27.11.09
19.11.09
Daddy Daughter Time
As I write this, Bryan is playing with Peyton. I love watching them together... her bright smile as she catches sight of her daddy, his tender eyes as they fall on her beautiful little angelic face. The love they share is truly something to behold.
She is sitting in her princess chair, a lullaby tune playing and her little pink castle lighting up. Truly she must feel like a princess with such a wonderful doting daddy!
There is nothing quite like the love between father and daughter. And to see that love exchanged between my husband and my baby girl, is a feeling unlike any other.
Plus, it's a definite blessing to have a little break each day when he reaches out for her! My empty arms are heavy from a full day of nursing, playing, diaper changing, bathing and peek-a-boo!
16.11.09
My Treasures
I woke up this morning refreshed. Anew. Realizing that no matter how many uncertainties I come across, there are some certain things that don't change.
My Jesus, who is my rock in the midst of the strongest storm. He is both tender and firm.
My husband, who is God's gift to me. My leader, my lover, my best friend, my partner.
My baby girl who has filled my life with more joy than I ever thought possible.
Of course, there are more blessings that I can't even begin to count. But those three top my list. I am who I am because of them. I continue to live because of them. I smile because of them. And I press on because of them.
My Jesus, who is my rock in the midst of the strongest storm. He is both tender and firm.
My husband, who is God's gift to me. My leader, my lover, my best friend, my partner.
My baby girl who has filled my life with more joy than I ever thought possible.
Of course, there are more blessings that I can't even begin to count. But those three top my list. I am who I am because of them. I continue to live because of them. I smile because of them. And I press on because of them.
7.11.09
I can't title this blog post just yet. Mainly because I'm not sure what direction it's headed. All I know is that I'm feeling rather pensive and the best way for me to wade through my thoughts is to attempt to unscramble them through written word. Perhaps that only leaves me more confused then when I set out, but at least I feel halfway accomplished with my jumbled brain.
I'm back in Vermont. Living life in a bit of a muddle. It's strange to be here. Especially without Bryan, living in my parents house. I feel like a little girl again. A high schooler. But then I have this baby with me... it's a crazy adjustment for the brain, you know what I'm saying? Like I feel I've been portaled back in time, but I've brought a souvenir from the future with me... this beautiful baby girl who's my own flesh. I can't come back and jump back into friendships with the ones who used to be my tight circle. Too much has changed. I'm not the same girl who they called their best friend. And it would be foolish for me to assume I've left them static. Of course their lives have continued on without me as mine has without them.
I had Rhiana over last night, however, and was pleased with how easily we picked up where we had left off. However, something still wasn't the same. It can't be, of course. We were talking as though we were outside of our friendship. As though we were commentators of a novel, leafing through the chapters of time and remembering them fondly, but almost feeling as though they had no personal ramifications. Like we'd never lived those words. Does that make sense?
Being back here is like revisiting some strange dream you weren't even fully sure you had. You know those dreams where you wake up and you remember scattered images and even a couple sound bytes but you can't remember a chronological rhythm? Mmm. That's how it is.
Going back. It's unnatural. We were built for forward motion.
I miss Bryan. He'll join me here on the 11th or 12th. Being separate from him is another unnatural thing. When I pledged my life to him and we became one, from then on it became ludicrous to separate myself from him. I'm only a half without him here.
I lay awake at night and attempt to remember the feel of his body beside mine. And we've only been apart for 4 days. What must it be like to lose the one you love forever? I pray I never know the feeling. I beg to never know it.
I guess I've never known real opposition. I've never lost. Not really. In small scales, I have. But never really. Am I strong enough to face that type of obstacle? Those are the struggles that determine what you're made of. I don't think I want to know.
The baby is crying. I'll leave this unfinished. Perhaps its better that way. I'm not making much sense anyhow...
My head is too full to make sense. But I'm not even sure why...
I'm back in Vermont. Living life in a bit of a muddle. It's strange to be here. Especially without Bryan, living in my parents house. I feel like a little girl again. A high schooler. But then I have this baby with me... it's a crazy adjustment for the brain, you know what I'm saying? Like I feel I've been portaled back in time, but I've brought a souvenir from the future with me... this beautiful baby girl who's my own flesh. I can't come back and jump back into friendships with the ones who used to be my tight circle. Too much has changed. I'm not the same girl who they called their best friend. And it would be foolish for me to assume I've left them static. Of course their lives have continued on without me as mine has without them.
I had Rhiana over last night, however, and was pleased with how easily we picked up where we had left off. However, something still wasn't the same. It can't be, of course. We were talking as though we were outside of our friendship. As though we were commentators of a novel, leafing through the chapters of time and remembering them fondly, but almost feeling as though they had no personal ramifications. Like we'd never lived those words. Does that make sense?
Being back here is like revisiting some strange dream you weren't even fully sure you had. You know those dreams where you wake up and you remember scattered images and even a couple sound bytes but you can't remember a chronological rhythm? Mmm. That's how it is.
Going back. It's unnatural. We were built for forward motion.
I miss Bryan. He'll join me here on the 11th or 12th. Being separate from him is another unnatural thing. When I pledged my life to him and we became one, from then on it became ludicrous to separate myself from him. I'm only a half without him here.
I lay awake at night and attempt to remember the feel of his body beside mine. And we've only been apart for 4 days. What must it be like to lose the one you love forever? I pray I never know the feeling. I beg to never know it.
I guess I've never known real opposition. I've never lost. Not really. In small scales, I have. But never really. Am I strong enough to face that type of obstacle? Those are the struggles that determine what you're made of. I don't think I want to know.
The baby is crying. I'll leave this unfinished. Perhaps its better that way. I'm not making much sense anyhow...
My head is too full to make sense. But I'm not even sure why...
1.11.09
The Love Which Compels Us
As you know, I am in a week of goodbyes. Up until tonight, I was perfecting the art of the "see you later" goodbye. You know the one where you feign complete detachment from the situation, and make it appear as though the goodbye is not affecting you whatsoever, although truthfully you are torn apart inside and wishing you could say all that you would like to, but knowing that if you did you may grieve more than you wish to? (how was that for a run-on sentence??)
Well, tonight the happy go lucky facade caved. Bryan and I spent a couple days with our good friends Rich & Amber Lang (and little Ahava). Amber was in our class at BCOM and Rich was a mentor for our class. We were married just 7 months before them, and Amber and I were only 6 weeks apart in our pregnancies (although it turns out our daughters are 11 weeks apart in age). We love this couple and have a lot of fun memories with them. We've gone deep in our friendships and it was very sad to be spending the last bit of time with them. And I guess you could say that during our goodbye tonight all my grief from not only this particular goodbye, but from the ones I've already said and the ones even that I have yet to say... well all that grief came to a head. There was a phrase which instigated it... Amber had said, "It was the love of God which brought us together and now the same love of God is leading us apart." Wow. That hit me so hard. I think that my entire "journey" with Bethany can be summed up in that phrase. The love of God and my passion for the lost is what brought me to Bethany College of Missions over 3 years ago. And now the love of God and my passion for the lost is what is leading me away from that beloved place.
As I took a walk under the full moon tonight, I thought about the many goodbyes I've said and the many places I've lived. And to tell you the truth, Bethany is the most precious of them all. Because it was here that I fell deeply, irrevocably in love with my Savior. And it was here that I found my earthly husband, Bryan Luke. The man of my dreams who leads me even deeper into love with Christ. And it was also here that my most precious blessing, Peyton Spring was born. I praise God for this place.
But I won't look back (or at least I'll try not to). Because I know that God is leading me FORWARD. And I cling to a hope which is a sure thing.
Well, tonight the happy go lucky facade caved. Bryan and I spent a couple days with our good friends Rich & Amber Lang (and little Ahava). Amber was in our class at BCOM and Rich was a mentor for our class. We were married just 7 months before them, and Amber and I were only 6 weeks apart in our pregnancies (although it turns out our daughters are 11 weeks apart in age). We love this couple and have a lot of fun memories with them. We've gone deep in our friendships and it was very sad to be spending the last bit of time with them. And I guess you could say that during our goodbye tonight all my grief from not only this particular goodbye, but from the ones I've already said and the ones even that I have yet to say... well all that grief came to a head. There was a phrase which instigated it... Amber had said, "It was the love of God which brought us together and now the same love of God is leading us apart." Wow. That hit me so hard. I think that my entire "journey" with Bethany can be summed up in that phrase. The love of God and my passion for the lost is what brought me to Bethany College of Missions over 3 years ago. And now the love of God and my passion for the lost is what is leading me away from that beloved place.
As I took a walk under the full moon tonight, I thought about the many goodbyes I've said and the many places I've lived. And to tell you the truth, Bethany is the most precious of them all. Because it was here that I fell deeply, irrevocably in love with my Savior. And it was here that I found my earthly husband, Bryan Luke. The man of my dreams who leads me even deeper into love with Christ. And it was also here that my most precious blessing, Peyton Spring was born. I praise God for this place.
But I won't look back (or at least I'll try not to). Because I know that God is leading me FORWARD. And I cling to a hope which is a sure thing.
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