2015 {The Year of Expedition}

This post has been growing in my heart for months. But I sit here grateful to be sharing it now. No, the words you'll read here are not tied up with a red ribbon--concise, succinct and neatly ordered. But I'm thankful for what they represent.

It's July. Blue sky, warm sun, tall grass, full leaves, bare feet. It's a bit late in the year to be talking New Year's resolutions, but here we are.

This past January, as I do every year--I asked God for one word. One word that would predict my coming year. One word to be my motto, my credo, my vision. This year I heard that word so clearly, it stopped me where I stood:

"Expedition"

It was during an icy walk down that dirt road. The sun was shining warmly that morning--but not warm enough to stop the Minnesota cold from tearing right through you. I warmed my hands, looked up at the sky, and heard him say, "Beloved. This year I will expedite dreams and visions in your life that have laid dormant for years. I will call out what has remained silent and I will bring forth what has long been hidden from sight." 

I walked home with a renewed sense of hope. An increased sense of wonder. I had no idea what things God would expedite, but I was ready and I was waiting to find out.

I didn't have to wait long for the first dream to come to pass.

The same day that I took that walk, I received an email from an editor of publishing company. It was a proposition for me to write 100 entries in a 365 day devotional. I would be published, just as I had dreamt for decades. I had begun preparing a folder of writing long ago that I wanted to submit to magazines, online journals and publishing companies. I had told myself that one day, someday, when the kids were older I would pursue my lifelong dream of writing. And one day I'd get a paycheck for it. This dream, that I believed wouldn't happen until I was far more advanced in years, once I had worked tirelessly to be heard, after an assumed pile of rejections letters, and was already in a very different life circumstance-- that dream, the dream I was scared to speak out loud because it felt too big and too impossible, fell into my lap on a January day when I was 25.

I was stunned. I sat down at my desk and I cried. I wept. And I prayed. I asked God to speak through me and touch the hearts of the women who months from now would read my words from a hardcover book in their own hands.

Tears rolled down my cheeks many times as I spent hours upon hours typing and backspacing and typing and reading my own words out loud again and again.

Receiving that paycheck was the most rewarding moment of my life. Knowing that I had been recognized, hired, and compensated based on my own deepest passion was unmatched--except perhaps by the feeling of holding that first printed copy in my hands and read MY words on the glossily printed pages.

(if you would like to purchase your own copy of this devotional you can do so HERE! it is also available wherever books are sold, after August 1. I wrote the months of March, July and November)  

When that project was complete, I asked to contribute to yet another devotional which will be released in October. I'll share that link with you all when it comes out!

Needless to say, expedition was happening.

Then in June, Bryan was offered a business opportunity that we couldn't refuse. When he got off the phone with his potential partner and explained the conversation to me, we looked at each other and knew, this was clearly God's hand in our lives.

Throughout all of these fulfilled promises, another more subtle thing was happening. Both Bryan and I felt something we hadn't felt so strongly in five long years: permission to dream again.

I don't want to paint a picture that's partially unseen. As you all know, it hasn't been completely smooth sailing this year.  I rang in the New Year on January 1st in a hospital room. My baby girl was suffering with pneumonia in both lungs. The same baby girl I'd seen lying in the NICU only months earlier. Those same lungs that needed so much help in her first days of life again needed life-giving treatments. A few short months later, we went through testing for our daughter for Cystic Fibrosis and were sent home without answers--answers we still don't have. We sold our house when Bryan accepted this new business opportunity only to have the buyer back out 2 weeks prior to closing, leaving us with a lease on a town-home and a mortgage on a farmhouse. We've been stretched beyond what I thought we could ever endure. We had both vehicles break down within a week of each other. We've changed somewhere around 6 flat tires. Money has been extremely tight.

But what I want you to see from all of this--from everything I'm saying--is that God is faithful. 

Whether the sun is shining or the rain is pouring, whether your song comes easily or your tears pour freely, he continues to be faithful. 

July has been a month of ups and downs. I woke up one morning last week and I felt desperate. Desperate enough to know I wanted to do something about it. So I took a risk. I know enough now to know that in order for God to continue to expedite things in my life I have to have a certain level of bravery. I have to step out of my comfortable boat onto uncertain waters. I can spend all my time in the boat wondering whether I'll sink or swim, or I can just take swing my legs over the side and find out.

I started my own business with the incredible company It Works! Global. It Works is a Christian company that's been changing lives since it's conception. It's health and wellness products offer results that are nothing short of remarkable. For the past year and a half I've been following the story of a girl who was an independent distributor for It Works. I watched from the sidelines as she took her small family from a place of complete dependence on government assistance to a place of total freedom where both she and her husband are stay at home parents each making a six figure income. For a year and a half I played the skeptic role well. I saw her success, and of course, like anyone--I wished I had it. But I didn't think it was actually possible for me. But that one morning I was desperate enough to find out if taking a crazy risk would end in a crazy reward.

The possibility of success became more important to me than my fear of failure. 

I made the small investment--which, to be honest, was a big one for me. My team leader--that same girl who I'd been following from afar for so long, has spent the past few days pouring her heart and soul into helping me start this business off successfully. That initial investment came back to me in just two hours. I'm well on my way to helping my family move forward in an EXPEDITED fashion. God is continuing to remain true to his word that he will expedite my dreams and sustain me.

I don't only rejoice in the successes we've had thus far in 2015. I also rejoice for the hardships we've had--and are still having. Because through each and every experience I have learned, I have leaned and I have grown.

In 2013 we lost a baby. It was a wilderness for me. But oh, how I learned to lean on him there. 2014 was a year of humility on my face before the Lord and expectation of the day when he would raise me up again. 2015 has been the year that God has decided to stand me to my feet and to expedite the things in my life that I believed would take years to accomplish.

Nothing that has happened in my life this year, or in years past would have happened without God. He has never left me, he has never once stopped taking an interest in every part of my life. His is the name I whisper in the darkness when I've given up hope. His is the name I shout with a smile when I triumph and I succeed. His is the name in which I go forth in 2015. I am ready for whatever he wants to do in the second half of this crazy, beautiful, unexpected year of expedition.

I talked in my last post about BRAVERY. (which, if you haven't entered that giveaway yet, it's not too late! Head over and enter NOW!) 

Water isn't Concrete.

God has been working with me on trust, waiting and patience. After nearly a year of not knowing what our next step in life would be, one whirlwind weekend determined our path and settled our minds. We accepted a great job opportunity, sold our house and packed our belongings over the course of one week. It was exciting and relieving after a season of dancing through trust and fear with the Lord. But days after we unloaded our belongings in a new rented town home, the sale of our house fell through. It felt like a punch in the gut. Feels like a punch in the gut--if I'm being honest.

But something that was spoken to me about a month ago keeps coming to mind. My friend and I asked an older lady in our church if trusting God and having His peace ever gets easier the longer you've been serving Him. This was her response: "When God calls you out of the boat, to walk on the water with Him--you can't expect to step out on to solid ground. Water will never be concrete."  Her words resonated in my very core. Why do I expect to step out in faith onto concrete? Why am I surprised at the raging waves that at any moment could sweep me under? The circumstances in life are never going to be a sure thing. Our plans are never going to go off without a hitch. After all, we're trying to walk on water. But if we keep our eyes focused on His, we can walk across even the most tempestuous waters, as if they were simply solid ground beneath us.

I'm not sure how, or when our circumstances will smooth out for us. But I know one thing's for sure. I'm walking on water. And the going is rough sometimes. And I'll get nervous and I'll look down and I'll begin to sink--but I have the best lifeline I could possibly have. I have a God that is unchanging, that is faithful, that's got it. It's not going to be easy. It's not going to be comfortable. But it's going to be worth it. And that's reason enough for me to get out of the boat.

Black Dirt.

I'm sitting here with an open window just behind my computer screen. I can see the glassy soldier blue lake in the evening glow of a setting sun. The grass is a lush green from a full day of downpours and puddles. The sky is gray but the sun casts a wealthy hue just over the horizon. The wind blows softly and all is just beginning to clear.

The dirt is black. Up until last week, the upturned earth out a very similar window where I sat was red. Red as bricks.

After almost a year of life in the South, the view out my window has changed. We moved back "home" to Minnesota. Back to the place we met, the place we fell in love, the place we brought home our first born. The one place I've lived longest in a full decade.

Changing your life is never easy. Saying goodbye that many times can't even be explained. Some may think that since we've moved so much, it's something we enjoy doing. It's not.

I'll say this once. We move, not for adventure, not of lack of maturity or responsibility, not of a whim, a restlessness or frustration. We move because we are following God. God is not concerned with my routine, my stability or my "roots". God is concerned with advancing His kingdom and I am a resource of His to be used in His way.

We moved here for my husband to take a youth pastor position at a small church in a small town. When I told God "I will go wherever, however, whenever and whyever" He took me seriously. Why was it easier for me to go Africa than to go to a small farming community in MN? God has his own plans. They are higher than mine. He doesn't need to follow my set of plans or my rules. He only needs a life surrendered to Him. His eyes SEARCH THE EARTH FOR HEARTS SURRENDERED.

There is a peace in obedience. A peace that even when you're criticized and laughed at and misunderstood, the GOD OF THE UNIVERSE is pleased. And everything else fades away in light of that awesome reality.

As I look out my window at the lake, the trees, the grass, the black as night dirt, I might as well be seeing the Promised Land. Because God has called me here and I need to ask no questions. And of course I doubt. I wonder. I hear the scoffing and and I read between the lines of skepticism and I lay at night and I wonder what we're doing here picking up our lives and leaving a career path for this... but then I remember... I was not made for here. What I invest in this life will be burned up and lost forever. What I invest in the next life is what will last and exist forever.

I cannot live for myself. It would be foolish to.

God has so clearly spoken that this is right. To ignore Him would be impossible.

When we get caught up in the glorious emotions that burn within God's heart as David did, we begin to see the tremendous unprecedented blessing and power God has planned for this hour in history. We lose our ability to settle for the same ol', same ol'. We burn like torches with strong vision as our fuel. We become people who contend for the power of God available to our generation. -Mike Bickle, "After Gods Own Heart"

What Aren't You Doing Because of Fear?

God has been speaking to me so much lately. 

He has been reinforcing His truths to me in the most amazing ways. I've been "hit between the eyes" with so much truth this week, that I'm quite honestly just trying to catch a breath in the midst of it all. 

It's crazy what can happen when you just quiet your heart and start listening to Him.

I'll share it all some day soon when it's not quite so jumbled and my mind is not quite so full. So until I can share the whole story, I'll share bits and pieces of it that have struck me deeply.

God has been asking me the question, 

"What aren't you doing right now because of fear?"

 

I shared this quote by Martin Luther King, Jr. on my Facebook today: 

”You might be 38 years old, as I happen to be. And one day, some great opportunity stands before you and calls you to stand up for some great principle, some great issue. And you refuse, because you want to live longer. You’re afraid you will lose your job, be criticized or lose popularity, or you’re afraid that somebody will stab you, shoot at you or bomb your house; so you refuse to take a stand. Well, you may live until you are 90 but you are just as dead at 38 as you would be at 90. And the cessation of breathing in your life is but the belated announcement of an earlier death of the spirit.” -Martin Luther King, Jr.

How many things do we keep quiet about simply because we're afraid? How many steps forward do we NOT take because we are frightened about what may happen if we do? How many stirrings in our own hearts do we neglect simply because we are frightened of how we may be criticized? 

What are you not doing because of fear? 

King David spoke these words, "I will not sacrifice to the Lord my God burnt offerings which cost me nothing." (2 Samuel 24:24) 

So often as Christians we seem to buy into the lie that it's okay to act and talk like a Christian as long as it doesn't cost us anything. We will do many "good" things. But not those things that cost too much. Not the things we'll have to pay too dearly for. Apathy is easier. Apathy is popular. Giving is too expensive.

And I'm not talking about in terms of money. "To obey is better than sacrifice. I don't need your money. I want your life." God doesn't need us to throw money at Him. He owns it all, remember? He died on the cross and paid the price for our LIVES. Not for our money. Not for our talents. Not for our eloquence. For our LIVES. For our very breath. Every part of us. Not just some parts. Not just the easy parts. Not just the parts that others see. He wants the secret, hidden, deep parts of us. He bought us. He paid DEARLY for us. With HIS life. He hung on the cross to pay the price that was on our heads. He satisfied the wrath of God FOR US. Because He loves us. Because He desires our lives.

"When I saw you I was ashamed. 

You were pure and I was stained. 

But you ran to me, and You called my name. 

There were tears of joy upon YOUR face." 

(Phil Wickham, "Home")

Frank Buchman spoke these words in the 1930s, "I stopped trying to run things the way I wanted to many years ago. I started listening to God and letting Him have His way in everything. If men like you did that, you would find the answers instead of spending your lives beaten by the problems you yourselves create."

Why do I keep having to learn this lesson? When will I realize that this truth is never going to be a lie? God's way is always higher. When I feel Him speak softly to my heart, and when I hear Him speak so clearly as I have this past week. How can I think to do anything but listen? How can I even consider it?

So often when "seeking God's will for our lives", we come to God with a proposition and ask for His blessing on it. But how often do we hear out God's propositions and obey them readily? How often do I listen for His voice and what He is asking me to do and then act on that? Too often I tell God what I want and then I ask Him off hand, "Is that alright?" Shame on me.

I am so guilty of fighting God. I am guilty of saying no. I am guilty of saying, "Anywhere but there." or, "I'll follow you here IF you do [a, b, c] first"

Bryan took me out on a date the other night. He drove me an hour away to my favorite restaurant (part of a chain and I worked at the one in MN for 2 years when we were first married) On our way there we were talking about something that we feel God is asking us to do. We started talking about finances and how it would be a sacrifice in that area. Bryan said, "I know God always provides, you know?" but we were both still skeptical about how He could provide in this situation. We pulled into the parking lot of the restaurant still having this same conversation about whether or not we would be provided for if we obeyed what we felt God was telling us to do. We sat down to dinner, and halfway through the meal were tapped on the shoulder by a sweet elderly gentleman and his wife. They commented on our sweet Hunter and how cute he was. They told us we were blessed to have him and we told him we were blessed with two more wonderful children as well. They were shocked and the man squeezed our shoulders. Moments later after they'd left, our waiter came to our table to tell us that elderly man had paid for our dinner. The first thing I heard was a voice saying, "See? I always provide." Why, oh why do I doubt? Why do I question and fear? Is He ever anything less than faithful?

In the Bible, whenever God announced what He was about to do in someone's life He often began it with the words, "DO NOT FEAR." He knew we would fear. He knew we would worry and list the cons and freak out about the details. And He said "DON'T".

When will we truly learn how to trust? How to let go?

"You have never been more near and the view has never been more clear. Here we are now in this moment. You are my hope when I'm broken. I am at the end of myself. This is the start of a new life, breathing this air for the first time I am made new." -Abandon, "Here We Are Now"

Giving up the Glory

I work hard in my home. Morning til night there is work to be done. From the time I swing my feet onto the floor in the morning (often times after being wakened by a child's cries) until the time I collapse into bed at night I am working hard.

The other evening, as I slipped away for a precious few moments in my prayer closet, I was feeling particularly weary. It had been a busy day full of spills and messes, accidents and tantrums. I turned the lights low in my office and turned on a Jesus Culture song.





As the words of this song played, I began to weep. Specifically the line "...help me to never seek a crown, for my reward is giving glory to You."

As a mom, I do so many unnoticed deeds throughout the day. From scrubbing the toilet to emptying the dishwasher... from changing a dirty diaper to wiping a snotty nose. I do so many things that no one notices (unless they're not done). It is so easy for me to harbor resentment about not getting praised for the things I do. It can be frustrating to spend your entire day serving 2 little people who don't even know how to say thank you--or that perhaps they should say thank you--for the things being done for them.

But as I poured my heart out to God and let the lyrics to this song wash over my soul, I realized that it doesn't matter if I get recognized. I don't need a "crown" for the things I've done. My reward is bringing glory to my King.

Even as I pray, I always know that interruption is inevitable. I can't tell you how many times I've been sitting in the presence of God, with revelation pouring down on me, tears on my face and a song in heart... and I'll hear "Mommy! I poo'ed!" or "Mommy, sister is crying!" and I'm jolted out of prayer and back into reality... which for me is wiping bottoms and soothing infants. But I have to know, that even in those "unspiritual" things and those totally non poetic moments... I am bringing glory to the King. I can receive revelation of servant-hood as I take care of my children that will perhaps be more profound than what I would have learned locked in my office with my Bible before me.

God is abundantly able to meet us where we are. I went from having hours to spend in the presence of God, to minutes at a time. But you know what? I haven't stopped growing. God is still showing me Himself... just in different (and definitely more creative!) ways.


As Thanksgiving is upon us, lets be thankful for the ways in which God meets us. Lets be thankful that the glory is not ours for the taking.... but His. Lets be thankful that we don't have to rely on earthly "crowns" or praise to be our rewards... our reward is His glory. And we know He WILL have His glory. I hope this song strengthens and encourages you tonight as it did me.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Rest, Restore, Recharge, Repair.

My heart is hungry for peace. Not peace as in, lack of panic or fear... peace as in quiet.

Here I sit, with both children asleep in their beds and I'm breathing the silence in deeply. I'm asking it to restore me and recharge me. In minutes I'll get up to start dinner. Clean the mess left behind by the two whirlwinds who are my children and change the laundry from the washer to the dryer. But for this moment, I am resting. I am letting out a deep sigh and embracing the autumn chill in the air and the bright scene of rainbow leaves outside my window.

In this season, when God has been saying so much to me about waiting, I am realizing that part of waiting is also being still. "Be still, and know that I am God." To wait on God also means trusting that in our "not doing anything" He is.

As a mother there are constantly a million thoughts racing through my mind. Is the laundry ready to come out? Did I leave the stove top on after making the kids lunch? Did I just hear the baby wake from her nap? Did I remember to give the kids their vitamins this morning? Was my appointment today or is it next week? Did I remind my husband to pick up milk on the way home? As mothers, it's natural for us to "control" our homes. We are the captains of these ships, and we feel responsible for running them tightly. But yesterday at MOPS an older mama stood up and urged us to take "M-ahhhhh-mmy" moments. To sit and rest for a few minutes to recharge, regroup and repair. In the moments of stillness, we gain strength. It is that way with mothering, and it's that way with life.

God asks us to sit and rest because He designed us to NEED REST. We need to wait. There is a reason God set the example by resting on the seventh day after creating the world. Even the Creator took a rest. "put His feet up" so to speak.

One key to always remember however, is that not all "rest" recharges. Be intentional with your rest. Have you ever gotten up from the couch and still felt weary--sometimes even wearier than when you sat down? Don't confuse resting your body with resting your soul. True, life giving rest comes only from the presence of the Father.

Join me today in resting your soul. In sitting before God--waiting on Him and receiving His rest and recharge.

Waiting.

God has been speaking to me lately. In consistent, constant conversation.

This past week, His word for me has been WAIT.

My morning devotional one day was about waiting. A few of my favorite bloggers posted about waiting. I got in the car, turned on the radio and the preacher on the radio was talking about waiting. Then a friend of mine randomly told me a testimony from her life about waiting...  Do you think God was trying to tell me something?! I can't totally share yet just what God was telling me to wait about... but lets just say I knew what He was talking about. And I'm so glad He goes out of His way to get His point across.

"Waiting strengthens our patience and lengthens our perspective."

-Chuck Swindoll

Waiting is possibly one of the hardest principles in the Bible for me to follow. And I think I know why... It means relinquishing control. It means accepting that you won't be able to totally see the road in front of you,  but moving forward anyway. That's scary for a dreamer like me. I like to rush ahead and see everything I can as quickly as possible. In my mind, there will be time to stop and smell those roses later, but first, I want to know what's around that next bend.

God is teaching me to sit. To stop. To pause. To rest. To WAIT. And I am learning to trust His silence. To understand His peace. To be refreshed in His stationery presence. 

Where We Fell in Love

"Don't forget this place.

[He whispers softly.]

"This is where we fell in love."

I can still remember the little moments of falling in love with Bryan. With each glance, each smile, each tenderly spoken word my heart became one with his. Each summer breeze across sun kissed skin, each nervous laugh, each ginger touch. They all gently awakened my love for this man who arrested my heart.

I don't believe that any lover can forget how they fell in love... or the special place where it happened.

It just so happens that the same place where I truly fell in love with my now husband, is also the same place I fell irrevocably in love with my Creator God.

Bethany College of Missions, 2006. I arrived on the small campus with 2 bags and a heart full of dreams. I wanted nothing more than to change the world--and this was the place where I'd learn to do it. Little did I know in my naivety that the world would indeed change there. My world, that is.

Of course, I knew God when I got there. He was the reason I'd come after all. But I wasn't prepared for the Him I'd discover through being there. 

I saw a fire in the eyes of my fellow students. An unquenchable desire for things unseen. A thirst for eternity, for the honest presence of the Almighty. A need to fulfill a purpose in life more excellent than anything now known. That fire was in me as well. And I'd do anything to set my entire soul ablaze with it.

Bethany wasn't what I'd expected it to be. But it was exactly what I needed. Our professors weren't simply spouting out a rote curriculum... no, they were passionately relaying tales of things they'd seen on the front lines. There weren't initials at the ends of their names. No Dr. preceded their titles. But they were more than qualified to speak about changing the world for Christ--because that's exactly what they'd spent their lives doing. As I sat, rigid in their classrooms, I heard the most remarkable stories. I heard first hand accounts of miracles--things we only dream of being possible. I heard of sick being healed, dead being raised again, and freedom being found. Through the blood of the Lamb and the word of their testimony, my heart was awakened. Heavily it beat with the passionate rhythm of desire. I longed for those stories to become my own.

Searching the Scriptures and studying the life breathed Word of God became my homework assignment. I spent my nights with a can of Mountain Dew in one hand and a Greek Lexicon in the other. I wanted TRUTH. I needed it. I needed to know what God meant when He spoke about His return. I needed to know what it meant to be baptized with fire. I longed to discover the mind and heart of God. And I was surrounded by a class full of others who wanted it just as badly. And iron sharpened iron.

One day I was sitting in chapel when our director began to speak about the Baptism of the Holy Spirit. What it was, I had no idea. I'd never heard the term before. In my 17 years of church going, I'd never heard of it. I was wary, skeptical and closed off. I didn't want a weird encounter. But I did want truth. And if this was truly something God had planned for me, than you better believe I wanted every part of it. I knelt in the corner and I told God that if this wasn't of Him, I didn't want it. But if it was, then I was ready. As I walked up to the front, a stranger who is now my friend laid her hands on me. She prayed in a language I'd never heard. Then her words came, clear as day, in plain English. "Open your mouth and He will fill it." Words bubbled forth from me like a fountain. Words my ears did not recognize, but words that made my heart tremble. I didn't know what they meant, but I knew they were holy. I knelt to the ground and I worshiped my God for what seemed like hours. I repeated the phrase over and over and over again and I felt my spirit being built up. I trembled and I fell in love. For the first time in my life I felt I had a glimpse of what it will be like to sing with the angels forever and never grow weary. I was a Bride. Waiting on my Bridegroom, wanting only to bring pleasure to Him.

When I stood up from that place, I was changed. I'm not one to be ethereal, mysterious or transitory. But what I found that day caught me off guard. I met a God I thought didn't exist. I spoke words I didn't understand. I fell headfirst into the things that I had scoffed at and I found them beautiful. I was a changed woman and I didn't have much for an explanation.

Days after that moment, you would find me often there again. Back in that spot. Back with my eyes shut tight and my heart wide open. Back to the place we fell in love. Music would play, my soul would dance and my mind would bask in revelation. It didn't matter the tune, the lyric... I would lay there for hours knowing that my Lover and I were one.

I realize this post is a different one for me. I don't often speak poetically and I don't always reveal this much of my heart. But sometimes remembering how you fell in love is what you need... to remind yourself that you ARE.

What To Do With Fear

"Be strong and courageous....with us is the LORD our God to help us and to fight our battles." 

-2 Chronicles 32:7b

I've struggled with fear for quite a few years now. It's funny, because when I was a teenager, fear wasn't really something that I identified myself with. In fact, I really enjoyed taking risks. My best friend and I had a notebook full of all the crazy things we wanted to do before we graduated. Things like take a late night walk across the highest train bridge in our area. Drive her car as fast as it could go... In fact, maybe it was my car accident that first made me realize I wasn't invincible... and allowed fear to grab hold. I remember being surprised by my own fear when Bryan and I were first married. We went cliff jumping up in Lake Superior. I had never hesitated to jump off cliffs even higher than the one we were on, but for some reason I found myself gripped with fear. I jumped anyway... but I just didn't enjoy it the way that I used to.

Sometime in college, I remember my fear sort of settling on one specific thing... death. Suddenly I couldn't go to sleep at night without fears of dying myself, or of the ones I loved dying. It became such a strong oppressive force over me. No matter how much I reminded myself that as a Christian, I know death has NO victory. NO sting... I still couldn't shake that frightened feeling.

I would pray over it, usually receive some relief and fall asleep. But each night the fear would return. I went on like this for many years. One night in South Africa, we heard a loud crash and then our security alarm system went off. It was about 2 in the morning when our alarm siren started. We jolted up in bed and checked the control panel. It was showing movement in our downstairs passage. Fear gripped me as Bryan told me to grab Peyton and duck behind the bed. We waited as the movement lights continued to flash and the siren continued to sound. We waited for the local guards to arrive. I remember crouching there, realizing that at any second someone could come through that door and could take our lives. I remember praying and crying out to God with my baby in my arms, unsure of whether or not these would be my last moments. I've never felt so paralyzed. Bryan barricaded the door and grabbed a lamp. We'd been told so many stories of crime happening in our area, so we knew our fears were far from unfounded. Finally after what seemed like forever, the guards showed up. It turned out that our TV had fallen off the table and caused the alarm system to sound. We were flooded with relief... but as I went to sleep that night, I couldn't help but think that it could've been so much more than just a fluke.

After I had Britany I remember my fear once again taking hold. I lay in bed each night for weeks, paralyzed by my fears.

One morning, on the way to church I told Bryan that I needed freedom from this fear. I felt that if I didn't get freedom soon, the fear would crush me. I had prayed and prayed, but somehow fear still seemed to always creep back in. That same morning at church I asked God for freedom during the worship service. The sermon was good, but I couldn't remain focused. After the message, we stood for the final worship song. My pastor took the mic, and prayed a closing prayer. After he said "amen", he paused as if thinking deeply. Suddenly he looked back out into the congregation and asked the ministry team to come up to be available for prayer. Then he spoke into the mic: 

"Someone here struggles with fear." 

I froze. He seemed to be looking at me. (I'd like to add that I've never met my pastor before. We've only been going to this church a few months, and I've never actually had a conversation with him) 

Again he spoke: 

"...specifically the fear of death. You can't even sleep at night you are so gripped with this fear. You lay awake at night paralyzed. But God doesn't want you to be fearful anymore. God wants to give you freedom." 

Without saying a word, Bryan took Britany from my arms. Tears streamed down my face as I was overwhelmed with the mercy of God and His great love for me. I practically ran to the front of the sanctuary. I reached out to a woman on the ministry team and could barely speak. I was able to say, "That's me. He's talking about me" but really nothing more. The sweet woman called over another woman and the two of them prayed over me. I was so shaken, in a good way. "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil." 

Now, when I am faced with fear, I am reminded of the great love and mercy of a God who reached out to me. He doesn't want me to fear. He spoke to my pastor that morning because He wanted me to know that He cares. He doesn't want me to live my life in fear--rather He desires that I might be free.

"Sometimes faith is the absence of fear. Other times faith may be choosing to believe God even when your heart is melting with fear. Perhaps, then, faith is tested by what we do with fear--not by whether or not we have it." (Beth Moore, Breaking Free Study)

Easter is about Grace.

How was your Easter? Mine was delicious. Literally. Delicious. 

Ham, sweet potatoes, brussel sprouts, bread rolls, sweet carrots... it was heavenly. 

Jelly beans, Cadbury Creme Eggs, milk chocolate and marshmallows. It was DELICIOUS.

Peyton was thrilled about her first Easter egg hunt! Even though she only got to eat about 3 of the eggs out of her basket yesterday, she was still one toddler that was loving Easter :) She also got a couple adorable toys out of the deal and a whole lot of love from her parents, grandparents and uncle. 

These 2 beautiful faces are the best Easter presents any Momma could want!

But yesterday morning... before the ham and the candy... before the bunnies and the pastels... before the laughing and the memory-making... came a morning of RESURRECTION. 

We went to church Easter morning ready to celebrate the truest meaning of Easter. The LIFE given to us by the DEATH DEFEATING POWER of RESURRECTION. And what that truth represents is GRACE. Beautiful, unprecedented, undeserved GRACE.

My pastor preached a simple, short, but GUT WRENCHING message on Grace. We are so blessed to be in such a wonderful church where God's love is delivered UNDISGUISED.

My pastor showed this video about Grace. At first, I sat in my seat laughing along with it... and then a moment came. A moment that left the room full of people silent. Teary eyed. Solemn. All because of the remarkable revelation of God's grace that came in that same moment. 

Take 4 minutes out of your Easter Monday to watch this video. Let yourself revel in the beauty of GRACE today. Let yourself bask in the glory of RESURRECTED life... HOPE, LOVE and a SECOND CHANCE.

The Lord Directs.

The Bible says that "The mind of man plans his way, but the LORD directs his steps." -Proverbs 16:9

Interestingly enough, the times in my life that that verse has seemed the truest have always been in retrospect. Funny how a little perspective can change everything.

When I was growing up, we moved a lot. My dad is an engineer--a brilliant, talented, impressive engineer. (I remember this fact being driven home during my teen years when one of my best guy friends in high school wanted to write a paper on my dad... after his "interview" with my dad he bragged to all our friends about the projects my dad had worked on and the great things my dad had done as an engineer) Well, needless to say, my dad faced a lot of lay offs in his line of work. Engineers commonly work on contracts-- couple that with a plummeting economy and you do the math. Well, all that to say, we did move quite a bit. I remember each time we had to move it felt like my entire world was crashing in around me. But now, as I look back, each and every move has been so influential on who I am as a person today. And the steps that those moves led me on have shaped the outcome of my life. Even though in the moment, none of them made sense--they were all pieces of a puzzle. All chapters in my story. And I couldn't have done without even one of them.

Never disdain a chapter in your life. You never know why that step had to be taken. You never can tell what the purpose of that moment in time truly is until you look back. Have you ever been swimming in the ocean--drifting along with current-- and suddenly you look back to your towel on the beach and are shocked with how far you are from it? It's like you didn't know how far you were going until you got there. That how life is. We don't always know where we're going or where we'll end up until we're there. And suddenly upon arriving we realize the significance of each wave, each chapter, each footstep, each decision, each moment.

Trust God. Trust His leading in each moment. You might not know what's happening right now, but you'll know. One day, you'll know.

Seasons

The changing of seasons always leads me to start thinking about the season of life I'm in right now. With the first snow flakes falling yesterday, I glanced out the window and began thinking about the changing of seasons in my own life. Of course, the obvious season I'm in right now, is a season of motherhood... and it's a season that will probably last for a few (or many!) years to come. But there's another season that I'm in as well.

It's been less than 2 months since we left the mission field, and I find that my heart is still not sure where to rest in regards to everything that happened. Bryan and I were talking yesterday, and we both realized that we still feel confused about how and why everything happened the way it did. There are still those moments when we feel condemned, lost, confused and unsure. Typically those moments are spurred by someone seeing us in church and saying something like, "Oh wow, I thought you were living in South Africa, what are you doing back?" And then of course, the awkward launching of the explanation... the uncertainty of whether or not they'll understand... and the secret feelings of judgment that you know you shouldn't presume.

This morning I told my mom a little of how I was feeling. She reminded me that God hasn't stopped using me simply because I'm no longer in Africa. She reminded me that there are daily opportunities to shine God's light. There are moments in each day that present themselves with the open door to share a truth that we've been given. There is a mission field in my own home....There is a little girl who climbs up on my lap about four dozen times a day, asking me to read her the same story yet again. There is a man who comes home tired and hungry from work each day, needing a good meal in his belly and clean sheets to lay down in. There is a child in my womb who relies on me for nourishment, breath and a secure place to grow and develop.

I do have purpose. Just sometimes I lose it in the midst of wishing for something more... something "greater". I continually assume that there must be something bigger I should be chasing after... when in reality what I've been given is what I am to be faithful with. And the caring and nurturing of human lives is certainly no small task. My life will change again. And again, and again. That's just the way it goes with the changing of the seasons. But I have a God who is constant, and who will lead me faithfully through each one.

Take a Moment

Things have been so crazy since we arrived in the U.S. and life lately is a whirlwind of unpacking, Walmart runs, organizing, and re-organizing!

In the midst of all the busyness, my favorite time of the day is when I put Peyton to sleep. I wrap her up nice and tight, read her a storybook and rock her in my arms until her steady breathing tells me she's asleep. Each night we dance, listening to the iPod until she's asleep. She loves to listen to music and it helps us both unwind before the end of the day. Lately my favorite song on her playlist has been "What do I know of Holy" by Addison Road. The first time the song came on, I found myself just weeping uncontrollably. It still gets at least a few good tears out of me every time! There is something so beautiful about this song and the revelation in its lyrics. Such a wonderful reminder that God is still God, no matter what is going on around us.

Please take the time to clear your thoughts, play this song and dwell on the reality of who God is. Be blessed by it... as it blesses me each night.

Mommy Christianity

I just posted this quote on my facebook:

"We don't have to be perfect... We are asked only to be real, trusting in His perfection to cover our imperfections, knowing that one day we will finally be all that Christ saved us for and wants us to be." -Gigi Graham Tchvidijan

I have to admit, I don't feel very perfect lately. There are so many things I wish I could do differently, or seasons in my life I wish I could re-live with the clarity of hindsight. There are answers I wish I had to questions that I have, and there are so often those times that I wish I could sit God down with a cup of coffee and have Him just tell me straight how it is and what He wants from me. 

It says in Isaiah that no matter which way we go, we will hear a voice saying, "This is the way, walk in it" But it is so often so hard to hear that voice... and hard to distinguish it from the other voices in our lives. Daily I have to rest in the fact, that my God is gracious, that He knows my humanity, and that He compensates for it. I have a mediator between myself and the Almighty God and it is Someone who loved me enough to lay down everything for me. Surely a Man who loves me with that kind of intensity also loves me enough to forgive my imperfection. 

I know it's true. But it doesn't make it any easier to look in the mirror and see my mistakes. Maybe it should, but it doesn't. 

Since I've become a mother, I don't have the kind of time that I used to have sitting at His feet and pouring over His word. I don't have the hours to do a full exegesis on a passage before I study it, and I don't have the luxury of an undisturbed prayer closet. But I always remember something that my friend's husband said to her one day as he was leaving for work. She has 3 (now 4 as of last week!) small children, and her husband works as the director of a large ministry. He told her that he envies her, because she doesn't have to intentionally put things in her path to mold her more to the likeness of Christ, rather she has situations that are part of her everyday life that are constantly making her more Christlike through selflessness and leadership. When she told me that story, I realized that it's true. 

Even though I don't have the time I used to to spend in the Word, I do have a little person that relies on me for everything. I have opportunity each second of each day to show Christ to her in my selflessness. God is molding me, even though I don't feel it, and even though I envy those people who have hours in the presence of God. It is still a process in learning to hear the voice of God in different ways. To learn to incorporate reading His word into my day... whether by reading Peyton a passage of Scripture instead of a storybook at nighttime. Or by saying her goodnight prayers with her with sincerity of heart. Or by taking the time that I spend bathing her to memorize a verse or two. 

I called this post "Mommy Christianity" because it's an adjustment. It's a change from the way I've walked in Christianity in times past. Finding God's will is a different process, because my life is a different process. But it's a process just the same, and let me be the first to tell you....................................... I'm still learning.

Peace that Passes

Hey Everyone!
Still no word on our visas... but to be honest... I feel totally at peace! I have no idea why, other than that JESUS IS AMAZING and HE keeps us grounded no matter what! How awesome is it, that our hearts and minds are GUARDED by a peace that passes understanding? As joint-heirs with Christ we are beyond blessed.
I'm simply enjoying my family and our time together. I'm cherishing the moments of having Peyton as an only child (for the next 7 months!) and I'm basking in the presence of the Lord because that is where I find my peace.
I know that in 12 days, we will have an answer. We will either be on that plane, or we won't. But God is in control and wherever we are, we will be trusting Him for our lives.
For now I'm enjoying the little things. Here are a few of those "little things" for you to enjoy as well ;)

The growing miracle of life inside my womb. (and wow, I'm really showing quicker this time around!) 

Enjoying popsicles on a hot summer day with my darling daughter :P

My handsome, hardworking man who treats me like a princess no matter what. (quick explaination... the only reason there are goats behind him--lol--is because we were at a petting zoo that day!)

Seeing this beautiful smile each morning, and hearing her squeal in delight when I come in her room to wake her up... and especially when she reaches those darling arms up to me... begging me to smother her in a warm embrace!

There are too many blessings in my life for me to count. And the peace that passes understanding has gifted me with a smile on my face even when faced with uncertainties.

Let the Countown Begin!

Yes, it is 4 am in my time zone. As you know, I had the stomach flu Saturday and Sunday... and because I took so many naps throughout the day yesterday, it's proving impossible for me to sleep tonight. Also, Bryan came down with the flu last night so it's been a restless night for everyone in our home. We're praying very hard that Peyton remains protected from the worst of this virus. She refused her dinner last night, but was able to nurse before bed. She has slept through the night so hopefully that's a good sign. I'm so anxious for this sickness to be on its way out the door!

Can you believe that in SIX weeks, we'll be moving to South Africa? It's so crazy. I don't even know how to begin to process it, honestly. It's so hard to wrap my head around the fact that everything we know as familiar is about to change. I know there's a lot of things I'm going to miss about America. This is my country... the world I grew up in. History was always my favorite subject in school because I loved studying the stories of how our country was born... and the things that made us great. And of course, I'm going to miss the people here the most. But it's not like we'll never be back to visit :) It's funny, because if I had my choice, I'd live close to my parents and share life with them. But God asked me to do something different, and I have to trust Him. I have to keep an eternal perspective. I'm not here to live for myself. I'm here to be a servant of God and to do what He asks of me, no matter the cost. It's not an easy life, but He never said it would be, right?

"Ships in the harbor are safe; but that's not what ships are for." 

Please keep us in your prayers in these final weeks. There are SO many emotions to sort through! Not to mention a million loose ends to tie up.

Writing on the Wall

This is so unlike me to post so close together...haha.... but I just HAVE to share what God is laying on my heart.

I was laying in bed (it's 2:26 AM where I am) and God just wouldn't let me get to sleep. I kept hearing His voice beckoning me to get up and just be in His presence. I came out to my dining room table... selected a couple worship tunes on my iPod and settled in for some time with Him. I began to be convicted about some very specific things. I want to share them with you because there is power in confessing our sins one to another (Amen?!) and because I think it can be encouraging to some of you.

Bryan is gone from 8 AM until typically 11 PM everyday. with a short window of an hour or so around 5 PM for dinner. (He's been working 2 jobs as we prepare to head to South Africa in just a couple months) As a result, I spend hours and hours on end alone in the apartment with Peyton. I hate being alone... I just hate it. A great solution for me has been to have the TV on. Even if I'm not sitting there watching, to have it on while I do other things around the house helps me not feel so alone. But I got convicted tonight as I thought about the fact that I believe I have let my guard down with the types of things I allow to play on the TV. Nothing horrible... but things that I know are not God-honoring. I've allowed myself to get sucked into reality shows where there is really nothing Godly about it. I've listened to gossip, malice, slander and listened to comments about adultery, divorce and other things that God clearly hates.


God spoke to me tonight and convicted me SO strongly. What type of messages am I allowing my 9 month old daughter to soak up on a daily basis?! Even if she's not watching the TV, or even if she's not in the same room... those are messages that I am allowing into my house. I'm not writing this judgmentally, because I know that we all have different convictions on this type of subject. I'm just letting you all know what God is rebuking me about. I realized today that I want to control the messages that are being shoveled into my daughter's brain hour by hour. I want purity in this household. I began by writing a huge sign in sharpie that states the verse: "I will live with integrity of heart in my house. I will not set anything godless before my eyes. I hate the doing of transgression; it will not cling to me. A devious heart will be far from me; I will not be involved with evil." and then I pasted it to the TV. I want that reminder to blare at me every time I click the "on" button on my TV. I don't want to tolerate things that directly oppose my God. I CANNOT SERVE TWO MASTERS. I MUST CHOOSE DAILY WHO I WILL SERVE! (that sign is hung above my coffeemaker... where I'll be sure to see it as I start my day each morning! ;)

I know this sounds pious. It does even to me, who is writing it. But in all reality, this is NOT going to be easy. I'm going to have to give up watching some shows that frankly, I LOVE! I'm going to have to say no to things that I don't want to say no to. But in reality, it's more than worth it.

What matters more? A moments entertainment? Even a few hours of entertainment? Or an eternity of reward or lack thereof??? I think the answer is obvious. Does that make it easy? Nope. But it does help.

I also pasted verses on my wall about fear, about enduring to the end, about meditating on God's word, about setting an example, and on my fridge are verses about the Proverbs 31 wife and a list of the values talked about in Titus 2 for wives.

I want the messages in my home to be messages of godliness. I want my daughter see and hear words of life and of godliness... not words of slander, gossip, and death. Tomorrow I want to pray over her and ask her personally for forgiveness that I have not guarded her heart more intentionally.

I want to ask you, as my blog readers... to keep me in your prayers. I really am trying to move forward and take some huge steps not only in my relationship with the Lord, but also in my position as mother and co-guardian of this household. Will you pray for strength for me?

A Thankful Heart

My days have been full.

We are preparing to move from our house here in AZ to an apartment. It's a complicated story, so we'll leave it at that. We were supposed to move today, but as it turns out we'll be leaving Friday instead. I'm excited to get moved so I can work on getting "settled" again (not that I truly know what that word means anymore!) But I'm excited to unpack... put things in their *temporary* place.

We hope to be in South Africa by June 1st. Lord willing. It's SO SOON! I can't even believe that 3 months from now we could really be there! Now all the planning must commence! There are visas... Peyton's passport... a home to secure, etc. It's an exciting, but busy time.

I have been spending my days the way I always do... as a Momma.

I love my cooking... I love my cleaning... I love my laundry... I love my Lysol. It might sound stupid, but I really do. I adore "wife-hood" and all that comes along with it. I love keeping a home and setting a table. A few years ago I would have laughed out loud at the idea... but I adore it now.

However, I have been slowing down. I have been setting aside the housework for more important things. Or, rather... a more important thing. (singular.) My daughter. I have been taking time out from my busywork and spending time just rolling around the floor with her... building blocks or naming colors. We've been practicing crawling together... eating cheerios... giggling at tummy tickles... I'm taking each moment as it comes... attempting to cherish my days with her. I know that all too soon, she won't be a baby anymore. I already can't believe she's not a tiny bundle swaddled in my arms anymore! Beyond that, I can't believe she's not just a few kicks and flutters in my stomach anymore! She's already grown so quickly...

I've been reading a blog about a very special little two year old girl who has cancer. Little Layla Grace. I am praying for her fervently. I weep every time I read what her parents are writing about this journey. Their faith and strength in the Lord is so inspiring, but their transparency is so gripping. They make me want to cherish the little moments with Peyton so much more than I do.

I have been humbled and convicted by their story. How often do I take forgranted the true gift of good health? Peyton is 9 months old and has never even had a sniffle. She has had one fever, and it was very slight and due to teething. She's never been sick. Praise be to Jesus. I am so blown away by His goodness. I am so thankful for His blessings.

What are you thankful for that you often take forgranted? I would encourage you to take a moment and read a little of Layla's story HERE. Lift her up in prayer. Go to battle for her. Our God is a God who HEALS!!!

Music Monday

This week's Music Monday is to post a song about God's love for us. In reflection of Valentine's Day, we're still focusing on LOVE!

So, before I post my song, I want to know how all of your Valentine's were! Mine was lovely :) The day started out by me being awoken by breakfast in bed :) My wonderful husband had prepared blueberry pancakes which he cooked to spell "I Love You"! Hot french vanilla coffee and fresh oranges (we got them at a fruit stand last night!They were fresh picked! so yummy!) It was such a delightful way to start the day :) Then, instead of going to church, we sat in the living room and listened to a podcast of a sermon from our home church in MN. Bryan and I both felt so washed by the word at the end of it, and I have to confess it made us miss Minnesota quite a bit! Then, later that day, Bryan surprised me with a horse and carriage ride!!! It was so much fun! I have loved horses ever since I was a little girl and it was such a treat to ride with my two Valentines, Bryan & Peyton! We had such a great day together! We finished off the night with a great dinner at home and the pleasure of each other's company! Sometimes, it's enough just to be together!

Well, onto Music Monday! There were several songs I could have chosen that focus on the love of God in my life. But one particular kept coming to mind today. God has healed me many times in my life, and I was also spared from a crazy car accident (I won't go into the story here, but if you want to read about it, you can do so here) When I reflect on the accident every once in a while, I continually think of the song "Held" and the way that God held me through that accident, and also through all the hard times in my life.

Enjoy, and I pray that if you are going through a difficult time, that you too would feel the reality of being held in such a gracious God's arms! This song deals with a lot of hard stuff... and the reality that life isn't easy. There are so many difficult things that we go through, and we are going to go through hard things until we reach heaven. But until then, we have a God who holds us through those horrible things.

Yummy Recipe for You!

We are fully in moving mode over here! It's our last week before our big move to Arizona, so we're working on packing bags and saying our goodbyes. I think one of the most difficult aspects of it all is juggling our excitement for this new adventure, with the heartfelt sadness of what this move means... leaving behind those we love. There always seems to be a downside to every upside. Although, I suppose you could look at that a little more positively... and see it as an upside to every downside, right?

Well, I thought I'd make a little time amidst the craziness to share a recipe with you! I'm cooking this great Pork dish tonight, and it seems like an interesting recipe!

Roast Loin of Pork stuffed with Dried Apricots & Plums

Enjoy this recipe! I'll let you know how it turns out ;)

Oh, and by the way, the husband and I went to the dentist today!! No cavities for either of us ;) I had been told in the past by a dentist that I had very soft enamel, which is genetic, and could only hope for MANY cavities throughout my future... but the dentist who we saw today remarked that I have GREAT teeth which seem very strong, and she has no idea why that other dentist told me I had soft teeth!

Because of going on the mission field Bryan and I have been praying that my teeth would improve. It obviously wouldn't be a good thing to have a lot of any sort of health problem overseas. It's so amazing to see that this is just one more way in which God has healed me and is preparing the way for His call on our lives!   

HE MAKES ALL THINGS NEW!