed, dressed and off to church alone. It also meant getting 3 kids out of the van, carried across the parking lot and off to their separate Sunday school classes alone. Then it meant collecting 3 kids from 3 different rooms alone. Then it meant loading 3 kids into 3 carseats alone. Then getting them all home amid tears from late naps and late lunch. Then of course, preparing lunch, feeding lunch, breastfeeding one and then getting every one down for naps. Am I being dramatic? I'm sorry. Just trying to relate to you that it's not the easiest task.

Well, on this particular day, I was exhausted. I was so ready for my "me" time.

About an hour into nap time (just enough time for me to get the lunch dishes cleared and get ready to sit down on the couch...) I heard my 2 year old yelling, "Mommy! I POO POO!"

Well she did. All over her bed she did. The 2 year old. The one I'm pretty sure is possibly lactose intolerant because of the incessant diarrhea. (oh sorry, was that too much information?)

So now I'm upset. This 2 year old is potty trained. So why, oh why didn't she call me in here BEFORE she poo'ed?

Now I'm trying to figure out how to clean this mess. The sheets were a loss. I chucked them in the trash bin and didn't look back. The child? I popped her in the shower. It was the next best thing to taking the garden hose to her which didn't seem rational. The 2 year old is crying because she knows she's made me upset even if I'm trying to hide it. The 2 year old's crying wakes up the 10 month old. He starts crying. So now I'm bouncing a 10 month old on my hip as I'm showering a 2 year old covered in poo. I'm also trying to make sure there's no poo on my hands and consequently none now on the 10 month old. As this is happening I hear the puppy making noise in the kitchen. I turn a deaf ear and hope it's nothing too messy. Sweat is forming on my brow and I feel my temperature rising. At this point, my 3 1/2 year old (also was supposed to be napping) bursts into the room. "MOMMY! THE PUPPY IS GETTING INTO THE CEREAL!" I couldn't handle it. It was like those cartoons where someone piles all those books into someone's arms and just keeps piling and piling and then finally the one tiny book placed on top just tips the whole darn thing and it all goes falling everywhere.  I whirled around and (not my finest moment) yelled, "NOT RIGHT NOW PEYTON!!!" The poor doll fled the room in a flurry of tears.

Immediately I knew I had to stop. I had let myself go right out of control along with the circumstances. I had lost my cool.

I knew I had to go love my sweet girl. I took a couple deep breaths. I dried off the 2 year old, kissed her head and put a clean pair of underwear on her. I tucked her in to her sister's bed and gave her a couple of books to read. I shushed the 10 month old and placed him in his pack n play with some toys. I put the puppy in the laundry room. I wiped my brow, and I headed with a humble heart to my bedroom where my 3 1/2 year old had sought refuge from her hurricane mother.

I took the walk down the hall to her room. As I approached her door, I could hear her quietly saying under her breath "I'm going to go out there and I'm going to say I'm sorry to her. I'm just gonna say it!" I hung my head. The darling girl was rehearsing her apology TO ME. After I had yelled at her. When she opened the door with a brave little face, I knelt down to her level. She looked me square in the eyes and said (complete with hand gestures), "Momma, sometimes, sometimes we are very rude. And when we are rude, that just makes me grumpy. So I'm very sorry Mommy, but I don't like rude."

I wrapped her in my arms and I wept. I held her close and said "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry" more times than I could count. I asked her to forgive me and she said yes.

I'm so thankful for my girl. I'm so thankful that she reminds me not to be "rude". I need her in my life. I need her to remind me of my rudeness, my anger, my sin. I need to her to show me that I need to change.

Some people may have thought it was cheeky of her to give me that little speech. But I couldn't be more thankful that she did. I need to be rebuked, and if God wants to use my beautiful blond haired blue eyed daughter as the mouthpiece, then I will take it with a humble heart.

God gave me Peyton because He knew I'd have days like that. He knew that my full house and my 3 kids can get overwhelming. He knew the pressure cooker inside of me would have days that it would burst open. And so He gave me Peyton. He gave me Peyton to call me out. To remind me where the line is and to tell me when I crossed it. Yes, I'm the parent. And yes, I do the parenting in this home. BUT may I never be so proud that I cannot take rebuke or guidance from a 3 year old. Because she was so right.

We mom's struggle with anger.  In a mom's group I'm a part of, 10 women went around a circle and said their biggest struggle as a mom. 8 of those 10 said it was anger. As mom's, our plates get full. And fuller. We get that stack of books piled so high, it's only a matter of seconds before it all tumbles. And our kids? They get the brunt of the fall. We're stressed. We're up half the night nursing so and so and wiping so and so's bottom. We're up changing bed linens or rocking a crying baby. We're not well rested and often we haven't had enough time with Jesus either. We get angry. The stress builds and builds and we explode.

BUT our God, in his GREAT mercy provides a way of escape. For me, it was my little girl reminding me that rudeness makes her grumpy. It was stopping and realizing that it really wasn't the end of the world because of a mess of poo or a fussing baby. It was stopping and acknowledging that the stress of the moment--no matter how great--didn't warrant saying things to my dearest ones that would scar them forever. I had to stop. I had to be reminded. I had to be humbled. I had to be loved. And in the arms of my tiny little gorgeous 3 year old, I felt the forgiving, merciful arms of the Father.

Our Glory Baby

It's with a heavy heart that I write this post.

This past week, we lost our precious fourth child. I was 10 weeks along. I don't have many words right now, and maybe in time I will. But for now, this beautiful song by Watermark has put words to the deepest feelings in my heart that I cannot yet fully express.

Here is what I posted on Facebook: 
Thank you all for being excited with us as we announced our fourth pregnancy. Sadly, our baby has gone to be with Jesus. We will forever love and miss our precious Glory Baby.

"Heaven will hold you before we do. Heaven will keep you safe until we're home with you.... Baby let sweet Jesus hold you until Mom & Dad can hold you... We will miss you every day and we will miss you in every way, but we can't wait for the day when we will see you... I can't imagine Heaven's lullabies and what they must sound like. But I will rest in knowing, Heaven is your home and it's all you'll ever know." (Glory Baby by Watermark)

Pajamas and Rubber Boots

 Life is non stop these days.

My 3 amazing little ones keep me busy... but they also keep me happy. I'm learning to let go. To let go of the housework and embrace the fun.

Tonight, I took the trash cans out to the end of our driveway. Normally, my husband does that. Tonight, though, I did it. Just because I wanted to. I needed some fresh air. I took my just-turned-three year old with me. We traipsed down the drive in our rubber boots and chatted about life. We stomped through a puddle and we giggled at the way the gravel crunched under our soles. We joked about how silly we looked out and about in our jammies, and we stopped to talk about what color the neighbors cars were. We crouched at the edge of a puddle and watched a frog for a good ten minutes. She looked into my eyes and said, "I love you Mommy." just because.

Life may be busy, but I'm trying to keep my heart still. Because these are the moments I'll remember. Walking hand in hand with my little girl in our pj's and our mud boots. Watching a green frog hop through the puddle and listening to the peepers sing their evening song.

Someday, these moments will have passed.

I won't remember how shiny my counter tops were or how organized my kids dresser drawers were. But I will remember that tender expression in her blueberry eyes when she told me how much she loves being with me.

We came inside and I crawled in bed next to her. I watched her eyelids grow heavy and I listened to her breathe.

I want to slow it all down.

I can't believe Peyton is three. When did it happen?

When did my tiny baby learn to talk? To walk? To know her colors? To know what a frog is? She amazes me. She is so understanding. So tender. So fierce.

When I get stressed, exhausted and worn... her little hand will rest on my arm and she'll softly say, "Just relax, Mommy!" She's right, you know. What will happen if I leave dirty dishes for a night? Nothing. What will happen if I instead go and crawl into bed next to my daughter and share secrets and stories until she falls asleep? Amazing things. Closeness. Friendship. Love. Memories.

How I need these reminders!

I never thought I'd need to be reminded to enjoy life.

But life is too short and the days fly by too fast not to live in each moment... fully alive.

12 Days of Sick

12 days. That's how long there has been sickness in our house. It all started when Bryan and I went away for our 4th wedding anniversary in the last weekend of January. We got back after a lovely, romantic, amazing night away (sans kids!) to a phone call that sweet Peyton had spent the night throwing up :( No fun! The poor thing was lethargic all day and I couldn't help but feel guilty that I hadn't been there for my baby during her first ever stomach flu! We spent the week focusing on Peyton's recovery and also bleaching the house in hopes that no one else would get the virus. Late Thursday night Peyton woke up coughing uncontrollably, and still to this day hasn't stopped. She has a terrible cold that keeps her from even being able to sleep well, and her normally loud and precocious little voice has been replaced by a hoarse little squeak :( On Friday evening, Britany started throwing up. My poor little baby! She was so confused about what was going on and wanted momma even more than usual. She was thankfully on the mend by the next morning, but woke up on Monday with the same cough as big sister. Last night I got the flu bug and was up all night with the absolute WORST stomach pains I think I've ever had (besides when I had gall stones, of course!) Being 30 weeks pregnant and sick is a wicked combination. 

So that's why I've been MIA. Caring for a sick family, and now caring for my sick self. My sweet husband (who woke up this morning with the girl's bad cough!) stayed home from work today so that I could recover and I'm so thankful. I can barely stand up straight let alone care for my babies today. I am praying that my body recovers quickly and that our whole family will be back to normal very soon! Please keep us in your prayers, if you think of us. It has been a nasty sick season over here and we're very ready to be well and to get out and enjoy the sunshine that has been pouring over our area these past few days! 

Oh! I wrote a guest post while I was gone for one of my favorite bloggy women! Stay tuned! I'll be sure to link you all up as soon as it's posted :) I'm excited about it... it's about one of my very, very favorite topics! 

Rest, Restore, Recharge, Repair.

My heart is hungry for peace. Not peace as in, lack of panic or fear... peace as in quiet.

Here I sit, with both children asleep in their beds and I'm breathing the silence in deeply. I'm asking it to restore me and recharge me. In minutes I'll get up to start dinner. Clean the mess left behind by the two whirlwinds who are my children and change the laundry from the washer to the dryer. But for this moment, I am resting. I am letting out a deep sigh and embracing the autumn chill in the air and the bright scene of rainbow leaves outside my window.

In this season, when God has been saying so much to me about waiting, I am realizing that part of waiting is also being still. "Be still, and know that I am God." To wait on God also means trusting that in our "not doing anything" He is.

As a mother there are constantly a million thoughts racing through my mind. Is the laundry ready to come out? Did I leave the stove top on after making the kids lunch? Did I just hear the baby wake from her nap? Did I remember to give the kids their vitamins this morning? Was my appointment today or is it next week? Did I remind my husband to pick up milk on the way home? As mothers, it's natural for us to "control" our homes. We are the captains of these ships, and we feel responsible for running them tightly. But yesterday at MOPS an older mama stood up and urged us to take "M-ahhhhh-mmy" moments. To sit and rest for a few minutes to recharge, regroup and repair. In the moments of stillness, we gain strength. It is that way with mothering, and it's that way with life.

God asks us to sit and rest because He designed us to NEED REST. We need to wait. There is a reason God set the example by resting on the seventh day after creating the world. Even the Creator took a rest. "put His feet up" so to speak.

One key to always remember however, is that not all "rest" recharges. Be intentional with your rest. Have you ever gotten up from the couch and still felt weary--sometimes even wearier than when you sat down? Don't confuse resting your body with resting your soul. True, life giving rest comes only from the presence of the Father.

Join me today in resting your soul. In sitting before God--waiting on Him and receiving His rest and recharge.

Setting Goals

I think we all have a pretty good idea of who (or what) we DON'T want to be. But I know that I personally am guilty on not focusing enough on who I DO want to be. It's easy to feel guilty or get down on myself when I'm not the kind of wife and mother I truly desire to be. Last night, I sat down and wrote myself some goals about the type of woman I want to be. I hope that keeping them in the forefront of my heart will motivate me to achieve them. Every single one.


I WANT TO BE A mother WHO:

• is slow to anger
• is always open armed
• is loving
• is full of praise for her children
• is a gentle but firm discipliner
• is a positive example of a joyful spirit
• is a leader and teacher in the ways of salvation & godliness
• is a safe place for my children
• is not thrown off balance by changing seasons

I WANT TO BE A wife WHO:

• has a gentle & quiet spirit
• is always quick to LISTEN, to LOVE & to FORGIVE
• is slow to anger
• is a listening ear
• is a safe place for my husband to let down his guard
• is 100% given to my marriage
• is always ready to love & to be loved
• takes joy & pride in keeping my home to the best of my ability
• is a bright ray of sunshine in my husband’s world
• NEVER speaks badly about my husband to anyone EVER
• is my husband’s biggest cheerleader in EVERY endeavor he pursues

 What are some of your goals for the type of woman (or man) you desire to become?

What My Life is About

As I scroll down my blog page, I notice one very obvious recurring theme. Parenthood. I realize that this blog has become less and less a place of creative outlet, and more and more a place of a journal through parenting.

On one hand, that saddens me, because I miss the days when I could sit at my computer and just allow my thoughts to flow freely, wandering whichever way the "wind" blew them. But on the other hand, I just have to smile. Because this transition makes all-too-perfect sense. This blog has become primarily about parenthood because my life has become primarily about parenthood.

Each day I wake up and I prepare myself and my home for my daughter to wake up. I pray for patience, love and sensitivity to be a good mommy. I clean the house so that my daughter will have space to play. I mix her porridge so that she can be fed at the same moment she realizes she's hungry. I light a candle so that she will always remember our home as a sweet smelling place. I open her toy chest, gather her favorite books in a stack, and ready myself to read the same one 12 times over. My life is about being a mother. Perhaps that daily routine sounds out of this world boring to some of you, but to me, I can only think that I am creating a lifetime of memories for one little girl. And not just any little girl! The little girl who I love and cherish more than any other human being on the face of this planet. My little girl. And someday soon, I will do the same things for her sister.

If my life ends, and all I have to show for it is daughters who know they were loved by their mother, then that will have been enough.

The TERRIBLE? Twos

Bed rest, I have found, is a great opportunity to catch up on that stack of books on your shelf that you've been meaning to read but never find time to....

<<< My mom picked up this book for me recently and I was able to start it today. I have to confess, at 2 weeks shy of 18 months old, I think we're full fledged in the "terrible twos" already!!! Lately Peyton has been exercising her will more and more... her whining has become more frequent, and the tantrums she throws are enough to make me want to scream!

As I settled down to read "Make the Terrible Twos Terrific", I was skeptical at best. Maybe it was the unashamedly outdated appearance of the book, or the obnoxiously optimistic title, or even the mildly disgusting cover photo of a chubby toddlers tongue gaping over an ice cream cone... but for some reason I turned to the Introduction not expecting to keep reading much beyond that.

But I was sucked in. I think it was the humorous way he described his own frightening first encounter with the terrible twos in the form of his son, Eric. I couldn't help myself... I was laughing out loud by the second paragraph. The man described a typical day in my house to a tee. He went on to explain that this stage wouldn't end until some time after the third birthday. That sounds like a life time away. Seriously... that's not until 2012--when (according to the all-knowing Mayans) apparently the end of the world is happening anyway. And then lets not forget that I have another one coming... meaning that when Peyton turns 3, my second daughter will be rounding up to her own 18 month mark... and I'll be beginning the terrible twos yet again.

I quickly developed a really bad headache.

But thankfully, Chapter 1 promised me a little glimmer of hope... in the form of "Understanding". He explained that in the first year and a half of a child's life, we are constantly communicating to them that they are the center of our universe (I know, that's a very NON-Babywise concept, but it's true across the board whether we admit it or not). I love this paragraph where he explains the "Egocentric" phase of life that is the first year.

"The newborn, lacking any other frame of reference, relates all early experience to himself, and himself alone. From his point of view, the world came into being at the moment he opened his eyes; therefore, the act of opening his eyes was the act of creation. It follows, from his point of view, that he reigns over all things, which exist for him and because of him. (Amen)...the infant has a sense of omnipotent self-centeredness. This belief, that he is the source and center of all creation, is the child's first construction of reality. And for the first eighteen or so months of his life, his parents--if they are sensitive to his needs--respond to him as if that belief were true. When he's hungry, he signals to be fed and someone feeds him. When he's alone and wants attention, he yells and someone appears, eager to do his bidding. And on and on it goes....Add to this the fact that as he's being pushed through public places in his stroller, people are constantly approaching and kneeling in front of his portable throne. Given the manner in which he is treated and responded to during his first year and a half, he has every reason to believe he is 'El Magnifico Supremo'.... His psychological stability has come to depend, in other words, upon continued reinforcement/validation of that egocentric premise...." 

Wow, as funny as that paragraph is, the reality is that it's SO TRUE! We communicate moment by moment throughout our child's first year that they are EVERYTHING. And then the author goes on to explain, that around their 18th month, we suddenly begin communicating the exact opposite reality!! Suddenly, we expect them to sit quietly when they want to run around... we expect them to listen to US instead of us listening to THEM. We tell them "NO!" and we deny them things they ask for (i.e. candy....) Suddenly, we no longer run to their every whim, rather we ask them to wait. We suddenly expect them to share when they've always been shown deference. Wow. That's got to be soo confusing!!!

I'm still only in chapter 1, but I wanted to share that little tidbit with all of you. I never thought about the "terrible twos" in that light before. Never had I considered the fact that my daughter is trying to establish her own self-identity and that is why she sometimes outbursts with these tantrums! Never had I thought about how hard it must be to be expected to smoothly transition between being the center of your parents world, to becoming a part of it.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not excusing tantrums. And I'm not presuming a solution, either. That's why I'm going to continue reading beyond chapter 1!! But I'm so excited about what I'm going to go on to learn, because this book has already shown me so much about my daughter, and has already affected my understanding so deeply that I trust the author to continue to educate me as to where I go from here. 

Because it's an older book, you can pick up this book for next to nothing on Amazon.com. You can buy it directly from my blog if you want, by using the link at the top of my post. I strongly encourage you to pick up a copy... and read through this "manual" with me as we brave the terrible terrific twos!

Seasons

The changing of seasons always leads me to start thinking about the season of life I'm in right now. With the first snow flakes falling yesterday, I glanced out the window and began thinking about the changing of seasons in my own life. Of course, the obvious season I'm in right now, is a season of motherhood... and it's a season that will probably last for a few (or many!) years to come. But there's another season that I'm in as well.

It's been less than 2 months since we left the mission field, and I find that my heart is still not sure where to rest in regards to everything that happened. Bryan and I were talking yesterday, and we both realized that we still feel confused about how and why everything happened the way it did. There are still those moments when we feel condemned, lost, confused and unsure. Typically those moments are spurred by someone seeing us in church and saying something like, "Oh wow, I thought you were living in South Africa, what are you doing back?" And then of course, the awkward launching of the explanation... the uncertainty of whether or not they'll understand... and the secret feelings of judgment that you know you shouldn't presume.

This morning I told my mom a little of how I was feeling. She reminded me that God hasn't stopped using me simply because I'm no longer in Africa. She reminded me that there are daily opportunities to shine God's light. There are moments in each day that present themselves with the open door to share a truth that we've been given. There is a mission field in my own home....There is a little girl who climbs up on my lap about four dozen times a day, asking me to read her the same story yet again. There is a man who comes home tired and hungry from work each day, needing a good meal in his belly and clean sheets to lay down in. There is a child in my womb who relies on me for nourishment, breath and a secure place to grow and develop.

I do have purpose. Just sometimes I lose it in the midst of wishing for something more... something "greater". I continually assume that there must be something bigger I should be chasing after... when in reality what I've been given is what I am to be faithful with. And the caring and nurturing of human lives is certainly no small task. My life will change again. And again, and again. That's just the way it goes with the changing of the seasons. But I have a God who is constant, and who will lead me faithfully through each one.

My Beautiful Girl

 

Peyton is LOVING life lately. 

She is getting SO big. She is now 17 months!! One more month and we'll truly be at that year and a half mark!!!

A few of her latest loves:

-Playing outside in the LEAVES! And especially picking up DIRT!

-Coloring on her new super fancy sketch pad from Grandma & Grandpa with her crayons

-Eating raisins out of those cute little cardboard raisin boxes :) 

-Saying "pretty" about her outfit when she gets dressed each day (love this one!)

-Getting things for Mommy when I ask her to (gotta admit, I love this one the most!!!)

-Sorting things

-Playing with other kids (getting ready to be a big sissy!!)

-Going down the big slide at the park (all by herself!!), and swinging on the swings 

I just love my girl! One of the main reasons I haven't been blogging as much lately is because my days are FULL of spending time with this little princess. We go on a lot of outings with Grandma and I am enjoying seeing the world afresh through my baby's eyes. I'm cherishing these last couple of months that I have alone with her before her sweet little sister will join our family. This time is precious to me, so I'm doing my best to treasure each and every second.

Blessed and Undeserving!

I have to say, I feel like one very blessed woman lately.

Tonight as I was putting Peyton to sleep, I looked out the window at our beautiful front yard, and all I could think about was how undeserving I am of all God has given me!

Bryan and I wanted more than anything to "go the distance" for God. We wanted to offer Him our lives and our sacrifice no matter the cost. We crossed the ocean for Him, and we'd do it again. But tonight, as I stood in my home, rocking my daughter to sleep in her cozy room, I began to weep. Because I realize that right now, in this season, God doesn't want me to cross the ocean. He just wants my heart. That's all He's ever really wanted. 

In South Africa, when the support wasn't coming in like we thought it would, we questioned God. We wondered if this was a test of our faith or our stamina. We asked God what He wanted from us, and we expected to hear Him answer in a thunderous clap with an obvious path... we searched for Him in the firestorm--just like Elijah did. But when we were down on our knees pleading with Him for an answer--it came--in a still, small voice. (We can be so thick headed!! We know the character of God, yet we look for Him to act outside of it on a daily basis.) His still small voice whispered one phrase: "A family to glorify Me."

Bryan and I wept when we realized that the deepest desire of our hearts was also what God was asking of us. The desire to raise a godly family that will stand out in a generation of broken homes. God whispered parenthood into our hearts... and now He has made it possible for us to obey Him.

I cried again tonight when I looked around our home and I saw all the things that God has brought to us to make this vision possible. People have given us so much since we've been back, and I see it as God blessing this path that He has sent us on. He is so faithful and true... and He is using His children to pass on His blessings.

And we are so undeserving! I am amazed and astonished at the goodness of God and His provision for us. But beyond that, I am so blessed to be walking forward in a calling that I not only have been commissioned to, but also one that I desire and enjoy with every fiber of my being.

I am so blessed!!!!!!!!!!

Much Love,

Claire

P.S. I was also blessed tonight to read a beautiful post on motherhood by my sweet friend Keri. If you have a few minutes, head over to her blog to read this post. It will re-focus your heart on parenthood, for sure!

Starting Over... Again!

It's always such a process to "start" life in a place. Meeting new people; getting plugged in to new activities; finding the best places to waste a day with the family; checking out new restaurants... it's fun, exciting and exhausting at the same time!

Bryan is still looking for work... keep him in your prayers if you think of us! There is so much competition out there! It seems like everybody is looking for a job right now... but we know that in God's timing we will find the right job for him--with the right salary for our growing family. God always provides!

We some time at the park today after church. It's so much fun to enjoy life through Peyton's eyes. Her fresh perspective and excitement for new things are infectious!

As for our other little girl.............I am in my THIRD TRIMESTER!! Eeek! I can't even believe how quickly this pregnancy has flown by! Before I know it, I'll be a momma of TWO! Crazy! I am thanking God for His many blessings, and knowing that He'll equip me for each new thing He brings my way.

Keep me in your prayers this week... as I still work on getting my feet on the ground. I'm still pretty sick with a flu I've had since we left South Africa... and I feel so behind on so many things... I need grace!

Monday=LOVING MY LIFE!

It’s a Monday morning and the house is peaceful. Bryan is out and about taking care of some things, and Peyton is playing happily with her toys. It’s times like this morning that I sit in the simplicity of my own life and I think about where I’ve been, where I am and who I am. I’m 21 years old, and I’m living the typical life of women much older than myself. I have an almost toddler and a baby on the way… fully settled into my family life. It’s funny to think that most people my age are still in college, partying on the weekends and daydreaming about where they’ll be in 5-10 years. Sometimes I wonder if people my age look at me and pity me.. Think that they wouldn’t want to be stuck at home raising kids and cooking dinner at such a young age… but in reality, I don’t care. I love my life. I love that this is what God has brought me to. I love that I get to shape and mold these two beautiful girls who God has given me. I love that I get to be teammates with a man who I only could have only dreamed about. I love that I get to cook dinner for my husband, listen to his struggles and love him fiercely.

I made my own choice about how I wanted to live my life. I didn’t fall into this life by accident. I made the choice to get married at 18. We chose to get pregnant 7 months later. We were surprised by our second pregnancy, but overjoyed, not disappointed. This life isn’t one I’m resigned to--it’s one I revel in. And I want many, many more children if God will allow. I love being pregnant and feeling life inside of me. I love being a mother and taking pride in the way my daughter can feed herself, or the way she says “hi”! I love being a wife and giving myself to my husband in word, thought and action. I love being a homemaker and setting a hot meal on the table. I love being a friend and sharing life with other young mom’s, laughing and talking about breastfeeding, labor stories, sleep dilemmas, and the best bottle system out there.

So I want to hear it from you. Where did you think you’d be at the age you are now? How is where you are, different from where you thought you’d be? And how is that difference an undeniably good thing?

I hope you all have a wonderful Monday, reveling in the life you lead.

Mommy Christianity

I just posted this quote on my facebook:

"We don't have to be perfect... We are asked only to be real, trusting in His perfection to cover our imperfections, knowing that one day we will finally be all that Christ saved us for and wants us to be." -Gigi Graham Tchvidijan

I have to admit, I don't feel very perfect lately. There are so many things I wish I could do differently, or seasons in my life I wish I could re-live with the clarity of hindsight. There are answers I wish I had to questions that I have, and there are so often those times that I wish I could sit God down with a cup of coffee and have Him just tell me straight how it is and what He wants from me. 

It says in Isaiah that no matter which way we go, we will hear a voice saying, "This is the way, walk in it" But it is so often so hard to hear that voice... and hard to distinguish it from the other voices in our lives. Daily I have to rest in the fact, that my God is gracious, that He knows my humanity, and that He compensates for it. I have a mediator between myself and the Almighty God and it is Someone who loved me enough to lay down everything for me. Surely a Man who loves me with that kind of intensity also loves me enough to forgive my imperfection. 

I know it's true. But it doesn't make it any easier to look in the mirror and see my mistakes. Maybe it should, but it doesn't. 

Since I've become a mother, I don't have the kind of time that I used to have sitting at His feet and pouring over His word. I don't have the hours to do a full exegesis on a passage before I study it, and I don't have the luxury of an undisturbed prayer closet. But I always remember something that my friend's husband said to her one day as he was leaving for work. She has 3 (now 4 as of last week!) small children, and her husband works as the director of a large ministry. He told her that he envies her, because she doesn't have to intentionally put things in her path to mold her more to the likeness of Christ, rather she has situations that are part of her everyday life that are constantly making her more Christlike through selflessness and leadership. When she told me that story, I realized that it's true. 

Even though I don't have the time I used to to spend in the Word, I do have a little person that relies on me for everything. I have opportunity each second of each day to show Christ to her in my selflessness. God is molding me, even though I don't feel it, and even though I envy those people who have hours in the presence of God. It is still a process in learning to hear the voice of God in different ways. To learn to incorporate reading His word into my day... whether by reading Peyton a passage of Scripture instead of a storybook at nighttime. Or by saying her goodnight prayers with her with sincerity of heart. Or by taking the time that I spend bathing her to memorize a verse or two. 

I called this post "Mommy Christianity" because it's an adjustment. It's a change from the way I've walked in Christianity in times past. Finding God's will is a different process, because my life is a different process. But it's a process just the same, and let me be the first to tell you....................................... I'm still learning.

LIFE...the mundane and the miraculous.

I promised myself I would make a concentrated effort to post more regularly. So here I am. Life here is still a daily roller coaster of excitement/homesickness. I guess a see-saw would be a great illustration (lol) but I'm still taking it a day at a time.

Baby #2 is growing very healthily. I am officially huge. Can't believe how quickly it happened this time around! It seems like every day I'm bigger.... I know I've said that before... but I really am dumbfounded at my rapidly growing profile. I'm just beginning to feel her kicks and flutters. Never ceases to amaze and confound me. I love the comforting feeling of the thriving little life inside my womb. Serves as a reminder that there is a very big God in Heaven who is capable of so much more than I.

This isn't my baby... I do have an ultrasound picture, but I can't share it with you because I don't have access to a scanner here. But this is the basic gist of what she looks like this week. Amazing, isn't it? Can you believe she only weighs between 2-3 ounces, and is only like 3 inches long... but still looks that much like a real baby????? Incredible.

I don't know how any woman could experience the miracle of pregnancy and not be a wholehearted believer in the absolute, unquestionable sanctity of life.

Alright, well the other life I helped bring into this world is awake from her nap, so I must be off ;) Much love to you all, and I really will make a wholehearted attempt at posting more consistently.

Hope you all had a Happy Fourth!!! We missed America on our favorite holiday!!! I grilled some burgers and mixed up some homemade lemonade in honor of the day ;)

Lighting Up

Tonight Bryan and I made a trip to Walmart. There are so many things we need before our big trip (which, no we haven't gotten our visas back yet, but with only a week left we are moving forward as though we will be able to go in faith the visas WILL come! AMEN!!! :)

We headed to the register with our cart full of random stuff... our cashier looked about mid-30s... super smiley and happy! She immediately made conversation with me... asking me all about my purchases, my night, Peyton, etc. We launched into this 15 minute chat about her son and his girlfriend, our trip to South Africa, and collagen mascara (of all things! ha!) We walked away with GENUINE well-wishes to have a nice night... with big beaming smiles meant to say that we both enjoyed each other's conversation.

As I walked away from her lane... Bryan and I talked about how wonderful it is when human beings acknowledge each other... lol you know what I mean? Like most of the time when you go to Walmart and check out, the cashier scans your items as quickly as possible, tells you what you owe, and then maybe throws a very half-hearted "have a nice day" your way. But other than that, you have no relationship with the face on the other side of the cash register.

Tonight, after I left Walmart, I literally couldn't stop smiling. Simply because that woman, a complete stranger, had taken a few minutes of her time to make conversation with me.

Humans were created for relationships.

I have been thinking so much about this lately... because since we've only lived in Arizona for a couple months, and since I've known that we would be leaving soon, I never made any friends here. Of course, there are people at church who I smile at... and the neighbor down the street who I wave to... but I don't have friends here. And because of that, I feel STARVED.. it might sound funny, but it's SO true! When someone in the mall or Walmart talks to me... I pounce on them! I'm so hungry for relationship! (whew, am I sounding creeper?) I went to Charlotte Russe the other day (shout-out to my favorite clothing shop!!!) and the sales girl who greeted me when I came in was soooooooo sweet. First of all she was the cutest little petite thing with long wild hair and the most adorable bohemian style... complete with gold accessories and gladiator sandals,... love love.... Second of all... she was the kind of girl who after talking to her for 5 minutes, you literally feel like you've known her your ENTIRE life and you honestly feel like you could share a secret with her. She's that personable. She immediately started asking me what I was shopping for, and started recommending different items to me... We stood talking for a few minutes... and I have to admit to you... I was THIS close to asking her what she was doing for lunch. I seriously have been THAT relationship starved these past couple months that I wanted to go for salads with the chick from Charlotte Russe who I JUST met!!! 

What can I say, I'm a relational girl. I love to surround myself with friends. And being here in Arizona... it's just been so hard. Bryan's been working 2 jobs... and we sold our second car (to get ready for the mission field) so I'm in the apartment all day with Peyton. It's been hard. I can't lie to you and say that it's been this amazing experience, because it hasn't. It's been so hard. 

I'm excited to go to South Africa and see what relationships God has in store for me there. I'm so ready. I'm so ready to get involved in a friend's life again and be able to pour out and be poured into in relationship! And to have my sister, Leigh nearby will be SUCH a huge blessing. I know that this has been a season of preparation and of waiting... and honestly... as I think about it.. before this I was a mentor at Bethany College of Missions and my FULL TIME JOB was relationships. Mentoring girls and setting an example to the student body... I was also working part time waitressing... dealing with all kinds of people... maybe God knew I needed a break from relationships... so that I could re-fuel and head to South Africa with this passionate drive to dive into godly relationships. Funny how hindsight is 20/20.

Please continue to pray that our visas will come through. The originals are still lost in the mail, but we were able to send a second application with copied documents. Read more about all of that (if you're interested) HERE

Peace that Passes

Hey Everyone!
Still no word on our visas... but to be honest... I feel totally at peace! I have no idea why, other than that JESUS IS AMAZING and HE keeps us grounded no matter what! How awesome is it, that our hearts and minds are GUARDED by a peace that passes understanding? As joint-heirs with Christ we are beyond blessed.
I'm simply enjoying my family and our time together. I'm cherishing the moments of having Peyton as an only child (for the next 7 months!) and I'm basking in the presence of the Lord because that is where I find my peace.
I know that in 12 days, we will have an answer. We will either be on that plane, or we won't. But God is in control and wherever we are, we will be trusting Him for our lives.
For now I'm enjoying the little things. Here are a few of those "little things" for you to enjoy as well ;)

The growing miracle of life inside my womb. (and wow, I'm really showing quicker this time around!) 

Enjoying popsicles on a hot summer day with my darling daughter :P

My handsome, hardworking man who treats me like a princess no matter what. (quick explaination... the only reason there are goats behind him--lol--is because we were at a petting zoo that day!)

Seeing this beautiful smile each morning, and hearing her squeal in delight when I come in her room to wake her up... and especially when she reaches those darling arms up to me... begging me to smother her in a warm embrace!

There are too many blessings in my life for me to count. And the peace that passes understanding has gifted me with a smile on my face even when faced with uncertainties.