Learning (hard!) Lessons

This past week has been hard. But hard in a good way… if you know what I mean.

I’ve been struggling with homesickness quite a lot lately. And unfortunately, it has affected my entire outlook on life here.

My sister made a comment to me last week that really hit home. She mentioned that she feels as though I’m constantly pining for back home… and it makes her feel like I’m not happy to be here. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I realized that I have had a complaining spirit for the last couple of weeks since I’ve been here. I have been missing home, and I’ve also been focusing on the negatives of life here… instead of the blessing we’ve experienced since being here.

I realized though, that this isn’t just something that applies to being here in South Africa… rather, this negativity is something that I’ve struggled with my whole life. I’ve always wrestled with a “grass is always greener” mentality. As I look back through my life, I can see so many times where I wasn’t happy somewhere, but instead convinced I would be happier elsewhere. When I allow myself to walk in that negative mindset, I miss out on my own life.

When I left my sister’s house after she made that comment, I was launched into a time of self-examination. I went to bed that night, praying that God would do a work in me and that He would reveal to me the core issue so that I could deal with this ongoing problem in my outlook. He confronted hardcore the next morning with a parallel in my daily life that couldn’t have been more dead-on. There are times when my husband approaches me to “be romantic” (want to be sensitive in how I word this) and in my mind, it couldn’t be a more inconvenient time. It’s a time when I have a million reasons for why it’s just not a good time… the baby is about to wake up, I have food on the stove, I’m exhausted from running after a 1 year old and being pregnant… you name it, I have the reasons. But, thinking in my mind that I want to be a dutiful wife, I accept… but only in body. My heart and mind are elsewhere. I perform the act in order to fulfill my duty as wife… but my heart isn’t in it. This happened that morning…

A little later that day… I heard God remind me of what had happened with Bryan that morning. I heard Him say loud and clear, that that is exactly what I have done with Him. I have acted dutifully toward God. I have obeyed Him in body by leaving country and friends and family and coming here to South Africa, but my heart is elsewhere. But God “doesn’t want our burnt offerings, He wants us to know Him. He doesn’t want our sacrifices, He wants us to love Him.” (Hosea 6:6) God wants my heart, more than He wants my acts of service… just as Bryan wants my love more than he wants my begrudging fulfillment of a wifely duty. I went to Bryan and apologized and confessed my sin to him. I told him that in future, when I feel it is an “inconvenient” time… I will tell him I need a few minutes to get my heart and mind right and when I’m ready I will love him with every fiber of my being… I said the same to God. I got down on my knees and confessed my sin and I asked him for another chance… a chance to be here with everything I am.

I don’t want to be looking back one day on my time here in South Africa, and see days of negativity, selfish pouting and homesickness… I want to see productivity, love and LIFE.. a life that I LIVED and didn’t let pass me by.

My sister told me this morning that she has already seen a change in my attitude. That was so encouraging because I do feel that a change has taken place. But not a change that I have made… but a change that I know God has made in me. I am praying that He will continue to implement that change daily.

In the meantime, I am waking with the sunrise, and looking out over my new world with excitement and hope for what each day holds. Knowing that even if my day only consists of housework and caring for my child, that I can still please God and bring Him glory in that act.

My sister and I have plans for the young mom’s group in the works. There are 3-4 girls whose names have been given to us that live in Khayelitsha. They are between the ages of 16-18 and they all have babies. We are planning on meeting the girls next week some time and setting up when would be best for them to have our first study. We are planning for once a month at first, but we may change that eventually. I am so excited to know that there are girls who need our encouragement and support! Leigh and I can’t wait to lay out our vision for this group and to begin brainstorming topics to teach on and discuss.

ON A TOTALLY NEW NOTE………..

We had our ultrasound, and we are expecting ANOTHER BABY GIRL! We are so excited!!! Now my search for a midwife has begun!!! I’m excited to find someone and begin a relationship with the woman who will help deliver my daughter! Please pray for me in this process! I’ve chosen to go with a midwife this time around because OB-GYN’s in South Africa have a 95% C-Section rate (=NOT GOOD!)

Now we’re just praying about what we will name our new princess ;)

By the way, welcome to all my new followers! I’ve noticed a few of you who are new around here! Thank you so much for joining and I hope my stories about my life are encouraging to you! I look forward to reading your stories as I find the time.  I welcome comments always! I love to know  and “meet” who’s hanging out and reading about my life!

Oooo exciting fact… my sister and her husband have decided to spend a little extra and get high speed internet (a rarity here in South Africa!)… but they do video updates for their supporters so it’s totally worth it for their ministry. The great thing is that Bryan and I will get to use it when we are over there! So you can look forward to a few more frequent blogs from me!

Oooohhhhhhhhh and one more thing… please pray for my computer. Another missionary here tried to help me conserve internet time by turning off my automatic updates on my laptop… and she must have accidentally done something wrong because my computer won’t boot up now. It’s very hard because they don’t have Best Buy’s here or anything like that where I can just take it in and get it fixed… so I’m praying I’ll meet a nice Techie type person here who can help me out… VERY FRUSTRATING! Please pray. It’s hard not having my laptop and having to borrow Bryan’s all the time. Plus it’s just an expensive item that can’t just be replaced.

Okay… I’ve probably lost half of you by now!!!! Be Blessed!!!

Lighting Up

Tonight Bryan and I made a trip to Walmart. There are so many things we need before our big trip (which, no we haven't gotten our visas back yet, but with only a week left we are moving forward as though we will be able to go in faith the visas WILL come! AMEN!!! :)

We headed to the register with our cart full of random stuff... our cashier looked about mid-30s... super smiley and happy! She immediately made conversation with me... asking me all about my purchases, my night, Peyton, etc. We launched into this 15 minute chat about her son and his girlfriend, our trip to South Africa, and collagen mascara (of all things! ha!) We walked away with GENUINE well-wishes to have a nice night... with big beaming smiles meant to say that we both enjoyed each other's conversation.

As I walked away from her lane... Bryan and I talked about how wonderful it is when human beings acknowledge each other... lol you know what I mean? Like most of the time when you go to Walmart and check out, the cashier scans your items as quickly as possible, tells you what you owe, and then maybe throws a very half-hearted "have a nice day" your way. But other than that, you have no relationship with the face on the other side of the cash register.

Tonight, after I left Walmart, I literally couldn't stop smiling. Simply because that woman, a complete stranger, had taken a few minutes of her time to make conversation with me.

Humans were created for relationships.

I have been thinking so much about this lately... because since we've only lived in Arizona for a couple months, and since I've known that we would be leaving soon, I never made any friends here. Of course, there are people at church who I smile at... and the neighbor down the street who I wave to... but I don't have friends here. And because of that, I feel STARVED.. it might sound funny, but it's SO true! When someone in the mall or Walmart talks to me... I pounce on them! I'm so hungry for relationship! (whew, am I sounding creeper?) I went to Charlotte Russe the other day (shout-out to my favorite clothing shop!!!) and the sales girl who greeted me when I came in was soooooooo sweet. First of all she was the cutest little petite thing with long wild hair and the most adorable bohemian style... complete with gold accessories and gladiator sandals,... love love.... Second of all... she was the kind of girl who after talking to her for 5 minutes, you literally feel like you've known her your ENTIRE life and you honestly feel like you could share a secret with her. She's that personable. She immediately started asking me what I was shopping for, and started recommending different items to me... We stood talking for a few minutes... and I have to admit to you... I was THIS close to asking her what she was doing for lunch. I seriously have been THAT relationship starved these past couple months that I wanted to go for salads with the chick from Charlotte Russe who I JUST met!!! 

What can I say, I'm a relational girl. I love to surround myself with friends. And being here in Arizona... it's just been so hard. Bryan's been working 2 jobs... and we sold our second car (to get ready for the mission field) so I'm in the apartment all day with Peyton. It's been hard. I can't lie to you and say that it's been this amazing experience, because it hasn't. It's been so hard. 

I'm excited to go to South Africa and see what relationships God has in store for me there. I'm so ready. I'm so ready to get involved in a friend's life again and be able to pour out and be poured into in relationship! And to have my sister, Leigh nearby will be SUCH a huge blessing. I know that this has been a season of preparation and of waiting... and honestly... as I think about it.. before this I was a mentor at Bethany College of Missions and my FULL TIME JOB was relationships. Mentoring girls and setting an example to the student body... I was also working part time waitressing... dealing with all kinds of people... maybe God knew I needed a break from relationships... so that I could re-fuel and head to South Africa with this passionate drive to dive into godly relationships. Funny how hindsight is 20/20.

Please continue to pray that our visas will come through. The originals are still lost in the mail, but we were able to send a second application with copied documents. Read more about all of that (if you're interested) HERE

Quick Update from the Road

Hey all! I don't have much time to post, but I just wanted to let you all know how things are going thus far... We had a safe trip here to my sister's house in Ohio. We are staying with them for a few days before hitting the road again. Peyton did great in the car ride, but we were all VERY ready to be done.

We made a decision for Bryan to continue the road trip from here (Ohio) on Wednesday, and for me and Peyton to stay here a few days and then fly out to meet him on Friday. As much as we were looking forward to our road trip adventure, we realized that it wasn't fair to little Peyton. Riding in a car seat in the back of a packed car is hardly what I would consider fun! She can't enjoy the crossing of each new state line, getting cappucino at a gas station, taking crazy pictures all over the U.S., etc. She only sits there with her toys getting bored and sore!!!!

It will be nice to have a few days with my sister and her sweet baby. I'm sure many pictures will be coming your way in the next few days ;)

For now, we're headed out to go bowling with my sissy and her husband! Just wanted to let you all know we were safe... and what our plans our for the next leg of this LONG trip :) Much love to you all!

Wordless Wednesday

My Siblings

I love you, my siblings.

You've always been there, through every moment. And you've always understood.

You both have a way of making me laugh, even when my eyes are full of tears.

No matter where we go in life, the same blood runs in our veins.  

 We will always be family.

You are the ones to whom I can speak volumes without uttering a single word.

You are the ones who know everything about me...

...and still love me completely.

 

No matter how life changes us, or how distant we become...

...nothing can change the years we spent together...

...being molded.

...being shaped.

We in turn have shaped each other. Consequently, I wouldn't be who I am without either of you.

The three of us are family. Nothing can change that. We love each other in a way that no one else ever can. Though we move on and find new families, families of our own making...

...nothing can erase the one family we didn't choose. The family we were given. The family we needed.

To Colin, my "boetje",

You were always my hero. My role model.

Everything you did defined cool for me. I only wanted to be like you; to find approval in your eyes.

Only now as I've grown, do I truly appreciate the role you played in my life.

As I look back on my life, you were always there. 

Always cheering me on.

Always a hand on my shoulder, making sure I was okay.

Almost a decade separates us, but in you I found more than a sibling.

I found a protector, a friend, a comrade. 

I found a counselor, a teacher, my big brother.

 Leigh, I've told you a million times, you were my rock.

You were my safe place.

You were always there... my best friend who never had to go home.

We did everything together. We lived together, grew together, and left together.

I miss you everyday, but I love where life has brought us both.

Thank you for being there for me always.

And now, in the biggest life change we've ever made,

I'll have you right there by my side.

My rock. My hand to hold. My fearless leader. My big sister.

I wouldn't be who I am without you.

I love you forever, don't ever forget.

Norah Grace Myers

My new niece was born yesterday!!! Norah Grace Myers was born at 6:21pm on September 24th. She's perfect! 8lbs 6oz and 21 inches long! She has a full head of gorgeous dark hair and is absolutely beautiful! I am so proud of Leigh! She did great! Here's a picture... Isn't she just lovely?


I just can't wait for Peyton and Norah to meet! Since we're going to South Africa, they'll more than likely end up being much more like sisters than cousins. I am so thrilled that my darling niece is here! I just can't wait to hold her and love her! She is EXQUISITE! She has the most beautiful mouth! She is definitely the SECOND most beautiful baby I have ever seen! (Peyton being the most of course!!! ;)

I am so happy to announce her birth to all of you!

On another note, something which probably belongs in it's own post, but why waste the space?
I started writing a Mother's Journal tonight for Peyton. It's basically a book of letters and keepsakes from me to her. I want her to be able to have it for years to come and to be able to look back and see how very much I love her.

I haven't decided yet when I will give it to her. Maybe her 16th birthday? Maybe when she leaves for college? Maybe when she gets married? Not sure yet. But hopefully I'll keep up with it, because I think it will be a great treasure if I do. What do you think? Fun idea? Now I just have to make sure I keep up with it!!