Every Breath

Every day living can suck the life right out of you sometimes. 

Somewhere in the middle of pouring cereal, sweeping floors and wiping little noses I can forget to be alive... 

My mantra used to be the quote from the Last Samurai , "To know life in every breath". Hmm. That was back before I had kids. Before life was getting up out of bed and being thrown straight into a multi tasking frenzy. You know, back when I actually had a few minutes to sit alone (uninterrupted) and think. 

These past weeks, I've felt that quote being whispered right back into my soul. "To know life...." to KNOW it. Not to just exist it. To KNOW it. To understand it. To experience it. To LIVE it. "...in every breath." Not just in moments or isolated instances... but in EVERY SINGLE BREATH. What would that be like? Like a free fall from an airplane? Like running through the tall grass, barefoot with the sun on my face? Like riding my horse as a little girl, wind blowing through my hair and powerful hoofbeats carrying me anywhere? Like that moment when I pushed each of my three babies into this world, screaming and strong with power and LIFE... beautiful LIFE beginning--emerging from me? What would it be like if I lived each moment in the spirit of those FULLY ALIVE moments? 

"Without vision the people perish." (Proverbs 29:18)

Without a vision... without a reason for life... without a purpose... I perish. I falter. I lose my way. I lose hope. 

I've been reminded that I need to re-cast vision. I was really good at vision years ago. Before the kids. Before the laundry. Before the cooking and the cleaning and the tantrums and the stretch marks. I was full of motivation. Full of hope. Full of LIFE. 

What parts of me have I simply let die? 

Without vision, [I] perish. 

My husband and I are reading the New Testament together. We are reading it out loud to one another and its words are saturating my soul. When my husband reads especially, I am opening my pores to it and allowing him to wash me with the Word, as he should. I am allowing the God breathed words to breathe life back into my spirit. I am opening my mind and my heart to new VISIONS.

I remember standing in the sanctuary at our church in Vermont. I was broken, empty and lost. We had just gotten back from the mission field, defeated and (failed).  I felt so shallow. I felt laid out on the cold earth needing something from God. I needed Him to speak to me. I needed Him to shape me and tell me that I was still useful. I felt sure I wasn't. Our pastor's wife stood up on the stage and she spoke in clear strong terms. I closed my eyes and I felt goose bumps. I was about to hear. I can still remember her words clear as a bell. I hear her inflection, her tone, and her strength as she spoke them. "There are dreams that you have lost that WILL be returned to you." I crumpled. When we left the mission field, I felt like all my vision and all my dreaming was wrong. I felt like nothing I'd believed about my purpose was real. I felt I'd been dumped by God. I felt useless, worthless and less than. And in that one sentence, I felt God say, "I still have dreams for you." 

Don't ever lose your vision. Chase it. Redeem it. LIVE it.

Pajamas and Rubber Boots

 Life is non stop these days.

My 3 amazing little ones keep me busy... but they also keep me happy. I'm learning to let go. To let go of the housework and embrace the fun.

Tonight, I took the trash cans out to the end of our driveway. Normally, my husband does that. Tonight, though, I did it. Just because I wanted to. I needed some fresh air. I took my just-turned-three year old with me. We traipsed down the drive in our rubber boots and chatted about life. We stomped through a puddle and we giggled at the way the gravel crunched under our soles. We joked about how silly we looked out and about in our jammies, and we stopped to talk about what color the neighbors cars were. We crouched at the edge of a puddle and watched a frog for a good ten minutes. She looked into my eyes and said, "I love you Mommy." just because.

Life may be busy, but I'm trying to keep my heart still. Because these are the moments I'll remember. Walking hand in hand with my little girl in our pj's and our mud boots. Watching a green frog hop through the puddle and listening to the peepers sing their evening song.

Someday, these moments will have passed.

I won't remember how shiny my counter tops were or how organized my kids dresser drawers were. But I will remember that tender expression in her blueberry eyes when she told me how much she loves being with me.

We came inside and I crawled in bed next to her. I watched her eyelids grow heavy and I listened to her breathe.

I want to slow it all down.

I can't believe Peyton is three. When did it happen?

When did my tiny baby learn to talk? To walk? To know her colors? To know what a frog is? She amazes me. She is so understanding. So tender. So fierce.

When I get stressed, exhausted and worn... her little hand will rest on my arm and she'll softly say, "Just relax, Mommy!" She's right, you know. What will happen if I leave dirty dishes for a night? Nothing. What will happen if I instead go and crawl into bed next to my daughter and share secrets and stories until she falls asleep? Amazing things. Closeness. Friendship. Love. Memories.

How I need these reminders!

I never thought I'd need to be reminded to enjoy life.

But life is too short and the days fly by too fast not to live in each moment... fully alive.

Life Lately

I guess it's been a while, huh?

Life with 3 under 3 is a whirlwind to say the least! Most days I barely have time to make it to the bathroom, let alone write a blog post! And I usually love to put time and thought into my posts... but I have this feeling, that if I'm going to be posting at all, I'm going to need to become okay with posting on the fly ;)

Hunter is doing really well. He's growing bigger and bigger every day! His big sisters adore him and all our hearts are full to overflowing!

In all honesty, I do feel like the transition from 2 to 3 has actually been harder than it was going from 1 to 2... and that was hard! Maybe it's just the age difference between Britany and Hunter, but it feels really difficult to juggle all 3 of them. God is giving me grace, and I know we'll get the hang of it, but for now there's lots of racing around and definitely lots of messes.

Peyton is getting ready to turn 3 at the end of this month! I can hardly believe it! She loves learning and knows 5 full passages of Scripture that she quotes every night. She also loves talking about shapes and colors, and identifying letters and numbers. She's gotten really good also at identifying the different types of birds we see out our window! She knows robins, blue jays, tufted titmouses, chickadees, woodpeckers and sparrows. She is learning to draw her letters and loves to draw pictures of people and animals. She loves painting, playing with "moon dough" and racing around the house with Daddy :)

Britany will be 17 months on the 7th of May! She's such a sweetheart. She started walking late, but now she's practically running all over the place! She LOVES climbing on everything and gets so excited when we go to the playground. She loves to dive down the slides headfirst, which is a little scary :) But it's fun to see how passionate she is about enjoying life! She loves to eat and will loudly give her opinion of whatever she's having :) She really enjoys playing with her siblings, and particularly adores Hunter right now. He's definitely a novelty for her. She gently caresses his cheek with hers and loves to give kisses. She's very affectionate and loving. She can hold her own though and won't be bossed around by big sister! Her favorite time of day is bathtime! And she's learning her body parts. She's starting to form words and says "bird" the most. She also can say "done", "bath", "momma", "dadda" and "gate" (which means Peyton!)

Hunter will be 2 months old next week. Wow. Time has flown by! He just started batting at his toys today!!! He has great strength in his neck/head and he LOVES to have tummy time. He looks deeply into our eyes when we hold him. His thick gorgeous blond hair is starting to curl slightly at the ends. He is a great, quick eater and loves it when his big sisters burp him :) He really loves it when we put his swing or bouncy chair in the sunshine so he can sunbathe. He quiets right down when riding in the hotsling or Moby, and he loves to be wrapped tight in a warm blanket. He takes 2 long naps during the day and then little catnaps throughout the rest of the day. He usually has his first nighttime feeding at 2am after a few cluster feeds in the late evening. He's finally beginning to put on a little bit of pudge! Such a cutie.

All in all, life is busy but wonderful.

Hopefully I'll be back with a better post soon, but for now, I wanted to jot down a few things I know I won't want to forget when this season is over :) It sure is going quickly.

12 Days of Sick

12 days. That's how long there has been sickness in our house. It all started when Bryan and I went away for our 4th wedding anniversary in the last weekend of January. We got back after a lovely, romantic, amazing night away (sans kids!) to a phone call that sweet Peyton had spent the night throwing up :( No fun! The poor thing was lethargic all day and I couldn't help but feel guilty that I hadn't been there for my baby during her first ever stomach flu! We spent the week focusing on Peyton's recovery and also bleaching the house in hopes that no one else would get the virus. Late Thursday night Peyton woke up coughing uncontrollably, and still to this day hasn't stopped. She has a terrible cold that keeps her from even being able to sleep well, and her normally loud and precocious little voice has been replaced by a hoarse little squeak :( On Friday evening, Britany started throwing up. My poor little baby! She was so confused about what was going on and wanted momma even more than usual. She was thankfully on the mend by the next morning, but woke up on Monday with the same cough as big sister. Last night I got the flu bug and was up all night with the absolute WORST stomach pains I think I've ever had (besides when I had gall stones, of course!) Being 30 weeks pregnant and sick is a wicked combination. 

So that's why I've been MIA. Caring for a sick family, and now caring for my sick self. My sweet husband (who woke up this morning with the girl's bad cough!) stayed home from work today so that I could recover and I'm so thankful. I can barely stand up straight let alone care for my babies today. I am praying that my body recovers quickly and that our whole family will be back to normal very soon! Please keep us in your prayers, if you think of us. It has been a nasty sick season over here and we're very ready to be well and to get out and enjoy the sunshine that has been pouring over our area these past few days! 

Oh! I wrote a guest post while I was gone for one of my favorite bloggy women! Stay tuned! I'll be sure to link you all up as soon as it's posted :) I'm excited about it... it's about one of my very, very favorite topics! 

Rest, Restore, Recharge, Repair.

My heart is hungry for peace. Not peace as in, lack of panic or fear... peace as in quiet.

Here I sit, with both children asleep in their beds and I'm breathing the silence in deeply. I'm asking it to restore me and recharge me. In minutes I'll get up to start dinner. Clean the mess left behind by the two whirlwinds who are my children and change the laundry from the washer to the dryer. But for this moment, I am resting. I am letting out a deep sigh and embracing the autumn chill in the air and the bright scene of rainbow leaves outside my window.

In this season, when God has been saying so much to me about waiting, I am realizing that part of waiting is also being still. "Be still, and know that I am God." To wait on God also means trusting that in our "not doing anything" He is.

As a mother there are constantly a million thoughts racing through my mind. Is the laundry ready to come out? Did I leave the stove top on after making the kids lunch? Did I just hear the baby wake from her nap? Did I remember to give the kids their vitamins this morning? Was my appointment today or is it next week? Did I remind my husband to pick up milk on the way home? As mothers, it's natural for us to "control" our homes. We are the captains of these ships, and we feel responsible for running them tightly. But yesterday at MOPS an older mama stood up and urged us to take "M-ahhhhh-mmy" moments. To sit and rest for a few minutes to recharge, regroup and repair. In the moments of stillness, we gain strength. It is that way with mothering, and it's that way with life.

God asks us to sit and rest because He designed us to NEED REST. We need to wait. There is a reason God set the example by resting on the seventh day after creating the world. Even the Creator took a rest. "put His feet up" so to speak.

One key to always remember however, is that not all "rest" recharges. Be intentional with your rest. Have you ever gotten up from the couch and still felt weary--sometimes even wearier than when you sat down? Don't confuse resting your body with resting your soul. True, life giving rest comes only from the presence of the Father.

Join me today in resting your soul. In sitting before God--waiting on Him and receiving His rest and recharge.

Doctor's Appointments

Today I got up bright and early to get the kids ready to head out the door for doctor's appointments! Now that we live a little further out from our doctor's offices, I decided to book us full for one day! It should be quite the day, but I'm thankful I've got my mom to help! I truly am blessed to have her living so near by so that she can help on busy days like these.

I'll update you all after these appointments are over :) I feel like after such a long time of not blogging as frequently, there's a lot to share with you all!

Ohhh, and in home news, there is a large dresser sitting on a sheet of plastic in my entry way just begging me to refinish it! Hubby and I picked it up for free on the side of the road and it really is a beautiful dresser! Some new knobs and a nice fresh coat of paint and I think it will make the perfect accent piece for our entry. Jury is still out on the color..... But I better pick soon because it's begging for new life!

My happy firstborn picking apples at the orchard this past weekend!
(haha doesn't she look hilarious in those  sunglasses?!)

It's so cold here lately (welcome to New England fall!) but the sun is shining this morning so I can't complain. Pair that with the fact that I get to break out the flats and a cute blazer today, and I'm a happy (though chilly) girl!!!

Alright, I'm off to our appointments! Enjoy your Monday, all!